Summer is over. Where the heck did it go?!
I swear time goes faster the older I get. Another birthday has come and gone (which was the suckiest birthday I have had in a long time coincidentally) and school is now approaching.
Time is going by so fast it is taking my breath away and I want just throw my hands up and yell "WHOA!" in hopes that it will slow down so I can catch my breath. I am not handling the change well. The other day my daughter was sitting down planning her "Sweet 16" birthday which isn't until next spring. Sixteen? Are you serious? Then I look at this time next year and Caleb will be 18. That scares the skittles right out of me. I know I should just enjoy the moments as they come but I can't help but dwell in what hasn't even happened yet.
Sometimes those thoughts are just overwhelming I want to cry. Where have my babies gone? I look at pictures and home videos and my heart physically hurts. I always joked how I couldn't wait for them to be 18 and out of the house. Now I tell them to stay as long as they want. They aren't just my kids; they are my friends.
I then look back and wish I had decided to have more children. Two just doesn't seem enough. Now that they are pushing adulthood (gulp), I can't help but long for another little one. I miss them holding onto just my forefinger as we walked across a parking lot. I miss their doe-eyed looks at the simplest things that amazed them. I miss Cheyenne being itty bitty and watching "The Big Comfy Couch" and when Loonette did the clock on the floor and hurried to tidied up, Cheyenne would get all excited and run around the living room like she was in a hurry to get it cleaned when in fact, she didn't pick a thing up! I miss Caleb sitting on the floor with his action figures and playing for hours with his imagination. I miss them getting excited for Matt to get home and they would rush to him with wide grins and sticky fingers.
I miss them calling me Mommy.
*sigh*
The desire to have another little one is so strong that I think about it all the time. At first I thought it was just a mid-life crisis. It seems silly to want to start over at the age I am at. I feel like someone should shake me and say - "Are you crazy?!" Maybe I am. However, the more the days pass the more that I want one so badly that I feel like crying because it may never come to pass. Then again.....maybe it will.
It is part of life and while I need to enjoy the seasons as they come, I can't help but feel saddened. My little ones are growing up and will soon go to college, get married and have little ones of their own. I will be an awesome grandma, just saying.
Until then, I have to try to not live in the past and not dwell in the future but just enjoy the now. I never knew being a mother would be this hard. I don't see how so many mothers before me have done it. There are days I don't think I am strong enough. However, I know that God will protect them whenever I am no longer there.
Until then......I will just cherish the moments I have and every now and then reminisce about Loonette and Molly, a clown and her dolly...on the Big Comfy Couch.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Self gratification equals momentary happiness.....
As I hear about the Chick-Fil-A incident, I can't help but get fired up a bit. I have heard both sides and have listened with a non-judgmental ear. However, I get frustrated when I see self-proclaimed Christians say that people going to the establishment today is bashing the homosexual community. Do they even read the news?
First off, Chick-Fil-A was asked outright what their views were on homosexuality. Why would anyone bother asking a Christian business this question without realizing what their answer would be? They stated how they believe a marriage is between a man and a woman and how they stand behind biblical values. They followed up with how they will pray for the nation. Sounds pretty legit to me. However, word gets out and the homosexual community has exploded. Therefore, Christians have banded together to support this business. I, for one, would have went there today if I could have. I heard the lines were insanely long, I saw pictures posted on Facebook and heard amazing stories on how fellow believers banded together to support a fellow brother being persecuted for his beliefs. Not once did he say they wouldn't serve the homosexual community and not once did he state anything derogatory. He stated his belief when asked.
It amazes me how one side is saying they can do what they want and say what they want because of the First Amendment and yet they are condemning a man for the exact same thing. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me. *shrug*
I love everyone the best I can. I have a "love the sinner; hate the sin" mentality. I will love you as an individual because you are still a child of the most high God. However, I will not condone behavior that God deems unacceptable. There is a big difference between acceptance and tolerance. I will ACCEPT you for who you are, no matter your difference, no matter your struggles, no matter your sin......however, I will not tolerate your behavior. I will not compromise my beliefs to make you comfortable.
In 2 Timothy 3 it states - "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."
I hear quite often - "as long as they are happy" or "as long as they aren't hurting anyone"....this is a 'lovers of themselves' mentality. We are meant to be happy; God wants us to be happy and prosperous but we also find joy and happiness in Him and His Word. If we live in a mentality of "as long as I am happy" that means anything is acceptable as long as I am happy and not hurting anyone. That is a dangerous water to tread. In my past I lived a life of self pleasing - did what I wanted, was happy, didn't care what anyone thought because I wasn't hurting anyone. I ended up down a path that I never want to trudge again. Self gratification is momentary happiness.
Is homosexuality wrong? I believe so. Am I going to treat someone differently because of it - no. However, I will not compromise my beliefs just so you are more comfortable. I won't compromise my values so that you are happy. I will love you and be your friend but if asked, I will give my thoughts. Jesus loved everyone when he walked this earth. He didn't segregate but he also laid it out in black and white as to what is acceptable and what is not.
So, I support Chick-Fil-A....I am not 'gay bashing' in my decision to support them. I am merely saying they answered the question honestly and with integrity. It isn't fair that their company is being persecuted for their faith.
Then again - it didn't seem fair for a man to be persecuted for HIS faith over 2,000 years ago.
First off, Chick-Fil-A was asked outright what their views were on homosexuality. Why would anyone bother asking a Christian business this question without realizing what their answer would be? They stated how they believe a marriage is between a man and a woman and how they stand behind biblical values. They followed up with how they will pray for the nation. Sounds pretty legit to me. However, word gets out and the homosexual community has exploded. Therefore, Christians have banded together to support this business. I, for one, would have went there today if I could have. I heard the lines were insanely long, I saw pictures posted on Facebook and heard amazing stories on how fellow believers banded together to support a fellow brother being persecuted for his beliefs. Not once did he say they wouldn't serve the homosexual community and not once did he state anything derogatory. He stated his belief when asked.
It amazes me how one side is saying they can do what they want and say what they want because of the First Amendment and yet they are condemning a man for the exact same thing. Seems like a bit of a double standard to me. *shrug*
I love everyone the best I can. I have a "love the sinner; hate the sin" mentality. I will love you as an individual because you are still a child of the most high God. However, I will not condone behavior that God deems unacceptable. There is a big difference between acceptance and tolerance. I will ACCEPT you for who you are, no matter your difference, no matter your struggles, no matter your sin......however, I will not tolerate your behavior. I will not compromise my beliefs to make you comfortable.
In 2 Timothy 3 it states - "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."
I hear quite often - "as long as they are happy" or "as long as they aren't hurting anyone"....this is a 'lovers of themselves' mentality. We are meant to be happy; God wants us to be happy and prosperous but we also find joy and happiness in Him and His Word. If we live in a mentality of "as long as I am happy" that means anything is acceptable as long as I am happy and not hurting anyone. That is a dangerous water to tread. In my past I lived a life of self pleasing - did what I wanted, was happy, didn't care what anyone thought because I wasn't hurting anyone. I ended up down a path that I never want to trudge again. Self gratification is momentary happiness.
Is homosexuality wrong? I believe so. Am I going to treat someone differently because of it - no. However, I will not compromise my beliefs just so you are more comfortable. I won't compromise my values so that you are happy. I will love you and be your friend but if asked, I will give my thoughts. Jesus loved everyone when he walked this earth. He didn't segregate but he also laid it out in black and white as to what is acceptable and what is not.
So, I support Chick-Fil-A....I am not 'gay bashing' in my decision to support them. I am merely saying they answered the question honestly and with integrity. It isn't fair that their company is being persecuted for their faith.
Then again - it didn't seem fair for a man to be persecuted for HIS faith over 2,000 years ago.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Screaming kids give me a headache - and a full heart.
Last week was our church's Vacation Bible School (VBS). This is always a fun, yet stressful, week in the middle of my summer. This year's was no exception.
I begin planning for VBS a year in advance by getting the theme and figuring out what kit I am going to invest in. Then in December, the planning stages begin to take shape. It takes about 8 months of thorough planning to execute VBS week. It is tedious and taxing but well worth the effort.
This year's theme was Pandamania. It was such a fun theme and it deemed worthy to be number one as my favorite stage design. It is amazing what you can do with some cardboard and a little imagination.
Many times I wonder why I do VBS. I am not the children's church director, in fact, I am the youth leader. Why have I decided to take on the task with this year being the 6th year I have planned and directed the event?
The answer is simple. Seeing a child look up at you with anticipation as you explain how much God loves them is the best reward of them all. While I do not feel 'called' to children's ministry, a small part of me would love to jump into it and do it like VBS every Sunday. You have to relate to people (including children) on their level. Larger than life props, crazy lighting, fun songs, costumes and silly dancing helps keep the kids engaged and when they are engaged, they get it.
Every Thursday, we offer a salvation message. This year we did a visual "skit" to help the kids connect that Jesus loves them and wants to be their 'forever friend'. Then we have them sit in their crews and raise their hands if they want Jesus to be their forever friend. I deliver it in a way they understand and they desire. That night we had an attendance of 30 --- 28 raised their hands to accept Jesus. Many will say that a child will just do something if asked. Not true.....they understand and they know. Statistics say that people generally accept Jesus before the age of 12. That is why I do what I do. The enemy was not pleased with me either. VBS week was running rather smoothly until Thursday. Everything that could go wrong did. People weren't well, DVD's that we have to have for the opening were locking up and not working, I didn't seem to connect on stage with the songs or the kids, one child had a melt down due to losing her kitten that day.....and more....the enemy tried to thwart the evening. I was frazzled but had others pray, took a deep breath and said - I will press on despite what comes my way. The evening had a few hiccups but went well. Take that, devil!
We are to give the Gospel freely in a way that relates to the audience. Jesus spoke in parables and made them relatable. If he talked about vineyards, it was because it was relatable to the people he was speaking with. He wouldn't talk about oxen to someone who harvests grapes or he wouldn't speak of the vine if he was talking to a merchant. He knew his audience and he targeted them with things they could associate with. That is how we should present the Gospel. We should consider who we are speaking with. It is our obligation, as Christians, to share the Gospel of Jesus.....not matter the age.
This year we had an average of 40 kids a night. Those little children, ranging in ages 5 - 11 years old (with some exceptions) - brought in enough offering to place an order for next year's curriculum. Several of those children returned to church the following Sunday because they wanted more. God places a hunger in us. Sure, children's church is fun and exciting......but there is a fire that burns in those little kids. They get it.
We shouldn't overlook them. They are the future church. The bible says if we train a child up in the way he should go, he will not depart from it. God is a big deal. Share his love in a way they understand. It is the best gift you can give someone - the knowledge and understanding of Jesus.
Can't wait to do it again next year.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Tragedy brings a repentant heart.....
I don't watch the news nor read much of it. My dad was very routine when it came to the evening news. He always watched it around 6pm and again later in the evening around 11pm. He always liked to keep up with current events. I, however, do not.
But there is a current event that has peaked my interest - the shooting in Aurora, Colorado. As I read more about the massacre that took place and watch news casts from the location, I can't help but play the 'what if' game.
Last night was the premier of The Dark Knight Rises, the new Batman movie. I enjoy a good comic book flick as much as the next nerd but I lost interest in Batman some time ago (give me good ole Michael Keaton). However, some of the students from my youth group were going to the midnight viewing and asked us along. So, we decided to go.
As I watch the events in CO unfold, my heart breaks. I sit and think what if that had happened where we were? Society thinks they are immune to these events. This is a laughable notion. If we were immune, they would NEVER happen. I am sure Aurora didn't anticipate this happening. I am sure when the theater filled with avid Batman fans, they didn't think that that night would change their lives.
According to eyewitnesses and investigators - the young gunman, James Holmes, bought a ticket and entered the theater then exited through an exit and made his way to his car. There, he changed into all black gear (including a bullet proof vest, leg coverings, neck coverings, groin coverings, gloves, helmet and gas mask. About 20 minutes into the movie, the gunman entered through the exit (which he presumably propped open) and threw a tear gas canister into the theater. Movie patrons assumed this was a publicity stunt because it occurred at a moment in the movie during a shooting scene. Then, Holmes shot one round towards the ceiling and it was then that chaos broke out. He lowered his gun and opened fire into the theater. He made his way up the aisle and continued to open fire. As people made their way to the exit, he shot them one by one. As of right now, he injured over 70 people and killed 12. Holmes had 4 guns with over 6000 rounds of ammunition in his possession.
Police have caught the young man and have went to his apartment to discover it was so intricately booby-trapped that they had to send in a camera to view it. They are sending in a high tech robot to go in and try to disarm the traps.
I was sitting and thinking, what if that had happened where we went? If a gunman had opened fire into our theater...how it would effect so many people. Caleb didn't go. He could have lost everything. A large part of our youth group had went.....not only would their families had been effected but our church would have been devastated. This city of Aurora is in a upheaval. Not just the families of the victims are effected but everyone who was there will be forever changed.
I think how we are never guaranteed tomorrow. I know this is part of life but sometimes it takes a tragedy like this to really open my eyes to our immortality. The bible says - 'Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.' (James 4:13-14)
We do not know what will happen tomorrow. We are never guaranteed it. We take so many things for granted. Our lives are so busy and revolve so much around our own wants and desires that we get so wrapped up in living that we never truly live.
This packed theater was full of people averaging in ages 6-31 years old. How many did not know Jesus? Or how many knew of Him but never took the steps to follow Him because they figured there was 'always tomorrow'?
"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring." (Proverbs 27:1). We truly don't know what tomorrow will bring. It is a crazy thought. It is sobering and a little frightening. However, if we have a relationship with Jesus, we have no need to fear what a new day may bring. We can anticipate joy and love and peace no matter the circumstance. We spend too much time complaining and hating that it sucks the life out of us. We need to dig deep and bring forth joy and compassion.
Evaluate your life. If Jesus decided tomorrow was the day that you were to leave this earth, can you say that you are sure your eternity will be spent with Him? I can say that even though I do my best to live as close to Him as I can, I fall short. Thankfully, he says that if we repent and seek Him, we will always find Him. How awesome is that?
So, I pray for the victim's families tonight. I pray for those injured. I pray for those that had to witness and survive the horrendous ordeal. I also pray for James Holmes. This young man is not doomed to hell. This young man is not innocent by any means and should be punished according to his crimes. However, God is a fair and just judge and He loves Holmes no less than He loves me. It wouldn't be fair to cast condemnation on this young man. Even though his sin seems horrific in comparison to mine - sin is sin and none are greater than the other. In the same retrospective - we are all God's children and He loves us all and asks us to pray for one another no matter the issues we are facing. So, yes, I will pray for Holmes as much as I will pray for all involved.
God have mercy on this world. Your grace is sufficient for me but Lord, I ask you to come swiftly.
But there is a current event that has peaked my interest - the shooting in Aurora, Colorado. As I read more about the massacre that took place and watch news casts from the location, I can't help but play the 'what if' game.
Last night was the premier of The Dark Knight Rises, the new Batman movie. I enjoy a good comic book flick as much as the next nerd but I lost interest in Batman some time ago (give me good ole Michael Keaton). However, some of the students from my youth group were going to the midnight viewing and asked us along. So, we decided to go.
As I watch the events in CO unfold, my heart breaks. I sit and think what if that had happened where we were? Society thinks they are immune to these events. This is a laughable notion. If we were immune, they would NEVER happen. I am sure Aurora didn't anticipate this happening. I am sure when the theater filled with avid Batman fans, they didn't think that that night would change their lives.
According to eyewitnesses and investigators - the young gunman, James Holmes, bought a ticket and entered the theater then exited through an exit and made his way to his car. There, he changed into all black gear (including a bullet proof vest, leg coverings, neck coverings, groin coverings, gloves, helmet and gas mask. About 20 minutes into the movie, the gunman entered through the exit (which he presumably propped open) and threw a tear gas canister into the theater. Movie patrons assumed this was a publicity stunt because it occurred at a moment in the movie during a shooting scene. Then, Holmes shot one round towards the ceiling and it was then that chaos broke out. He lowered his gun and opened fire into the theater. He made his way up the aisle and continued to open fire. As people made their way to the exit, he shot them one by one. As of right now, he injured over 70 people and killed 12. Holmes had 4 guns with over 6000 rounds of ammunition in his possession.
Police have caught the young man and have went to his apartment to discover it was so intricately booby-trapped that they had to send in a camera to view it. They are sending in a high tech robot to go in and try to disarm the traps.
I was sitting and thinking, what if that had happened where we went? If a gunman had opened fire into our theater...how it would effect so many people. Caleb didn't go. He could have lost everything. A large part of our youth group had went.....not only would their families had been effected but our church would have been devastated. This city of Aurora is in a upheaval. Not just the families of the victims are effected but everyone who was there will be forever changed.
I think how we are never guaranteed tomorrow. I know this is part of life but sometimes it takes a tragedy like this to really open my eyes to our immortality. The bible says - 'Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.' (James 4:13-14)
We do not know what will happen tomorrow. We are never guaranteed it. We take so many things for granted. Our lives are so busy and revolve so much around our own wants and desires that we get so wrapped up in living that we never truly live.
This packed theater was full of people averaging in ages 6-31 years old. How many did not know Jesus? Or how many knew of Him but never took the steps to follow Him because they figured there was 'always tomorrow'?
"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring." (Proverbs 27:1). We truly don't know what tomorrow will bring. It is a crazy thought. It is sobering and a little frightening. However, if we have a relationship with Jesus, we have no need to fear what a new day may bring. We can anticipate joy and love and peace no matter the circumstance. We spend too much time complaining and hating that it sucks the life out of us. We need to dig deep and bring forth joy and compassion.
Evaluate your life. If Jesus decided tomorrow was the day that you were to leave this earth, can you say that you are sure your eternity will be spent with Him? I can say that even though I do my best to live as close to Him as I can, I fall short. Thankfully, he says that if we repent and seek Him, we will always find Him. How awesome is that?
So, I pray for the victim's families tonight. I pray for those injured. I pray for those that had to witness and survive the horrendous ordeal. I also pray for James Holmes. This young man is not doomed to hell. This young man is not innocent by any means and should be punished according to his crimes. However, God is a fair and just judge and He loves Holmes no less than He loves me. It wouldn't be fair to cast condemnation on this young man. Even though his sin seems horrific in comparison to mine - sin is sin and none are greater than the other. In the same retrospective - we are all God's children and He loves us all and asks us to pray for one another no matter the issues we are facing. So, yes, I will pray for Holmes as much as I will pray for all involved.
God have mercy on this world. Your grace is sufficient for me but Lord, I ask you to come swiftly.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Your heartbeat - the gateway to purpose.
Have you ever had a week-end that you were glad to see gone? This past week-end was like that for me.
Vacation Bible School (VBS) is coming up in one week and this year has been the most stressful for me. People don't realize how much work it takes in preparation to make it successful. They see the finished product but not the process it takes to get it there. I am already processing NEXT year's when this year's hasn't even happened. I have decided to keep a journal next year of the steps it takes to create a week of Godly fun for the community - just to see how many hours I really put in.
Anyway, when I get a VBS kit it comes in a tin can with books, DVDs, CDs, etc. They give you several of these media items and expect you to have this awesome media center and the volunteers to run it. In our case, we have a projector that I run with a remote. Therefore, I have to take all the music, the videos, the pictures.....everything and create a chaptered video that I can easily maneuver and make VBS a memorable time for the children. I spent 40 plus hours using a program to break down all the disks and create 10 dvds. I make one for the opening production and the closing production - therefore 2 per day/5 days. I made these a month or so ago, thinking I was well ahead of the game.
I began to burn the disks and after the 6th one (Day 3), I decided to test them to make sure they were working properly. To my horror, they all weren't working. They all had a spot that skipped or locked up. I was calm at this point and continued to tinker with the program. After 36 hours of non-stop tinkering, I was at my wits end.
Matt was at work and I was texting him in a panic. I had these disks that HAD to be done in a week or else VBS would be ruined (a little dramatic because I could have made due with the simplistic program - but didn't want to), I had to work on a lesson for Sunday's class and I had to work on a dance routine for J-Walkers, our drama group.....this was Saturday afternoon.
I was on the verge of a nervous break-down. I was so frustrated with everything that the tears kept welling up. Finally, I just got up and went to my bedroom to have a good cry. I was overwhelmed with my deadlines.
I have had people offer to help with VBS but, in all honesty, there are things that no one can help with. Some people call me a control freak. This is not true. While I do like to have control over the situations I am involved in at times, when it comes to people helping I don't have an issue with it. However, there are just some things that I know people can't help with and I also look at it like they have jobs, I don't. I have the time; they don't.
So after the crying and feeling like I was going to just pass out from exhaustion, Matt texts me a scripture -- Ephesians 4:1 - "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."
This made me cry again but for entirely different reasons. The words Matt text me were so tender and so loving that they warmed my heart. However, the words are true. We all have a calling. In Jeremiah it says that God knew us before we were even born. Before we were even in the womb. We often overlook that scripture but we should really chew on it. God has known us longer than anyone else. Before we were formed in the womb of our mothers, he knew us. This has significance. It means we were not an accident and we were created with a PURPOSE. He knew us and he created us to be flesh on earth because we have a purpose that is mapped out. Every one of us has a life worth living. Every one of us has a purpose that God has placed in us. When I meet with young people they always say - "I dunno what God's plan is for me." I don't believe that. I think we have a purpose instilled in us, deep inside our guts. In return, I ask - "What gets you fired up? What gets you so angry that you want to change it? What makes your heart quicken when you think about it? THAT is your purpose."
It is up to us to follow that plan God has for us. Everyone has a purpose for being on this earth - EVERYONE - from Charles Manson to Mother Teresa; we all have God's calling. However, we choose to step out and follow it or follow a path less desired. Both paths have consequences - good or bad.
"....live a life worthy of the calling you have received." VBS may not seem like a 'calling' but it is. God gives me the vision, the ideas and the strength. I get 'fired' up thinking of next year's theme. I get excited when everything falls into place. Therefore, I shouldn't panic. I shouldn't be overwhelmed. I shouldn't be in my bedroom crying because I feel like I can't take much more. I have been called to do VBS so I need to straighten my back and live the life worthy of the calling I have received.
So if you have something burning deep inside you to do, do not be afraid to step out on faith and take the actions to do it. In Jeremiah, after God told him that he knew him before he was even formed in the womb.....Jeremiah replied with - "I do not know how to speak; I am too young." Often times God tells us what to do and we doubt it. I can't do THAT, Lord....and we follow it with an excuse ("I am too young"). However, look at God's reply to Jeremiah - “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send
you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” God is saying, I have commanded you to follow the dream I placed inside of you. Do not be afraid, do not make excuses because I am with you.
So whatever it is that you feel is your purpose, your dream, petition it to God and say "Here I am God" and he will make a path for you. He will set the things in motion. He will create the stepping stones and open the doors.
Vacation Bible School (VBS) is coming up in one week and this year has been the most stressful for me. People don't realize how much work it takes in preparation to make it successful. They see the finished product but not the process it takes to get it there. I am already processing NEXT year's when this year's hasn't even happened. I have decided to keep a journal next year of the steps it takes to create a week of Godly fun for the community - just to see how many hours I really put in.
Anyway, when I get a VBS kit it comes in a tin can with books, DVDs, CDs, etc. They give you several of these media items and expect you to have this awesome media center and the volunteers to run it. In our case, we have a projector that I run with a remote. Therefore, I have to take all the music, the videos, the pictures.....everything and create a chaptered video that I can easily maneuver and make VBS a memorable time for the children. I spent 40 plus hours using a program to break down all the disks and create 10 dvds. I make one for the opening production and the closing production - therefore 2 per day/5 days. I made these a month or so ago, thinking I was well ahead of the game.
I began to burn the disks and after the 6th one (Day 3), I decided to test them to make sure they were working properly. To my horror, they all weren't working. They all had a spot that skipped or locked up. I was calm at this point and continued to tinker with the program. After 36 hours of non-stop tinkering, I was at my wits end.
Matt was at work and I was texting him in a panic. I had these disks that HAD to be done in a week or else VBS would be ruined (a little dramatic because I could have made due with the simplistic program - but didn't want to), I had to work on a lesson for Sunday's class and I had to work on a dance routine for J-Walkers, our drama group.....this was Saturday afternoon.
I was on the verge of a nervous break-down. I was so frustrated with everything that the tears kept welling up. Finally, I just got up and went to my bedroom to have a good cry. I was overwhelmed with my deadlines.
I have had people offer to help with VBS but, in all honesty, there are things that no one can help with. Some people call me a control freak. This is not true. While I do like to have control over the situations I am involved in at times, when it comes to people helping I don't have an issue with it. However, there are just some things that I know people can't help with and I also look at it like they have jobs, I don't. I have the time; they don't.
So after the crying and feeling like I was going to just pass out from exhaustion, Matt texts me a scripture -- Ephesians 4:1 - "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."
This made me cry again but for entirely different reasons. The words Matt text me were so tender and so loving that they warmed my heart. However, the words are true. We all have a calling. In Jeremiah it says that God knew us before we were even born. Before we were even in the womb. We often overlook that scripture but we should really chew on it. God has known us longer than anyone else. Before we were formed in the womb of our mothers, he knew us. This has significance. It means we were not an accident and we were created with a PURPOSE. He knew us and he created us to be flesh on earth because we have a purpose that is mapped out. Every one of us has a life worth living. Every one of us has a purpose that God has placed in us. When I meet with young people they always say - "I dunno what God's plan is for me." I don't believe that. I think we have a purpose instilled in us, deep inside our guts. In return, I ask - "What gets you fired up? What gets you so angry that you want to change it? What makes your heart quicken when you think about it? THAT is your purpose."
It is up to us to follow that plan God has for us. Everyone has a purpose for being on this earth - EVERYONE - from Charles Manson to Mother Teresa; we all have God's calling. However, we choose to step out and follow it or follow a path less desired. Both paths have consequences - good or bad.
"....live a life worthy of the calling you have received." VBS may not seem like a 'calling' but it is. God gives me the vision, the ideas and the strength. I get 'fired' up thinking of next year's theme. I get excited when everything falls into place. Therefore, I shouldn't panic. I shouldn't be overwhelmed. I shouldn't be in my bedroom crying because I feel like I can't take much more. I have been called to do VBS so I need to straighten my back and live the life worthy of the calling I have received.
So if you have something burning deep inside you to do, do not be afraid to step out on faith and take the actions to do it. In Jeremiah, after God told him that he knew him before he was even formed in the womb.....Jeremiah replied with - "I do not know how to speak; I am too young." Often times God tells us what to do and we doubt it. I can't do THAT, Lord....and we follow it with an excuse ("I am too young"). However, look at God's reply to Jeremiah - “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send
you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” God is saying, I have commanded you to follow the dream I placed inside of you. Do not be afraid, do not make excuses because I am with you.
So whatever it is that you feel is your purpose, your dream, petition it to God and say "Here I am God" and he will make a path for you. He will set the things in motion. He will create the stepping stones and open the doors.
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:31
Saturday, July 14, 2012
He stole my heart years ago....
Time has crept up on me .... and I don't like it.
Today is my son's 17th birthday - SEVENTEEN. Holy cow! It seems like it was a blink of an eye and he went from playing with Power Rangers to studying the driver's ed manual. I admit, I am freaking out a little bit. I don't know how parents have done it this long.
We used to say that we couldn't wait for our kids to grow up. We would joke saying how great life would be once they moved out and it was just Matt and I. Now that the day is not that far off, with a heavy heart, I tell them to never leave. They look at me like I have three heads.
They don't understand a mother's love. It scares me to death to think of them growing up, going to college, moving out, having a life that I don't have much of a say in. Not only does it frighten me, but it also makes my heart hurt.
My pregnancy with him was as easy as easy could get. I loved being pregnant and his was a walk in the park. His due date was originally in June but he refused to make his debut. Once he was 3 weeks overdue, the doctor said he needs to come out. On a Monday, he induced me and while I had no contractions, he assured me that I would once I went home. I didn't.
So, I went in Wednesday to be induced again with two separate hormones. Paraphrasing here but he said I would be a freak of nature if my body didn't respond. Well, call me a freak. I went home still pregnant and no contractions.
Friday rolled around and I went in to get triple doses of both hormones. They couldn't get the IV in and after 13 attempts, my mom was getting upset. My arms were black and blue and I felt as if I was going to pass out. My mom pitched a fit and after 4 different nurses tried to get the IV in, they called the doctor in. He popped it right in and braced it to insure it didn't slip out. Perhaps they should have opted for that option after the 5th attempt?
After an hour and pumping me full of synthetic hormones, I began to feel the most excruciating pain in my back I had ever felt. Now, I knew how labor worked. I took the classes, read the books and watched the documentaries. This was NOT what I remembered. It was like a wave. Once contraction came, peaked, lessened and another was right behind it. I was in so much pain that never subsided. After almost 12 hours of continual, non-stop back labor the doctor checked and said I was dilated to maybe - MAYBE - 1.5. That was a far cry from 10. He said I could go home or they could just perform a C-Section. At this point I was wore out and in so much pain I didn't care if they cut me open right then and there. I opted to have them perform the C-Section.
And so, Caleb was born. Caleb, while it is a biblical name, was not named after the Bible. He was named after James Dean's character in the movie East of Eden - Cal, short for Caleb (which the character was named after the Biblical character).
He was a perfect, chunky little baby. He really didn't fuss much and was pretty laid back. As he became a toddler and his sister was born (when he was almost 2), he still was laid back. He didn't show much interest in the new sibling. He was his own person and was content in playing alone somewhere. He is still like that - prefers to just hang out alone most of the time.
So as I remember the past years, I think how blessed I am to have such an awesome kid. He never has a harsh word to say about anyone. He is quick to forgive. He has a warm heart. He is a loyalist. If you are his friend and you put in your part to make the relationship work, he will as well and be a friend for life. He loves his momma - haha. He has developed a relationship with Matt that warms my heart. He still calls Cheyenne "sis". He is a video game junkie and is quite good. He is so smart that is frustrates me when he doesn't apply himself. He is a cat person and loves them. I think he prefers his cat, Kirby, than he does me most of the time. He is quick to help me out when I need it and while I need to tell him a couple times, he doesn't complain when I tell him to do something that needs to be done. There are days he reminds me so much of my dad. He will say something or an expression or way he moves across the floor that takes my breath away. I know he and my dad would have been buddies.
He has grown into a good looking, kind young man that loves God. While there are times I get frustrated with him or times where I beg him to watch a movie with me and he rather play Xbox.....I think how lucky I am to have an pretty cool kid.
So, happy birthday, Caleb. You stole my heart when I held you in the hospital and you will have it for a lifetime. While you prepare to enter adulthood next year, I have anxiety attacks but I offer this prayer to you -
I pray that you find happiness everywhere you go. I pray that you are a blessing to all around you where you feet land and wherever your hand reaches. I pray that you continue to seek God and never quit because life is an ongoing journey to reach Him. I pray you keep your integrity and you keep you kind heart and that the world does not get a hold of it and taint it. I pray that you remain friends with JJ because that is a friendship that warms my heart. I pray that you find a girl that loves God more than she loves you. I pray that you treat her with respect and love just as I pray she treats you the same. I pray that she loves your family and treats them with respect as well. I pray that you are successful in life and I know you will be because you are determined. I pray that you never have to struggle to make ends meet and that you are smart with your finances. I pray that you find beauty in everything and that life doesn't get so busy that you forget the little things. I pray that you always know, no matter what, I am here for you - no matter the circumstance. And finally, I pray that you know in your heart you always have a place to come home to.
Happy birthday, Caleb. I love you.
Today is my son's 17th birthday - SEVENTEEN. Holy cow! It seems like it was a blink of an eye and he went from playing with Power Rangers to studying the driver's ed manual. I admit, I am freaking out a little bit. I don't know how parents have done it this long.
We used to say that we couldn't wait for our kids to grow up. We would joke saying how great life would be once they moved out and it was just Matt and I. Now that the day is not that far off, with a heavy heart, I tell them to never leave. They look at me like I have three heads.
They don't understand a mother's love. It scares me to death to think of them growing up, going to college, moving out, having a life that I don't have much of a say in. Not only does it frighten me, but it also makes my heart hurt.
My pregnancy with him was as easy as easy could get. I loved being pregnant and his was a walk in the park. His due date was originally in June but he refused to make his debut. Once he was 3 weeks overdue, the doctor said he needs to come out. On a Monday, he induced me and while I had no contractions, he assured me that I would once I went home. I didn't.
So, I went in Wednesday to be induced again with two separate hormones. Paraphrasing here but he said I would be a freak of nature if my body didn't respond. Well, call me a freak. I went home still pregnant and no contractions.
Friday rolled around and I went in to get triple doses of both hormones. They couldn't get the IV in and after 13 attempts, my mom was getting upset. My arms were black and blue and I felt as if I was going to pass out. My mom pitched a fit and after 4 different nurses tried to get the IV in, they called the doctor in. He popped it right in and braced it to insure it didn't slip out. Perhaps they should have opted for that option after the 5th attempt?
After an hour and pumping me full of synthetic hormones, I began to feel the most excruciating pain in my back I had ever felt. Now, I knew how labor worked. I took the classes, read the books and watched the documentaries. This was NOT what I remembered. It was like a wave. Once contraction came, peaked, lessened and another was right behind it. I was in so much pain that never subsided. After almost 12 hours of continual, non-stop back labor the doctor checked and said I was dilated to maybe - MAYBE - 1.5. That was a far cry from 10. He said I could go home or they could just perform a C-Section. At this point I was wore out and in so much pain I didn't care if they cut me open right then and there. I opted to have them perform the C-Section.
And so, Caleb was born. Caleb, while it is a biblical name, was not named after the Bible. He was named after James Dean's character in the movie East of Eden - Cal, short for Caleb (which the character was named after the Biblical character).
He was a perfect, chunky little baby. He really didn't fuss much and was pretty laid back. As he became a toddler and his sister was born (when he was almost 2), he still was laid back. He didn't show much interest in the new sibling. He was his own person and was content in playing alone somewhere. He is still like that - prefers to just hang out alone most of the time.
So as I remember the past years, I think how blessed I am to have such an awesome kid. He never has a harsh word to say about anyone. He is quick to forgive. He has a warm heart. He is a loyalist. If you are his friend and you put in your part to make the relationship work, he will as well and be a friend for life. He loves his momma - haha. He has developed a relationship with Matt that warms my heart. He still calls Cheyenne "sis". He is a video game junkie and is quite good. He is so smart that is frustrates me when he doesn't apply himself. He is a cat person and loves them. I think he prefers his cat, Kirby, than he does me most of the time. He is quick to help me out when I need it and while I need to tell him a couple times, he doesn't complain when I tell him to do something that needs to be done. There are days he reminds me so much of my dad. He will say something or an expression or way he moves across the floor that takes my breath away. I know he and my dad would have been buddies.
He has grown into a good looking, kind young man that loves God. While there are times I get frustrated with him or times where I beg him to watch a movie with me and he rather play Xbox.....I think how lucky I am to have an pretty cool kid.
So, happy birthday, Caleb. You stole my heart when I held you in the hospital and you will have it for a lifetime. While you prepare to enter adulthood next year, I have anxiety attacks but I offer this prayer to you -
I pray that you find happiness everywhere you go. I pray that you are a blessing to all around you where you feet land and wherever your hand reaches. I pray that you continue to seek God and never quit because life is an ongoing journey to reach Him. I pray you keep your integrity and you keep you kind heart and that the world does not get a hold of it and taint it. I pray that you remain friends with JJ because that is a friendship that warms my heart. I pray that you find a girl that loves God more than she loves you. I pray that you treat her with respect and love just as I pray she treats you the same. I pray that she loves your family and treats them with respect as well. I pray that you are successful in life and I know you will be because you are determined. I pray that you never have to struggle to make ends meet and that you are smart with your finances. I pray that you find beauty in everything and that life doesn't get so busy that you forget the little things. I pray that you always know, no matter what, I am here for you - no matter the circumstance. And finally, I pray that you know in your heart you always have a place to come home to.
Happy birthday, Caleb. I love you.
 | |
| 3 months old |
 |
| Caleb and Cheyenne - busted, 4 years old. |
 | |
| Caleb and I now.....such a handsome young man. |
Friday, June 22, 2012
Being transparent.....
I have been in the valley for quite some time now.
These past few weeks have been something less than desirable for me - emotionally and spiritually. I have felt like I was digging myself into a hole that just kept getting deeper and deeper, and I feared that it would go so deep that the light would be swallowed by the darkness. While I know that the enemy uses our emotions to get us into a state of desperation, sometimes I can't seem to pull myself from it.
As a youth pastor and in leadership, it is hard to express my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I have to have a persona that I have it all together; that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. That isn't true. There are times I want to throw in the towel, there are times I fear I can't handle it any more and there are times that I feel like God is so far from my reach that He has forgotten about me altogether. Crazy, right? No, not really. I am a youth pastor, a leader - but I am still human. Sometimes I think we put pastors of the church and those in spiritual leadership up on a pedestal and we forget that they struggle too. So when they admit to having doubts or admit that life isn't as grand as they make it appear - then people start casting judgment and ridicule, questioning their leader's faith and relationship with God. In my opinion, that's not fair.
So, the past couple weeks have taken it's toll on me. I have had my doubts about a lot of things. I have weighed many options. I was in a pit of despair so deep that the thought of hitting my knees and crying out to God seemed preposterous and in my heart, I didn't want to do it.
*Gasp*!
I know, right? You would think when I am in such a 'funk', that hitting my knees and reaching out to God would be the logical choice. And while that is true, in my heart, I didn't feel like it. I am sure we have all been there. You just want to sit and fester in the misery and then wonder why you can't shake it. All the while, God is letting out a heavy sigh, letting you cry on His shoulder and saying to Himself - 'Just cry out to me and I will help you'. Our own stubbornness overtakes the logical at times.
So I have been in a valley. A valley is the area between two mountains. Very little sun hits it and it is a cool, dark place about 80 percent of the time. That is where I was. I was trudging the valley, trying to shake the thoughts I was having and just couldn't do it. The valley was a downhill slope and a slippery one at that. I could see the mountain and I wanted desperately to be at the peak, basking in the sun (Son) but I just couldn't......perhaps a better choice of words is wouldn't.....
So I continued to trudge, growing colder by the hour and seeing the mountains looming over me as if taunting me with their golden peaks. I could reach out and touch them but in my valley of despair, I felt like I was undeserving.
It is in those valleys that I learn a lot about myself and a lot about God. When you get to a point that there seems to be no hope, that everything is going wrong and you cannot focus on the positive because the negative seems so overwhelming.....it is there that God speaks out in a whisper. It is there that you have to listen closely and reach out to touch the hem of His cloak because if you don't, He will pass by and you will fall to your face knowing you should have tried harder.
In the Gospels, Jesus was passing by a large crowd when a woman who had been bleeding many, many years (12) sees him. She fights through the crowd. At this point, Jesus had quite the following. Everywhere he went people bombarded him, wanting to see him and touch him and beg him for a miracle. That is why we read Jesus going out on a boat or going off alone quite often. He did it to have his alone time with his Father and to get away from the hordes of people.
So you can imagine the crowd that was pushing and shoving just go get a glimpse of this miracle worker. So this woman knew if she just got close enough, if she just reached out and touched the hem of his garment she would be healed. She had to push and fight through the crowd. She probably got hit, stepped on, pushed and called a few choice names. However, she continued through the pain and fought through the people. She didn't just sit on the sidelines and wait for Jesus and hoped she could catch him on the fly.....no, she pressed in and was determined to not let her moment pass her by.
She finally broke through and her hand reached out and grabbed a hold of Jesus' hem. It was then that Jesus stopped and called out. He knew someone had touched him and he knew it was the woman. However, he asked who had touched him. He didn't ask because he didn't know....he asked so the woman would come forward and admit openly that she had been the one. That she was in such desperation that she fought through the pain and knew if she just reached out to Jesus, touching him would give her the hope she needed. Slowly, she stepped forward and admitted it was she. And Jesus, lovingly, said her faith had made her well. (Mark 5:25-34)
When we get in a place of desperation, we have to reach out. We have to fight through the pain and reach out to Jesus. Even when it looks like all is against us, we have to have the faith that if we just reach out to him, he will be there to help us through it. We can't just wait on him to pass by and hope that we can get a glimpse and that will be enough....no, we have to fight and press in towards him.
So, having been through a couple weeks of confusion and desperation, I have finally taken that step towards the mountain. My hands have gripped the rocks and my feet have dug in. I haven't made it to the top just yet but I am well on my way. It will be hard and I will have to fight through the pain and the enemy's voice just to hear God's whisper.......but I will make it to the top.
Being in the valley is hard. It is scary and sometimes a lonely place. But it is there that we learn faith. It is there that we lean on God's understanding and not our own.
He never said it would be easy......he merely said it would be worth it.
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