Harsh Reality

So, at the start of this year I decided to make the change I wanted to see.  This time last year, I was at the same point.  No joke.  The new year rolled over, I was gung-ho and ready to conquer the world and take it by the horns.  And I felt I was going to do it.

Then something happened.  A shift, if you will - a shift that caused my emotions to just crumble.  I couldn't tell you the moment or the circumstance, or even the month.  It just did.  That entire last half of 2013 was a mess for me, I admit.  I was spiraling into a pretty serious depression.  People would tell me to smile or to show joy.  Honestly, I don't even know what joy is.  I see people with it, but then I often wonder if they are faking it like I have so many times before?  Being a Christian, it is embedded into our spiritual DNA to be joyful.  It is even one of the fruits of the spirit.  So, as a Christian, people don't understand why I am so sad all the time.  At first, I knew why.  There were a lot of changes happening, relationships seemed irreparable, I felt forgotten and unwanted by others actions but after a few months, I didn't have a reason to be depressed - I just was.  I couldn't shake it.  I was getting dangerously close to a point that I really didn't want me to be in but some small part of me did, in fact, want it.  Sounds crazy, right?

Good news, though, I am recovering from it - slowly.  So as this year clicked over, I looked out over the course of the next 12 months and decided that I had to make the changes. 

First change was health.  I feel like I wasted a lot of my life with unhealthy choices (not just nutrition but in general) and didn't care.  But as I have gotten older, I realized that I want to be healthy and live a long, active life.  I wasn't going to do that from the couch.  Therefore, Matt and I joined the gym.  We have been going when we can and I, for one, love it.  I am disappointed when I can't make it to the class (which one night is Weds and I have youth group).  The first day I was pretty sure I would going to need 911 called and would have to pull my cane from the closet.  I was so sore and didn't even realized I had all the muscles that were screaming - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

But, over the course of the few days we went to class, it has gotten easier.  Well, let me take that back.....it hasn't gotten easier, per say, but I can at least walk without hunching over.

Another change is I started a new job.  I really enjoy it, nothing fancy, a cashier job.  I love working with people and interacting with a variety of customers, all with their own stories that they often like to share.  I haven't had a customer service job in over 8 years.  While I was a little intimidated at first, I enjoy it.

The other change is spiritual direction.  My kids are growing older and soon will be doing their own thing.  So where does that leave me?  I teach youth currently and enjoy it but I want more.  I am going to get my passport soon.  Not because I have a destination planned, but because I want to be ready.  I want to be ready for when the Lord needs a job fulfilled and He looks across the earth to see who will be suitable....and I will hop on my tiptoes, hand waving in the air and yelling - Lord, send me!   I want to go somewhere that will wreck my world.  Missions has been something on my heart.  Not to be a missionary as in moving to another country but I do want to travel and go where the Lord needs me to go. 

So, as I think of the many things in store this year (B4B, VBS, my son's graduation and open house, my son going to college, Fear Factory, my daughter becoming a senior, work, gym, teaching youth and still being a wife/mother) I get overwhelmed and a part of me wants to just throw in the towel and go back to my mundane life.  But that is not what God wants.  He wants us to be active and move forward constantly, to always seek Him and the next step. 

I don't want to just make it into heaven.....I want to slide through the pearly gates and say "Man, whatta ride!"

Adventure Is Out There

Another year has come and gone.  The older I get, the quicker these things sneak up on me it seems.  This has been the 8th year I haven't visited a bar or drank alcohol to ring in the New Year.  I am not saying it is a bad thing but for me, it is.  This has also been the first New Year's in 6 years that we haven't spent it around a bunch of crazy teens.  While I missed that, it was nice to just do nothing, more or less. 

With that being said, it is a time to reflect on the previous year.  As is most years, it was a turbulence of emotions and events.  It was a year of self evaluations and a year of seeing where we fit into this crazy world, so to speak. 

My daughter has been thinking about becoming a missionary for the first part of her adult life once she graduates.  She wants to attend a missionary school nearby and see the world.  She has an adventurous heart.  Therefore, she has been on this kick about asking me what adventures I have been on.  In which I reply - none.  So she asks me various scenarios to see if I have done them such as skydiving, riding a camel, etc.   I quickly realized that it feels as if I have wasted my life.  Sure, I have done a few things such as swim with stingrays and swim an underground cave but that seems small in comparison to the big picture.

We watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty this evening and, again, it seems the same theme smacking me in the face.  What have you done that is worth telling?  Sadly, not much for me.

I wasted the first 30 years of my life with alcohol and drugs.  I spent time in jail, in abusive relationships, partying, getting wasted and just hating life to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.  It is hard to believe that it has only been 8 years that I accepted Christ and turned my life around for the better.  However, it doesn't change the fact that my life has been less than adventurous. 

My daughter wants to travel and see the world.  She wants to help others and make a difference.  I applaud her for that but there is a bit of jealousy and sadness wrapped in the pride and excitement I have for her.  Jealousy because I know she will do it.  I know she will see many areas of the world that I will never.  She will have more adventure in a few years than I will ever have.  Then sadness - sadness that she will be so far away.  Sadness that we can't laugh until our sides hurt, sit and read together or go to the mall. 

Adventure is out there.  We just have to grab it.  My life isn't over yet.  With that being said, 2014 is going to be one crazy ride.  There is so much going on and so much change happening. I am a creature of habit in every sense of the word.  So, facing change head on is a scary thing but thankfully, I have Matt to go on the crazy train with me.  This coming year I have our annual youth rally to start thinking about, then Caleb graduates (gulp) and need to plan an open house, then VBS, then thinking about Caleb going to college (which terrifies me), vacations, ministry, getting healthier ..... and trying to work two jobs. 

Where does adventure play into all of this? 

I am unsure.  All I know is that, like Walter Mitty, my life is not worth a few pages in a journal.  However, even though my pages may be blank, I hold the pen.  If I want change, I will have to put the ink to the paper.

So, bring it on 2014.  As cliche as it sounds - the best is yet to come!