My eldest, only son, moved out of the house and into his college apartment. *sigh*
I have been an emotional wreck that I just couldn't pull myself out of. I would get up and leave the room randomly to go cry. If someone had told me that having a child was like having your heart walk around outside of your body, I am not sure I would have signed up for this gig.
It's hard. Actually, this was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. Last night I was such a mess that I began to have an anxiety attack and had to reel myself back in (with the help of medication). Finally, morning had came and we were packing up the vans and heading to Purdue.
I did fairly well today. I had these grand ideas that we would get him unpacked, moved in, we would go out to a movie, eat dinner and then I would drop him off at work with a final farewell. Yea....nice try.
He was moved in and unpacked in less than two hours and wanted lunch and me to go. So much for that idea. As short as it was....it was a good time. There was laughter, conversation and good feelings. Seeing him when his roommates arrived (buddies of his) and how they interacted put all my concerns at ease.
Leaving him with a "See ya later, text me if you need anything", I was driving home. I shed a few tears and told Cheyenne, in a dramatic flare of emotions, - "Being a mother sucks. Don't ever become one."
I am not okay but I will be. Yes, I may shed some more tears as I miss hearing him downstairs. I will sigh heavily when I just want to go downstairs and lay on his bed while he plays video games (and often fall asleep). The cat came up the stairs this evening, causing them to creak and for a brief moment, I thought it was Caleb. It's hard but we are creatures that adapt quickly. While I will miss him, I am excited for this adventure.
That is what we do, right? We have them, raise them and send them off. They are never truly OURS. God just loans them to us. We are to nurture, raise them, teach them, protect them, guide them....then trust in Him and send them into the world with a good moral compass. God is the one that created them, molded them in our wombs and has a purpose for them. We are here to unveil that purpose and help them discover it.
But danggit - it's hard!
However, as I sit here, I think to myself......if this is hard for me how much harder was it for God to let His Son go? How much harder was it for him to give His son to a hand picked mother, for her to raise him, nurture him, protect him, guide him and raise him only to let Him go and fulfill his purpose? I could not even begin to imagine.
I am scared to death, I admit. I have done everything for my son. Even when he moved in, I had him all set up with everything he needed to start out, including food. His other roommates came with some Ramen Noodles and coffee. I feel like I over achieved but I want him to succeed. I want him to flourish. When he was showing his roommates his dishes, his toaster oven, his Kierig and his groceries....he did so with pride.
I want nothing but the best for him but am afraid I did not teach him to live on his own. I never even taught him to use a dishwasher or a washing machine. I have never showed him how to make a bed or how to manage his time. My kids have no chores. I just tell them to clean their rooms and bathrooms from time to time. My husband always got on me about not giving them responsibility. It isn't that I didn't want them to have any responsibility....I just wanted them to be kids as long as possible. The majority of their lives will be consumed with working, paying bills, raising a family and being an adult. It is okay if the first part is just enjoying life for a little bit.
I wish I had cherished time more. Perhaps played an extra game of basketball outside, watched a few more movies, took more interest in COD, played board games more often, not yelled so much.....instead of letting him be a hermit, I wish I would have invaded his room more. While all those thoughts dance in my head, I think to myself that I may have missed those opportunities but I still have plenty more ahead of me.
So, he can get mad at my texts, he can roll his eyes at my Facebook posts, he can get irritated at my weekly visits.......but I know that he needs them just as much as I do.
I am such a lucky mom. I was thinking that the other day. I was talking with my husband about how hard this was and said, "Why can't our kids hate us like normal teenagers? It would be easier then." In which he replied, "Yea, we have some pretty good kids."
And we do. I am so utterly proud of both of my kids. I was such a crappy mom for the first 10 years of my son's life and first 8 of my daughter's. When I think of how despicable I truly was, it makes my heart hurt. I was horrible. However, when I found God and turned my life around, I became a better parent. My kids are my friends (but I am a parent first) and I wouldn't want it any other way.
So, I made it through.....I came out on the other side. There will be tough days ahead, I am sure. But I can do this.
At least for a year....until my daughter moves out and I am an empty nester. That will open a whole new can of worms. BUT - I will not dwell on that. I will enjoy this time I do have with her still at home.
With that being said.......
Boiler up!
Hammer down!
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| All packed and ready to roll |
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| I survived..... |
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| Coca Cola cans waiting in the fridge... "mom" and "go getter" |
