In like a lion, out like a lamb....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That is my confetti for ringing in the new year!  Another year has gone and a new year has begun.  Many people look at the new year as a new beginning, a fresh start.  Many people make resolutions, many people set goals and take on the new year with a vengeance - determined to make it better than the previous year.

I guess I do those things too.  I am determined to get in shape this year.  I am determined to be healthier.  Yes, I have said this before and yes I have succeeded (only to fail again).  However, there are some points in your life where you have to look around and ask yourself "what the heck am I doing?"  God has given us one life and one life that is precious and in the grand scheme of things, not that long.

So, I reflect on the previous year and take a heavy sigh.  A sigh of gratitude that it is over and a sigh of disappointment that it seems wasted.  This year has been one of the roughest I have had in awhile.  It has been rough emotionally and physically.  I have had a roller coaster of "ups" and "downs".  I have had hateful slander spewed about me like rancid vomit.  I have had relationships that I cherished gone in a moment's snap.  I have been hated even though the ones involved claimed to love God and it got to the point that I doubted everything.  I doubted my ministry, I doubted my marriage, I doubted my God and life in general.

*gasp*

I am not ashamed to admit my short comings.  I am not going to hide behind a mask that I am floating on butterflies and skipping through the meadows with a puppy....that's not reality.  This world is a hard world to live in.  It began since the fall of man in the Garden.  This rock we live on is NOT our home.  It was never intended to be once sin corrupted it.  At that moment it was destined to die.

If you came to my house and I treated you like royalty.  If I gave you the best of what I had and never came against you in controversy or anger. If everything about my house was perfect with no pain or sorrow - you would never want to leave.  You would never long for something better.  There would be no reason to.  However, if you came to my home and I never offered you a meal or water....if I yelled at you or ignored you all together.  If I hit you or mistreated you, you would want to go home, right?  That is how this world is.  We suffer and we go through tribulation so we can long for Home, for something BETTER.  If we had a perfect life, we would never desire more.

But this world is not a desolate wasteland.  I think we look at this place like there is no hope and we pray for Jesus' return and we see the signs of His coming.  In my opinion, that is a selfish mentality.  In all reality, when Jesus ascended to be with the Father in the gospels of the New Testament...the moment He was no longer in sight, we have been anticipating His return.  Some people get so wrapped up in the fact that Jesus is coming back (and He *is* coming back, FYI), that they miss living.  They miss the smell of rain in the air, they miss the newly fallen snow that glistens in the sunlight, they miss the smell of lilac in the air, they miss the child's laughter, they miss the awesome force in a summer's night storm, they miss the colors of a velvet sky, they miss the complexity of the body and how awesome it truly is......they miss IT.

So, while I have had a pretty crappy year (for lack of a better word), I let out a sigh of gratitude.  While I am miserable at times while in the moment or am wanting to throw in the towel saying it isn't worth it.....I know that Jesus said these times would come.  He told us to remember that when they come against us and hate us to remember that they hated Him first.  I then look around and instead of looking back at the hard times of this past year, I look at the times I smiled.  The times I got to spend with friends, the times I got to laugh and be stupid with my brother and his family, the times my kids and Matt and I shared, the moments that just made my heart swell with love and gratitude to the point that I thought it would burst from my chest.  I look back at my church family that through it all were there for me.  I cannot even fathom how I would have made it through without them.  I thank God for them often.  I reflect back on the youth group.  While there are changes constantly taking place, I know that it is all for the Kingdom.  Some changes are uncomfortable but with those moments of being in an uncomfortable place, I know that something beautiful will emerge.  The group makes me laugh, makes me feel loved, and I know that I have been there when they had no one else and that kind of relationship cannot be devalued.



2012 is going to be the year of change.  That isn't my resolution because resolutions are broken.  That is my statement - loud and clear.  So I am anticipating this year to come in like a lion -  the Lion of Judah!