I am a night owl. I always have been really. I just enjoy the quiet, peaceful evenings. Growing up in the country with no other homes around, I would open my windows and as the cool breeze ruffled the curtains it would carry the sounds of frogs and crickets. To me, those sounds are comforting. Now that I live in a town, I don't hear those sounds too often. Granted, we have crickets and other wildlife but hearing them blow in on a cool summer's breeze is rare.
Even though, I still enjoy the evenings. I have the house to myself, everyone is asleep - even the animals drift off into a peaceful slumber. This is the time that my brain kicks into overdrive which explains why I never sleep. My brain never shuts down and add a sprinkling of OCD into the mix and insomnia joins the party. I go in spurts where I never sleep then I go into a season where I want to sleep my life away. There is no happy medium. My body just adjusts. The longest my body refused to sleep was a few months ago where I slept 7 hours in 6 days. Yes...SEVEN hours in SIX days. I was cranky, groggy, slap-happy and just miserable. I wanted to cry I was so exhausted.
Then there are nights where I merely sit here and think of my past and my future. I do not look at my past as something negative. It happened. Period. The past is nothing that can be changed; we don't get any "do overs". However, we don't have to be a victim of it either. Our past is not who we are it is just a fact of what we have been through.
I enjoy sharing my testimony and I am planning on sharing it this May at our B4B Youth Rally. To be honest, at first I was a little intimidated when God told me to share it. I have shared it with several youth groups but to a large audience that has youth and adults? *gasp*
However, now I am so excited to share I could puke. I have been criticized before, being told that I am glorifying my past. People say that the past should be left there and not revisited while others say I am going for the 'shock' value.
First off, without my past experiences, I would not be the person I am today. Each moment in my life - the good and the bad - all lead up to my relationship with Jesus. If I had not experienced the drug abuse, the self-mutilation or the sexual assaults....I would not be the same individual sitting behind this laptop. Yes, some of the events resulted in poor choices and circumstance but each one was a stepping stone to the person I am today. I am not glorifying my mistakes or my failures. Those are merely facts that occurred in my life. I do not glorify the sinful nature I fell into but glorify the Savior that brought me out of it!
Lastly, I do go for the shock value sometimes. This is true. We live in a culture where nothing truly shocks or surprises us. We are so desensitized that nothing out there makes us gasp in horror....it only makes us sigh with pity. So if I can shock my audience, then maybe that will help them feel something other than being numb. That way they can feel the tugging on their spirit that Jesus is in fact alive.
I do not hide who I used to be or any aspect of my family life. I do not hide behind a mask and pretend that the person I am resulted in years of therapy. I am who I am because when God got a hold of me one Sunday morning, unexpectedly, I was shocked out of my own spiritual numbness and brought forward to feel something once again. I was so far gone that my toes hung over the edge of the cliff and one whispering breath from the enemy would have sent me over the edge. No, therapy did not do this. Sobering up did not do this. A doctor did not do this. A new drug did not do this.
GOD DID THIS.
He took someone so far gone, someone who felt like nothing was worth the effort, someone who resented everything the church stood for, someone who self medicated to escape the world she lived in......and completely turned her around. That day that I realized God was real and alive and wanted communion with ME, I never looked back. My eyes remained forward. I never touched another drug, never drank another beer, never let another razor touch my flesh, never again recited an incantation....
All it takes is one encounter with the living God. One moment when you realize that there is more to this life. That you don't have to walk around feeling as if you are alone and that no one cares. You don't have to cry out in the darkness only to have it fall on deaf ears. You don't have to slide the razor over your wrists wishing you had the courage to press a little harder.
You. Don't. Have. To......
God is waiting for you to take the step. He created you, not by accident, but by divine purpose. Your life has meaning. Your life has purpose. God knew you before you were conceived......as he looked down at the world one day, he told the heavenly hosts that he needed to create a human. He needed to create one that was so powerful, one that was so awesome in power, one that was courageous that the demons tremble. He would speak of the beauty he would instill in this human, the knowledge, the love, the passion. He then breathed life into that person and so he/she was created in the womb. While that person begins to grow and develop, unaware of the amazing potential that he/she possesses, God whispers into his/her spirit one word.....
World-Changer.
And that....is YOU.
Cast aside the weight of the world and step up to what you are called to do. All it takes is one willing servant to step up and say "Here I am, Lord. Send me."
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