Finding God in the midst of tragedy.....

Our nation mourns.

Friday morning, a 20 year old gunman entered a school in Newtown, Conneticut armed with a rifle and two pistols.  He gunned down 20 children ranging in age 5-7 years old as well as 6 woman after shooting and killing his mother in their home then turning the gun on himself - 28 victims total.  This is the second worst school shooting in our nation's history with Virginia Tech being number one with 32 deaths.

This is becoming an epidemic.

Not that long ago, we were shocked to hear of the "Batman" shooter.  Then shortly after, another man was arrested for having an arsenal in his trunk saying he was heading to a local theater.  When the blockbuster, Breaking Dawn 2 came out, there was word a man was planning a theater attack.  Just over the weekend, a man was arrested in my state, not that far from where I live and go to church, because he threatened to burn his wife and go on a shooting spree at the nearby school.  He had 47 guns in his home.  Saturday, during mass at the local church in Newtown, someone called and said "my friend didn't finish the job" and said he would.  This has got to stop. 

The media flashes the killer's face and name everywhere on tv, the internet, papers, radio, etc.--almost like he is a celebrity.  We know his story, his past, his family, his medical condition.....everything.  What about Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, James, Jesse, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Benjamin and Alison?  What about who they were?  What about their stories?

Perhaps if the media would just give the basic information about the killers and not "glorify" them, then others would not try to 'do one better'?  People with that mentality will see the publicity that one person gets and will then, in return, try to "up the ante" and create a shock circumstance to get their names sensationalized.

In 2010, China had an epidemic of men coming into schools, wielding cleavers and knives.  They would go in with the intent to do extensive harm.  Friday, the same day as Newtown's massacre, a man in China went into a school with a knife and injured 20 children.  I do not know his name or his background.  I just know of the incident.  Why?  Because China did not create a whirlwind publicity of the event or the assailant.  Since 2010, China has taken precautions against such attacks and while one occurred last week, they are now few and far between.  Perhaps we could learn a thing or two.

Then again, tragedy is what brings people together; it is what keeps us wanting more in some macabre way.  Tragedy is what keeps us gripped to our chairs, flipping through channels.  It is what keeps us browsing the internet for new information.  I admit I am one of these people.  I want to know everything there is to know.  Not because I am morbid but because the human mind fascinates me and I want to know what possesses someone to think that life is so messed up that massacring innocent children is okay.

I have heard Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the funerals of the victims.  Shame on you Westboro!  If this is true, then perhaps you should be directed to the Bible that you are staking your claim to justify your actions --".......whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished." -Proverbs 17:5.  The fact that they call themselves a church leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I have heard some say that we need to put God back into the schools.  God has never left the schools.  He is there as He has always been.  Jesus, Himself, said he would never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  God was there last Friday amidst the sorrow and tragedy just like He was there in the Garden of Eden, when Cain killed Abel, with Daniel in the lion's den, with Judas' treacherous kiss....with Jesus on the cross.  

God did not do this.....God did not create this sinful world.  

We did.

He created us with a plan in mind and gave us free will.  It was our own free will and our own arrogance that created the world we live in.  God knew what we would do, I have no doubt because He is all knowing....however, even though he knew what Eve would do once tempted....He hoped she wouldn't. 

This world is going to be full of hurt, tragedy and sorrow.  It will continue to be a cesspool of negativity and heart ache until the moment when Jesus returns.  We can merely learn from the circumstances we are thrust into.  Learn to love a little more, care a little more, hate a little less......to come together as a nation and help those hurting and hope that if we face devastation, the favor would be returned.  We can pray for the families affected and pray for the killer's family.  They are going through this devastation as well - they lost family too.

Lastly, gun control.  I admit I hate guns.  My dad had them growing up.  I don't want to hold one, I don't want to shoot one....I dislike them.  With that being said, I am not naive.  I do not think guns are the issue.  We can take them away all we want but if someone wants a gun - they will find a way to get it.  Guns will not eliminate violence.  Cain killed Abel with a rock because his drive to do so was so consuming that he was out to kill his brother with whatever means necessary (Genesis 4).  He could have planned it and had wielded a knife or something that would have done the job easier.  However, being consumed with jealousy and rage, he did the deed with the nearest object.   Hitler used gas.....everyday people are creating bombs, fire, gases, chemicals, etc.......you can take away the guns all you want but if someone has the mindset to create chaos --- they will find a way.

With all this being said, I do not fear for my life or my children's.  I refuse to live in fear.  God says we do not have the spirit of fear.  It is what it is.  I will rejoice in the victories and mourn in the sorrow.  I will look for the good in all circumstances.  

While this event has broken my heart, it will not be the last of its kind.  The scales are in the balance, dangerously on the verge of tipping.  What will be the final grain of sand that causes the scale to tip?  What will be the final event that causes Jesus to look at the Father and ask "is it time?" and the Father to look back with a resounding "YES"? 

It will continue to get worse.  It has since Eve took that first bite.  Our world was then destined to die.  We have to look at the big picture.  While things will inevitably get worse, Jesus is still King.  He will return and bring righteousness.  He will return in all His glory and take us to the place He has prepared where there will be no more sorrow, no more pain and no more tears.  A place we will be reunited with loved ones.  A place where I will sit at the feet of Jesus and a place where I can rush to my earthly father who has passed on and hug him and say "I made it!".  It will be a place of constant joy, saturated with praises and love......a place where the mothers will be reunited with their children. 

I, for one, cannot wait.  Jesus....come swiftly.

Sometimes the holidays aren't that merry.....

I used to think Christmas wasn't as magical once the kids had gotten older.  Granted, they still enjoy the season and we still do traditions that we started when they were younger but it has lost the wonderment of a child's imagination.

However, a few years ago, I kept thinking that mentality and it started putting me in a funk for the holidays.  I started to grumble, hate to go shopping, snarled at the Christmas music blaring in every store and just wasn't showing the love of Jesus when people needed it the most.  I was just a Scrooge.

I then made up my mind that I would not be like that.  I would make an effort to enjoy the season.  I would smile when others were frowning, I would hum Christmas tunes as I maneuvered my cart past rude customers like I was in the Indy 500.  I would put the Christmas tree up with joy and I refused to stress over gifts.  I would bring the cheer back.

I found that, with this mentality, the holidays were a pleasure to welcome in.  It made the laughter a little more hearty.  It made the memories a little more special.  It was what Christmas was truly intended for.

Last year that changed, or it tried to.  My family didn't get together due to some differences.  While I still celebrated Christmas with my brother, it just wasn't the same no matter how hard I pretended it was.  We still made wonderful memories at home with our kids and we even had a divine visitation which will never be forgotten.  However.....it just wasn't the same.  Despite that, I still put on the Christmas cheer and made it a fun season, regardless.

So here I sit.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over and the calender flipped to December, I have been in such a poor state of mind that I can not seem to find where I misplaced my joy.  No matter how hard I tried....I would consciously try to get to that joyful state of how amazing God is and He sent his son - that was the true meaning of Christmas.  And yet, I would linger there for a moment only to have the dark cloud creep back in.

I miss my dad.

That was where it stemmed from.  The 22nd of this month marks 20 years ago that my dad was diagnosed with only 2 months to live.  His birthday is the 18th.  I always feel I have to tell Matt that.  On the 18th I will tell Matt "Today is my dad's birthday" just as I have done the past 16 years.  I am unsure why this year is harder than the previous.  Perhaps it truly isn't and just seems that way.  Whatever the case, I find myself thinking of him often and when no one is around, I shed a tear or two.

I think of how Christmas was a holiday that my dad loved.  He enjoyed getting on the floor with the grandkids (he only had a short time with them).  He laughed harder than he ever had all year; his eyes held a sparkle that his illness robbed him of the other 11 months out of the year.  He ate until he couldn't eat anymore and enjoyed the food without getting sick.   He would steal pieces of turkey as my mom would turn her back and he would enjoy cookies dipped in his coffee.  I remember him sitting in his recliner and just watching the room as if he was trying to burn that moment into his memory.

There were many Christmases that my dad spent it in the hospital.  He was prone to pneumonia, bronchitis and other afflicting illnesses.  When asked what are some of my favorite Christmas memories, there are very few.  However, the ones I do I have, I cherish.

This year will be no different than last.  We will go to my brother's and spend it with him and his family.  While I love my brother dearly and enjoy his company......it isn't the same.  I can't help but think how my dad would not allow this.  No matter what disputes we had; no matter what differences we shared....he made us put them aside if only for one day of the year.  I know, deep in my heart, this is the way it should be.  Forgiveness should mend my heart.  But it is so hard.  It is hard to pretend as if nothing happened.  It is hard to put my kids in a situation where they are uncomfortable.  We recently were privy to new information that would make the situation even MORE uncomfortable.  So while I danced with the idea of contacting everyone to get together, I decided not to.

That is another thing that makes my heart heavy.  I was always the one to contact everyone to get them together.  If I do not contact anyone, I won't hear from them.  That hurts my heart deeply because it feels as if I am not important to them.  I often wonder if I even cross their mind as much as they jog through mine?

I am trying to be joyful and merry this year because it isn't fair to my family and those around me to be in such a funk.  However, I admit I am having a hard time overcoming.  I am typically a pretty strong person so this time is making me not only melancholy but angry at myself for feeling this way.

I know God is a restorer and I know that He is close to the brokenhearted.  I know all the right things and I know the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy....I know.  However, knowing it and trying to grasp the reality of it when you feel like you are drowning are two entirely different things. 

I will persevere.  I will come out better than the way I went in, however right now I am just sad.  I am sad on so many levels that it makes my heart so heavy I fear it will drop to the bottom of my stomach.

The only thing I know to do is sit at the feet of Jesus.....and sometimes that is even hard to do.  I know He is there for me and wants to carry my burdens and heal my heart but I feel like restoration is so far from reach that my arms will get tired before I touch the hem of His garment.

As many of you read this, do not feel pity for me.  Do not think that I need to 'get over it'.  I will get over it but right now, it is hard as I sit and miss my dad and wish he was here.  When people lose loved ones, I never give them empty promises that it will get better.  While SOME days are better; you never truly stop hurting.  Some days I hurt so much that I feel like the pain is still raw.  There are other days when I cannot wait to get to heaven just to see my dad.  And yet there are other days when I feel sorrow that I didn't cherish what time I did have because I was being a stupid, rebellious teenager. 

So, while everyone is out shopping and enjoying their time with their loved ones and friends---remember that behind some eyes there is the pain the holidays bring; behind some smiles is a heartache that will never heal.  Be sympathetic and offer love to those that need it even when they say they are 'fine'.

My dad sitting on the floor while my niece, Chantel, thanks him for the gift.  These are the moments I cherish.