Sometimes the holidays aren't that merry.....

I used to think Christmas wasn't as magical once the kids had gotten older.  Granted, they still enjoy the season and we still do traditions that we started when they were younger but it has lost the wonderment of a child's imagination.

However, a few years ago, I kept thinking that mentality and it started putting me in a funk for the holidays.  I started to grumble, hate to go shopping, snarled at the Christmas music blaring in every store and just wasn't showing the love of Jesus when people needed it the most.  I was just a Scrooge.

I then made up my mind that I would not be like that.  I would make an effort to enjoy the season.  I would smile when others were frowning, I would hum Christmas tunes as I maneuvered my cart past rude customers like I was in the Indy 500.  I would put the Christmas tree up with joy and I refused to stress over gifts.  I would bring the cheer back.

I found that, with this mentality, the holidays were a pleasure to welcome in.  It made the laughter a little more hearty.  It made the memories a little more special.  It was what Christmas was truly intended for.

Last year that changed, or it tried to.  My family didn't get together due to some differences.  While I still celebrated Christmas with my brother, it just wasn't the same no matter how hard I pretended it was.  We still made wonderful memories at home with our kids and we even had a divine visitation which will never be forgotten.  However.....it just wasn't the same.  Despite that, I still put on the Christmas cheer and made it a fun season, regardless.

So here I sit.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over and the calender flipped to December, I have been in such a poor state of mind that I can not seem to find where I misplaced my joy.  No matter how hard I tried....I would consciously try to get to that joyful state of how amazing God is and He sent his son - that was the true meaning of Christmas.  And yet, I would linger there for a moment only to have the dark cloud creep back in.

I miss my dad.

That was where it stemmed from.  The 22nd of this month marks 20 years ago that my dad was diagnosed with only 2 months to live.  His birthday is the 18th.  I always feel I have to tell Matt that.  On the 18th I will tell Matt "Today is my dad's birthday" just as I have done the past 16 years.  I am unsure why this year is harder than the previous.  Perhaps it truly isn't and just seems that way.  Whatever the case, I find myself thinking of him often and when no one is around, I shed a tear or two.

I think of how Christmas was a holiday that my dad loved.  He enjoyed getting on the floor with the grandkids (he only had a short time with them).  He laughed harder than he ever had all year; his eyes held a sparkle that his illness robbed him of the other 11 months out of the year.  He ate until he couldn't eat anymore and enjoyed the food without getting sick.   He would steal pieces of turkey as my mom would turn her back and he would enjoy cookies dipped in his coffee.  I remember him sitting in his recliner and just watching the room as if he was trying to burn that moment into his memory.

There were many Christmases that my dad spent it in the hospital.  He was prone to pneumonia, bronchitis and other afflicting illnesses.  When asked what are some of my favorite Christmas memories, there are very few.  However, the ones I do I have, I cherish.

This year will be no different than last.  We will go to my brother's and spend it with him and his family.  While I love my brother dearly and enjoy his company......it isn't the same.  I can't help but think how my dad would not allow this.  No matter what disputes we had; no matter what differences we shared....he made us put them aside if only for one day of the year.  I know, deep in my heart, this is the way it should be.  Forgiveness should mend my heart.  But it is so hard.  It is hard to pretend as if nothing happened.  It is hard to put my kids in a situation where they are uncomfortable.  We recently were privy to new information that would make the situation even MORE uncomfortable.  So while I danced with the idea of contacting everyone to get together, I decided not to.

That is another thing that makes my heart heavy.  I was always the one to contact everyone to get them together.  If I do not contact anyone, I won't hear from them.  That hurts my heart deeply because it feels as if I am not important to them.  I often wonder if I even cross their mind as much as they jog through mine?

I am trying to be joyful and merry this year because it isn't fair to my family and those around me to be in such a funk.  However, I admit I am having a hard time overcoming.  I am typically a pretty strong person so this time is making me not only melancholy but angry at myself for feeling this way.

I know God is a restorer and I know that He is close to the brokenhearted.  I know all the right things and I know the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy....I know.  However, knowing it and trying to grasp the reality of it when you feel like you are drowning are two entirely different things. 

I will persevere.  I will come out better than the way I went in, however right now I am just sad.  I am sad on so many levels that it makes my heart so heavy I fear it will drop to the bottom of my stomach.

The only thing I know to do is sit at the feet of Jesus.....and sometimes that is even hard to do.  I know He is there for me and wants to carry my burdens and heal my heart but I feel like restoration is so far from reach that my arms will get tired before I touch the hem of His garment.

As many of you read this, do not feel pity for me.  Do not think that I need to 'get over it'.  I will get over it but right now, it is hard as I sit and miss my dad and wish he was here.  When people lose loved ones, I never give them empty promises that it will get better.  While SOME days are better; you never truly stop hurting.  Some days I hurt so much that I feel like the pain is still raw.  There are other days when I cannot wait to get to heaven just to see my dad.  And yet there are other days when I feel sorrow that I didn't cherish what time I did have because I was being a stupid, rebellious teenager. 

So, while everyone is out shopping and enjoying their time with their loved ones and friends---remember that behind some eyes there is the pain the holidays bring; behind some smiles is a heartache that will never heal.  Be sympathetic and offer love to those that need it even when they say they are 'fine'.

My dad sitting on the floor while my niece, Chantel, thanks him for the gift.  These are the moments I cherish.