Wide grins and sticky fingers.....

Summer is over.  Where the heck did it go?!

I swear time goes faster the older I get.  Another birthday has come and gone (which was the suckiest birthday I have had in a long time coincidentally) and school is now approaching.

Time is going by so fast it is taking my breath away and I want just throw my hands up and yell "WHOA!" in hopes that it will slow down so I can catch my breath.  I am not handling the change well.  The other day my daughter was sitting down planning her "Sweet 16" birthday which isn't until next spring.  Sixteen?  Are you serious?  Then I look at this time next year and Caleb will be 18.  That scares the skittles right out of me.  I know I should just enjoy the moments as they come but I can't help but dwell in what hasn't even happened yet. 

Sometimes those thoughts are just overwhelming I want to cry.  Where have my babies gone?  I look at pictures and home videos and my heart physically hurts.  I always joked how I couldn't wait for them to be 18 and out of the house.  Now I tell them to stay as long as they want.  They aren't just my kids; they are my friends. 

I then look back and wish I had decided to have more children.  Two just doesn't seem enough.  Now that they are pushing adulthood (gulp), I can't help but long for another little one.  I miss them holding onto just my forefinger as we walked across a parking lot.  I miss their doe-eyed looks at the simplest things that amazed them.  I miss Cheyenne being itty bitty and watching "The Big Comfy Couch" and when Loonette did the clock on the floor and hurried to tidied up, Cheyenne would get all excited and run around the living room like she was in a hurry to get it cleaned when in fact, she didn't pick a thing up!  I miss Caleb sitting on the floor with his action figures and playing for hours with his imagination.  I miss them getting excited for Matt to get home and they would rush to him with wide grins and sticky fingers.

I miss them calling me Mommy.

*sigh*






The desire to have another little one is so strong that I think about it all the time.  At first I thought it was just a mid-life crisis.  It seems silly to want to start over at the age I am at.  I feel like someone should shake me and say - "Are you crazy?!"  Maybe I am.  However, the more the days pass the more that I want one so badly that I feel like crying because it may never come to pass.  Then again.....maybe it will. 

It is part of life and while I need to enjoy the seasons as they come, I can't help but feel saddened.  My little ones are growing up and will soon go to college, get married and have little ones of their own.  I will be an awesome grandma, just saying. 

Until then, I have to try to not live in the past and not dwell in the future but just enjoy the now.  I never knew being a mother would be this hard.  I don't see how so many mothers before me have done it.  There are days I don't think I am strong enough.  However, I know that God will protect them whenever I am no longer there.

Until then......I will just cherish the moments I have and every now and then reminisce about Loonette and Molly, a clown and her dolly...on the Big Comfy Couch.