I once was dead.....

8 years ago today, I was on my way to hell.

It's true.  It was this day that God plucked me from the very cusp of the drop off into sulfur and brimstone.  Over dramatic?  I don't think so.

I was on a path of destruction with no hope in sight.  My kids were going to church with their Grandpa and a week prior, my daughter asked us to go in which I replied "No".  I may have used some colorful adjectives that would make a sailor blush with shame but will leave those to your imagination.  She pestered me as most 8 year olds do until I finally agreed to go the next Sunday, in hopes she would forget.

When you promise a child something, they will NEVER forget it.  I learned this lesson.  The following Sunday soon came and she asked us again to go to church in which I gave a resounding "No!".  With her doe-eyed look she simply said "But you promised".  And so I was busted.  Disgruntled and against my will, I got dressed and we all went.

I was raised Southern Baptist.  There are a lot of things I had never witnessed so you can imagine my surprise when I sat in on a Pentecostal service.  The worship was good although I couldn't name one song that was sung because my thoughts were on what I was going to have for lunch.  It was then that things went amiss and just plain nuts, to put it lightly.  I had never witnessed a move of the Holy Spirit.  Granted, I knew who God was and believed in Him and knew all about Jesus but that was as far as my Biblical knowledge went.  There was no relationship; there was no realization that God wanted to be part of our lives.  So, as I sat there and the Holy Spirit moved through that sanctuary, I began to get a bit freaked out.

Now, the day before was my son's Pinewood Derby race.  Even though we were not "church goers", our kids were actively involved so we went.  We had went out drinking the night before and were not too pleased to be up so early.  Matt had thrown up twice on the way and even though God was not part of our lives, that didn't mean we were bad parents.  In our minds, we still wanted to be there for our son.  While there, the Pastor tried to befriend Matt, who wanted nothing to do with it and the Pastor's wife wanted to get to know me on a level that I didn't want her on.  So, we gritted our teeth and made it through the day.  Funny how God orchestrates things once you look back on them.....

That following day, Sunday, was the day I was sitting in the pew and people were dancing, singing, laughing and speaking in a language that made me think they were from another planet.  With wide eyes, I glanced at Matt as if to subconsciously say - let's go.  It was then that the Pastor's wife sat next to me and asked me one question ---

"How is your relationship with Jesus?"

I sat there, speechless.  I tried to grasp an answer.  I tried to even lie.  As I thought about it momentarily, I realized I didn't have an answer because I truly didn't know.  Tears welled up and slowly rolled down my cheek.  She kept asking in a loving tone and tried to explain how amazing it was to be in the family of God.  I didn't want to hear it.  Words escaped me but I continued to shake my head as if to shake the words she were speaking off of me.  She continued to coax me to go to the altar and lay it before God.  I was stubborn.  Matt had been mentioning church for years and I refused to give in.  I enjoyed my sinful life.  I enjoyed going down the path of destruction.  Why would I want to give all that up for rules and regulations?

God had other plans for me.  Before my brain could compute what my feet were doing, I was up and heading towards the front.  The Pastor turned and smiled, as if he was expecting me and through prayer, he probably was.  I felt sick, weak and light headed and I could only hear him say "go to your knees".

Excuse me?  You want me to do what?

Not gonna happen.  I refused to go to my knees in front of God and everybody.  How embarrassing to show that kind of weakness.  I.  Am.  Not.  Going.  To.  Do.  It.

Isn't it funny how we are like a spoiled child and we cross our arms and say "nuh-uh".  Well, God decided to use His fatherly authority and while no one touched me, I felt a hand on my shoulder that gently, yet firmly, pushed me to my knees.  It was there that I laid it all on the altar.  The shame.  The disobedience.  The guilt. Everything.  I heard a voice that was barely audible, almost a whisper say - "Welcome into my kingdom, for I am with you."  I look up and Matt was on his knees, sobbing and accepting Christ in his life too.

That was 8 years ago.  I have never looked back.  The Bible says we are a new creation - the old is gone.  I am the example of that.  I have a long list of alcohol, drugs, self harm, black magic, abuse.....that day, March 6, 2005 - God delivered me from all of it.

I have rough days, it hasn't always been peaches and cream.  But now I don't have to deal with it alone.  I am grafted into the family of Christ.  He saved me from death, physical and spiritual.  He welcomed me despite my short comings and embraced me with a love like no other.

I can not imagine going back to that person I once was.  I look at pictures or talk about the things I have done and it seems as if I am speaking about someone else.  I share my testimony often, not to glorify it but to show others that if God can radically change this sinner, He can change them.

Becoming a Christian is not saying that hardships don't come.  I still have days where the thought of drugs or alcohol or even self harm creep in.  The enemy is good like that.  He has no new tricks.  He just repeats himself and likes to bring up your past to trip you up and create confusion.  He is an enemy of our soul and has one job and one job only - to kill, steal and destroy.  He is the father of lies and anything that comes from his lips is nothing but deceit.  Sometimes though, he is crafty and I fall into the notion that it is truth.  Before I had Christ, I would just do what felt good whether that was drugs or self-mutilation.  The enemy of my soul would tempt me and direct me and I would follow without hesitation.  Now, I recognize it.  Although, sometimes I fall into a funk where before I would self medicate, now I just ask God to see me through.  And ya know what?  He always does.

So, I am not the person I once was but I have not become the person I want to be.  I am continually on the path of self evaluation.  I can always do better and be better.  I will strive for righteousness until the day the trumpets sound.  My eyes have been opened.

I was once dead; but now am alive.

March 5, 2005 - the day before God got a hold of us!

March 6, 2013 - 8 years of salvation and we have never been happier.