To the men in my life......

It is late.....that is when my mind ponders and refuses to shut down like a normal person's would.

With that being said, it is also Father's Day.  Therefore, I wanted to blog about the inspirational father figures in my life.

First, my actual dad.  He has been gone 21 years.  It seems like a lifetime and yet seems like just yesterday.  While he and I never really saw eye to eye, I respect him more now than before.  It has to do with the maturity level, I am sure.  I wish I had known him as an adult, and I wish I had listened to his nuggets of wisdom more.  He was an intelligent man and my insatiable love for books comes from him.  He was soft spoken and didn't talk just to hear himself speak.  He rarely raised his voice and was a hard worker.  He is daily missed but I thank God for giving me pieces of him in my son.  There have been times that Caleb has taken my breath away by his posture or what he says and my dad comes through.  Happy Father's Day, Dad....see you again soon.

Next, my heavenly Father.  Corny?  Perhaps.  However, my life has been completely changed and turned upside down since 2008.  No one could ever convince me there is not a God.  Even though He doesn't have to, He proves Himself time and time again.  There are some days I think to myself how I ever survived without the knowledge of God and His presence in my life.  My life has never been the same.

Matt.....he may not be my father but he is a father in my life.  We were both young when we got married and he took on, not only me, but my 2 year old son as well.  He has always worked hard to provide for us.  He will do anything within his power to put a smile on our faces.  He has a tender heart and even though he gets on my nerves most days, I know he genuinely loves me and the kids.  I couldn't ask for a better dad for them.  It takes a special man to take on another woman's child and treat him like his own.  My son looks up to Matt and loves him without fail.

Lastly, my brother, Tracy.  When my dad passed away, he stepped up.  He handled things in a mature way.  For only being 27 at the time, he took the situation under his wing.  I never once saw him cry even though I knew the death of our dad was tearing him up inside.  He stayed strong, not because he wanted to be macho but because he didn't have a choice.  Everyone around him was falling apart.  He stood strong.  He has remained that way from then to now.  I know if I ever need anything, he will be there.  If I ever need help, he will come.  If I ever need to vent, he will listen.  He and I never argue or fight, we have the same gentle spirit and we see eye to eye on a lot of things.  We can talk for hours and laugh at stupid stuff.  He may not be my dad....but he is a pretty close second.

So with that being said, Happy Father's Day !!!  Kick your feet up, turn on the t.v. and just enjoy the day...and know that you are loved and appreciated!

The day has come

Today was a day that was I was both looking forward to and dreading. 

My first child's graduation.

I admit.  It has been hard to transition.  There are so many things that I dwell on and it is all happening so FAST.

Ok .... here is where I posted a paragraph reflecting on what I am going to miss when he leaves in a couple months.  I deleted it.  I refuse to reflect on what I am going to miss and focus on the good.  Besides, tears this late at night do nothing more than give me a headache and a stuffed up nose.

He graduated!  I have a kid that is a college freshman.  That blows my mind!  He is moving into an apartment with some buddies in August and while the transition will be hard on my heart - and I apologize for those that are in my life and have to deal with my depression (I promise it will be short, just give me a moment) - I know he is going to be successful. 

I was just telling Matt that I sometimes think how amazing my kids truly are.  They are really good kids.  They are smart, funny, good temperaments (for the most part, haha), well rounded and thinkers.  Considering that the first 10/8 years of their lives was a mess, I am truly grateful for the way they have matured and grown.

While I will miss him terribly, I know that good things are in store for him.  It is taking everything in me to not blog about what I will miss.  However, it is late and I don't want to cry at the moment.  Lord knows I have done enough of that here lately.

There are some days that I am excited for the future.  I am excited to see where he ends up, how he succeeds, who he marries and what my grandchildren will look like.  I am excited to do some things I have wanted to do but held back to ensure he succeeded. Then there are days where it feels like I cannot bear the ache that permeates my soul. It is an ache of mourning, as odd as that sounds. 

I know I will miss him but that isn't the only reason I feel the way I do.  I do not like change.  At all.  And in the next two years, everything is being turned upside down.  I am going to go from being a mother and having my kids as my best friends to being a mother - alone.  I know, I know....they are not far.  They are always my kids.  I still have Matt.  They will come home from time to time...yadda yadda.  I have heard it all.  It doesn't change the fact that I will miss them.  And telling me that "all parents go through this" doesn't help either.  I know that they do.  But I haven't and this is all new to me.

So, while I am utterly thrilled with the path Caleb is taking (going to Purdue in the fall), I will miss him terribly.  So those that are in my circle, just bear with me.  Don't offer words of encouragement.  Don't hug me and say it will be alright.  The best thing you can do....is just let me be.

With that said, congratulations Caleb!  I am so very, VERY proud of you!  I love you more than words can express and wish you nothing but the best.

Always remember.....

I am your biggest fan.