The day has come

Today was a day that was I was both looking forward to and dreading. 

My first child's graduation.

I admit.  It has been hard to transition.  There are so many things that I dwell on and it is all happening so FAST.

Ok .... here is where I posted a paragraph reflecting on what I am going to miss when he leaves in a couple months.  I deleted it.  I refuse to reflect on what I am going to miss and focus on the good.  Besides, tears this late at night do nothing more than give me a headache and a stuffed up nose.

He graduated!  I have a kid that is a college freshman.  That blows my mind!  He is moving into an apartment with some buddies in August and while the transition will be hard on my heart - and I apologize for those that are in my life and have to deal with my depression (I promise it will be short, just give me a moment) - I know he is going to be successful. 

I was just telling Matt that I sometimes think how amazing my kids truly are.  They are really good kids.  They are smart, funny, good temperaments (for the most part, haha), well rounded and thinkers.  Considering that the first 10/8 years of their lives was a mess, I am truly grateful for the way they have matured and grown.

While I will miss him terribly, I know that good things are in store for him.  It is taking everything in me to not blog about what I will miss.  However, it is late and I don't want to cry at the moment.  Lord knows I have done enough of that here lately.

There are some days that I am excited for the future.  I am excited to see where he ends up, how he succeeds, who he marries and what my grandchildren will look like.  I am excited to do some things I have wanted to do but held back to ensure he succeeded. Then there are days where it feels like I cannot bear the ache that permeates my soul. It is an ache of mourning, as odd as that sounds. 

I know I will miss him but that isn't the only reason I feel the way I do.  I do not like change.  At all.  And in the next two years, everything is being turned upside down.  I am going to go from being a mother and having my kids as my best friends to being a mother - alone.  I know, I know....they are not far.  They are always my kids.  I still have Matt.  They will come home from time to time...yadda yadda.  I have heard it all.  It doesn't change the fact that I will miss them.  And telling me that "all parents go through this" doesn't help either.  I know that they do.  But I haven't and this is all new to me.

So, while I am utterly thrilled with the path Caleb is taking (going to Purdue in the fall), I will miss him terribly.  So those that are in my circle, just bear with me.  Don't offer words of encouragement.  Don't hug me and say it will be alright.  The best thing you can do....is just let me be.

With that said, congratulations Caleb!  I am so very, VERY proud of you!  I love you more than words can express and wish you nothing but the best.

Always remember.....

I am your biggest fan.