Being transparent.....

 I have been in the valley for quite some time now.  

These past few weeks have been something less than desirable for me - emotionally and spiritually.  I have felt like I was digging myself into a hole that just kept getting deeper and deeper, and I feared that it would go so deep that the light would be swallowed by the darkness.  While I know that the enemy uses our emotions to get us into a state of desperation, sometimes I can't seem to pull myself from it. 

As a youth pastor and in leadership, it is hard to express my emotions.  Sometimes I feel like I have to have a persona that I have it all together; that I can deal with whatever life throws at me.  That isn't true.  There are times I want to throw in the towel, there are times I fear I can't handle it any more and there are times that I feel like God is so far from my reach that He has forgotten about me altogether.  Crazy, right?   No, not really.  I am a youth pastor, a leader - but I am still human.  Sometimes I think we put pastors of the church and those in spiritual leadership up on a pedestal and we forget that they struggle too.  So when they admit to having doubts or admit that life isn't as grand as they make it appear - then people start casting judgment and ridicule, questioning their leader's faith and relationship with God.  In my opinion, that's not fair. 

So, the past couple weeks have taken it's toll on me.  I have had my doubts about a lot of things.  I have weighed many options.  I was in a pit of despair so deep that the thought of hitting my knees and crying out to God seemed preposterous and in my heart, I didn't want to do it. 

*Gasp*! 

I know, right?  You would think when I am in such a 'funk', that hitting my knees and reaching out to God would be the logical choice.  And while that is true, in my heart, I didn't feel like it.  I am sure we have all been there.  You just want to sit and fester in the misery and then wonder why you can't shake it.  All the while, God is letting out a heavy sigh, letting you cry on His shoulder and saying to Himself - 'Just cry out to me and I will help you'.  Our own stubbornness overtakes the logical at times.

So I have been in a valley.  A valley is the area between two mountains.  Very little sun hits it and it is a cool, dark place about 80 percent of the time.  That is where I was.  I was trudging the valley, trying to shake the thoughts I was having and just couldn't do it.  The valley was a downhill slope and a slippery one at that.  I could see the mountain and I wanted desperately to be at the peak, basking in the sun (Son) but I just couldn't......perhaps a better choice of words is wouldn't.....

So I continued to trudge, growing colder by the hour and seeing the mountains looming over me as if taunting me with their golden peaks.  I could reach out and touch them but in my valley of despair, I felt like I was undeserving.

It is in those valleys that I learn a lot about myself and a lot about God.  When you get to a point that there seems to be no hope, that everything is going wrong and you cannot focus on the positive because the negative seems so overwhelming.....it is there that God speaks out in a whisper.  It is there that you have to listen closely and reach out to touch the hem of His cloak because if you don't, He will pass by and you will fall to your face knowing you should have tried harder.

In the Gospels, Jesus was passing by a large crowd when a woman who had been bleeding many, many years (12) sees him.  She fights through the crowd.  At this point, Jesus had quite the following.  Everywhere he went people bombarded him, wanting to see him and touch him and beg him for a miracle.  That is why we read Jesus going out on a boat or going off alone quite often.  He did it to have his alone time with his Father and to get away from the hordes of people. 

So you can imagine the crowd that was pushing and shoving just go get a glimpse of this miracle worker.  So this woman knew if she just got close enough, if she just reached out and touched the hem of his garment she would be healed.  She had to push and fight through the crowd.  She probably got hit, stepped on, pushed and called a few choice names.  However, she continued through the pain and fought through the people.  She didn't just sit on the sidelines and wait for Jesus and hoped she could catch him on the fly.....no, she pressed in and was determined to not let her moment pass her by.

She finally broke through and her hand reached out and grabbed a hold of Jesus' hem.  It was then that Jesus stopped and called out.  He knew someone had touched him and he knew it was the woman.  However, he asked who had touched him.  He didn't ask because he didn't know....he asked so the woman would come forward and admit openly that she had been the one.  That she was in such desperation that she fought through the pain and knew if she just reached out to Jesus, touching him would give her the hope she needed.  Slowly, she stepped forward and admitted it was she.  And Jesus, lovingly, said her faith had made her well.  (Mark 5:25-34)

When we get in a place of desperation, we have to reach out.  We have to fight through the pain and reach out to Jesus.  Even when it looks like all is against us, we have to have the faith that if we just reach out to him, he will be there to help us through it.   We can't just wait on him to pass by and hope that we can get a glimpse and that will be enough....no, we have to fight and press in towards him.

So, having been through a couple weeks of confusion and desperation, I have finally taken that step towards the mountain.  My hands have gripped the rocks and my feet have dug in.  I haven't made it to the top just yet but I am well on my way.  It will be hard and I will have to fight through the pain and the enemy's voice just to hear God's whisper.......but I will make it to the top. 

Being in the valley is hard.  It is scary and sometimes a lonely place.  But it is there that we learn faith.  It is there that we lean on God's understanding and not our own.

He never said it would be easy......he merely said it would be worth it.

Down with the sickness.....

Father's Day is this week-end.  I didn't really think much of it until this morning when I woke up.  This will be the 19th Father's Day that my dad hasn't been here for me to give him some cruddy key chain or a hammer.

Last year I had a "falling out" with my mom.  I won't really go into details because that is undignified.  However, I hadn't talked to her in almost a year.  That is forever with me and her.  I always made a point to see her every other month or so.  I didn't even see her on Christmas last year and the last time I didn't see her on Christmas, I was 18 and in jail.

To be honest, I thought I was okay with it.  I figured she hurt me and I deserved to be angry.  Isn't that always how it is?  We feel we have the RIGHT to be angry based on how others treat us.  However, the past few months, it gnawed inside me.  Finally, I took the step and contacted her and met her and her husband for lunch.  While it was awkward at first, we soon got over the tenseness in the air and were chatting and laughing like nothing ever happened.

Sometimes we must take the step to right what is wrong.  We have no RIGHT to remain angry no matter what anyone does to us.  If that were the case, Jesus has the ultimate reason to hold a grudge.  No, instead, He gives us a warning in Matthew.

Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Forgiveness feels good. It lifts a weight off our shoulders.  Not only that, but instead of being angry or saying venomous statements about my mom or the situation, my children saw me step up and do the right thing.  They saw me swallow my anger and reach out when I should have had every "right" to be angry.  That is a valuable lesson I could never teach them with words; they had to learn it with actions.

So what does this have to do with Father's Day? 

As I thought more and more about my mom, I knew I had to make right what was wrong between us.  I knew that if something (God forbid) had happened to my mom while we were still in this immature game of not speaking to one another, I would live with an insatiable regret.

I speak all the time on how I wish I had one more day - one more hour - with my dad.  Even though we weren't the best of friends.....even though our relationship was strained.....even though fond childhood memories of he and I are non-existent......I still wish I had a moment with him.  What would I say?  How would I act? 


Why do we wait until someone passes to say "what if" or "I wish"?  Don't wait.  Forgive often, love much and smile infectiously.  Don't look back with regret with what you can change today.  It isn't too late to mend the relationships that are broken.  Now, I understand that as you read this, you may be thinking of someone that brings up angry feelings at this very moment.  Perhaps someone did something that is truly unforgivable in your eyes or something so atrocious that you can never trust them again.


Forgiveness is not trust.  You have to protect yourself and your family.  Forgiveness means I no longer hold this transgression against you.  It doesn't mean we will be as we once were but it does mean that we can move past this and I can be a better person because of it. 


If you are still thinking - "There is no way.  My heart is too hard.  The emotion is too raw."  Just remember.....

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)


So dad, I wish you were here this Father's Day.  Despite the anger and hostility we had towards one another, I now know that it was teenage angst that created the anger I had inside of me.  The bitterness you had was due to being ill and not being the man you imagined yourself to be because of it.  As an adult, I understand and I forgive.  My heart swells with pride when I speak of you.  You are the best man I have ever known and none will compare.  


Thinking of you, Dad, makes me long for heaven that much more.  

My handsome dad, about 6 years before I was born

My dad (and mom) about a year before he passed

Friday's aren't what they used to be....

As I sit here on Friday night, I reflect on past Fridays.  I seem to do it every week, for some unknown reason.  

Fridays used to involve drinking myself into a slobbering oblivion.  Not that I am proud of such moments; they are what they are. 

Drinking was a week-end thing with me ever since I was 18.  I would count down the days until Friday so I could go out and party for the week-end.  It usually involved me drinking so much that I was miserable the next day therefore I would stay holed up in my room.  Alcohol was my week-end companion.

I was quite the drinker.  I can remember always having someone buy me vodka and as soon as it was handed to me, I would twist off the cap and drink it.  We used to have drinking competitions and rarely did I lose.  My drink of choice - whiskey, but in reality, anything would do.

This continued for many years.  I always say I am lucky to be alive.  There were many times I didn't remember the happenings of the night before.  There were times I would wake up, lying in my own vomit.  There were times that I can remember bits and pieces of the night and I thank God that I don't remember the rest.  I did drugs along with drinking.  I didn't ask questions....if you handed me something, I would take it without thinking of the consequences.  When Matt and I got together, he joined me in the week-end excursions but sometimes didn't drink.  So he would get angry with me and we would have knock out, drag out fights.  We broke up many, many times. 


I even went to church drunk on a couple occasions.  I would walk in there and act like I had it all together when in reality I reeked of alcohol and looked worse for wear.

In 2005, that all changed.  When I accepted Christ, while down on my knees, I thought that the road of drugs and alcohol would be a hard one to trek.  However, it was the opposite.  God completely wiped the desire. 

Shortly after we accepted Christ, we went on a cruise.  While there, I figured I would grab a drink from the club.  I took two sips and couldn't stomach it any longer.  I haven't touched any alcohol since and that was 7 years ago.

I can't say it was entirely easy but it was a choice.  I chose to cut ties with my friends that wanted to party every week-end.  I chose to stay away from places where I could easily obtain an alcoholic drink.  After awhile, it never crossed my mind to drink.  Now, I can hang out with others while they drink and not have an issue.

Now, I am not saying drinking is a horrible sin.  The bible does speak about drinking and says that we should not drink to get drunk.  It also says that we should always be of sound mind.....and once we take one drink of alcohol, it starts to impair our judgment.  I am saying, for me, it is an issue on several levels.  First, I couldn't drink just one.  I never "socially" drank.  I drank to get drunk, otherwise what is the point?  Secondly, I am a youth pastor and a member of our church.  I cannot be seen drinking when I teach sobriety.  Third, and lastly, it just isn't something that I think would please God.  I can't go back to my old ways and say that I am a changed person.

So if you, or someone you know, is struggling....know that they CAN change.  Don't loose hope or give up.  When I gave up drinking, no one believed me.  They tempted me and tried to trip me up.  They kept inviting me and after awhile they stopped because my answer was always the same.  I had to give up close friends and had to go a different path than everyone I knew.  

I remember one evening at Applebee's Matt looked at the alcohol menu and said "Do you ever have the urge to just have one?"  My reply, "Nope, never."  Matt, "Wow, really?  I am surprised."   Even he was surprised at how God had changed me.

So, as I sit here on a Friday night - I am drinking my flavored water, sitting in my PJ's and working on Vacation Bible School stuff.  Yea, it isn't all that exciting to some.  However, for me....it is a perfect Friday evening.

Friday's aren't what they used to be.  And I am okay with that.