I have been in the valley for quite some time now.
These past few weeks have been something less than desirable for me - emotionally and spiritually. I have felt like I was digging myself into a hole that just kept getting deeper and deeper, and I feared that it would go so deep that the light would be swallowed by the darkness. While I know that the enemy uses our emotions to get us into a state of desperation, sometimes I can't seem to pull myself from it.
As a youth pastor and in leadership, it is hard to express my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I have to have a persona that I have it all together; that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. That isn't true. There are times I want to throw in the towel, there are times I fear I can't handle it any more and there are times that I feel like God is so far from my reach that He has forgotten about me altogether. Crazy, right? No, not really. I am a youth pastor, a leader - but I am still human. Sometimes I think we put pastors of the church and those in spiritual leadership up on a pedestal and we forget that they struggle too. So when they admit to having doubts or admit that life isn't as grand as they make it appear - then people start casting judgment and ridicule, questioning their leader's faith and relationship with God. In my opinion, that's not fair.
So, the past couple weeks have taken it's toll on me. I have had my doubts about a lot of things. I have weighed many options. I was in a pit of despair so deep that the thought of hitting my knees and crying out to God seemed preposterous and in my heart, I didn't want to do it.
*Gasp*!
I know, right? You would think when I am in such a 'funk', that hitting my knees and reaching out to God would be the logical choice. And while that is true, in my heart, I didn't feel like it. I am sure we have all been there. You just want to sit and fester in the misery and then wonder why you can't shake it. All the while, God is letting out a heavy sigh, letting you cry on His shoulder and saying to Himself - 'Just cry out to me and I will help you'. Our own stubbornness overtakes the logical at times.
So I have been in a valley. A valley is the area between two mountains. Very little sun hits it and it is a cool, dark place about 80 percent of the time. That is where I was. I was trudging the valley, trying to shake the thoughts I was having and just couldn't do it. The valley was a downhill slope and a slippery one at that. I could see the mountain and I wanted desperately to be at the peak, basking in the sun (Son) but I just couldn't......perhaps a better choice of words is wouldn't.....
So I continued to trudge, growing colder by the hour and seeing the mountains looming over me as if taunting me with their golden peaks. I could reach out and touch them but in my valley of despair, I felt like I was undeserving.
It is in those valleys that I learn a lot about myself and a lot about God. When you get to a point that there seems to be no hope, that everything is going wrong and you cannot focus on the positive because the negative seems so overwhelming.....it is there that God speaks out in a whisper. It is there that you have to listen closely and reach out to touch the hem of His cloak because if you don't, He will pass by and you will fall to your face knowing you should have tried harder.
In the Gospels, Jesus was passing by a large crowd when a woman who had been bleeding many, many years (12) sees him. She fights through the crowd. At this point, Jesus had quite the following. Everywhere he went people bombarded him, wanting to see him and touch him and beg him for a miracle. That is why we read Jesus going out on a boat or going off alone quite often. He did it to have his alone time with his Father and to get away from the hordes of people.
So you can imagine the crowd that was pushing and shoving just go get a glimpse of this miracle worker. So this woman knew if she just got close enough, if she just reached out and touched the hem of his garment she would be healed. She had to push and fight through the crowd. She probably got hit, stepped on, pushed and called a few choice names. However, she continued through the pain and fought through the people. She didn't just sit on the sidelines and wait for Jesus and hoped she could catch him on the fly.....no, she pressed in and was determined to not let her moment pass her by.
She finally broke through and her hand reached out and grabbed a hold of Jesus' hem. It was then that Jesus stopped and called out. He knew someone had touched him and he knew it was the woman. However, he asked who had touched him. He didn't ask because he didn't know....he asked so the woman would come forward and admit openly that she had been the one. That she was in such desperation that she fought through the pain and knew if she just reached out to Jesus, touching him would give her the hope she needed. Slowly, she stepped forward and admitted it was she. And Jesus, lovingly, said her faith had made her well. (Mark 5:25-34)
When we get in a place of desperation, we have to reach out. We have to fight through the pain and reach out to Jesus. Even when it looks like all is against us, we have to have the faith that if we just reach out to him, he will be there to help us through it. We can't just wait on him to pass by and hope that we can get a glimpse and that will be enough....no, we have to fight and press in towards him.
So, having been through a couple weeks of confusion and desperation, I have finally taken that step towards the mountain. My hands have gripped the rocks and my feet have dug in. I haven't made it to the top just yet but I am well on my way. It will be hard and I will have to fight through the pain and the enemy's voice just to hear God's whisper.......but I will make it to the top.
Being in the valley is hard. It is scary and sometimes a lonely place. But it is there that we learn faith. It is there that we lean on God's understanding and not our own.
He never said it would be easy......he merely said it would be worth it.
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