Mourning the Past; Anticipating the Future

Christmas has come and gone.  The day after always seems as though it never even happened.  Anyone else feel that way?

My Christmas season has been an emotional roller coaster and admittedly not been easy.  I have been thinking a lot about my dad, my kids and my lack of relationship within my family unit.  It has just put me in a funk that I couldn't seem to dig out of. 

My anniversary rolled around and while I expected the typical card and flowers that Matt generally buys me for our yearly day, I was pleasantly surprised by his well thought out choice of expressing his love.  I awoke to a card that started me on an adventure of sorts.  The card led me to a clue which, in turn, led me to others - 13 in all.  Each clue led me to a location in our home that represented different moments in our lives.  He shared with me memories of our lives together, expressions of love and words of encouragement.  It is okay, you can insert a vocal "awww" here.  Anyway, through tears I realized that life isn't over.  That even though I am an emotion wreck due to creeping up on a milestone age and many changes happening in the next couple years (graduations, colleges, etc), I am not alone.   I realized that in the past 16 years, Matt has sat on the side lines waiting patiently for his turn.  He has watched me devote all my attention to the kids, live my life for them...that his turn to get my attention and for us to develop who we are as a couple is coming. 

I have raised kids since I was 19 years old.  I fear that once they are gone, I will be alone and not know what to do with myself.  My identity is wrapped up in them.  However, Matt giving me that treasure hunt of love and memories, broke something inside me that made me realize I can be sad and miss the days of the kids being dependent on me, I can be fearful for what the future brings and I can feel a sense of mourning for the past....but my future is bright and exciting because I get to do it alongside my best friend.

So, while I got a short punch in the gut this Christmas by words said, or lack thereof, it was a good Christmas.  My brother and his family came over the Sunday prior and we had dinner and gifts and just an over all good time.  My daughter's boyfriend joined us which was new to us but overall it felt like just another one of the family horsing around downstairs.

Then Christmas Eve we, as a family, went to the movies (Madea's Christmas - hilarious) then came home and made home made pizzas.  Once they were done, we watched Christmas movies, ate pizza and the kids were out by 1am.  Even though they are 16 and 18, I still sneak around and fill their stockings so they are ready when they get up. Silly, I know.  They have never believed in Santa Clause and therefore know it is me but it is still fun to sneak around. 

Then Christmas morning hit and gifts were opened, messes were made and hearts were filled with warmth.  Some things never change, no matter how old your kids are.

I love my kids with everything inside me.  I am their number one fan.  I am excited to see which paths they will take in the next few years and while it makes me sad to think that one day I will wake up with the realization that my house is empty.....I hope that they desire to come home often.

A little late but Merry Christmas!  May God bless each of you that read this over and abundantly!

The treasure hunt letters Matt left me for our anniversary.

Our home made Christmas Eve pizzas

Matt and I on Christmas Eve

Christmas Morning

I Am Such A Girl

I am not an emotional person - or I didn't use to be.  However, here lately I have been a ball of emotions that seems to be rolling out of control.  It is a little ridiculous.

I am unsure why.  I mean, there are reasons but I am not quite sure why they are suffocating me all at once. 

One thing is my dad.  It is no surprise that I miss him terribly.  His birthday is in two days and he would have been 77.   He has been gone over 20 years and sometimes it feels so fresh in my heart that the mourning starts again.  I know, without a doubt, I will see him again when this life is over but it doesn't console the pain I have now.  I am not sure if it is because the holidays are approaching and Christmas was his favorite.  Whatever the reason, the pain sometimes overwhelms me like a tidal wave.  I have two audio recordings of him.  That is it other than pictures.  It never fails that tears fall when I listen to them.  I suppose that is a natural response and when people lose loved ones, I want to tell them that it gets easier....and in some ways it does.  But I also want to tell them that there are some days where you will miss them so terribly you would give anything to just see their face again.  I unashamedly admit there are many times I plead with God to just send him in a dream for me.  While I know once people pass, they know nothing of this world but a memory brought to life in my dreams makes the pain a little more bearable. 

Secondly - my kids.  I am not handling them growing up and it has hit me full force this year.  My son is graduating this coming spring and I just ordered his cap and gown and thinking about his open house.  I am an emotional wreck.  I adore that kid more than any words I could type here.  He and I have been through a lot together. It hurts me deeper than any hurt to think of him going on to college and creating a life for himself and him not being here.  I know, being a parent, we raise them and let them go but no one told me it would be this hard.  I had my kids at a young age and always said I couldn't wait until I had my freedom back.  Now I just want them to stay with me forever. 

I see pictures of my daughter as a little girl and I cry.  I know, it is ridiculous but I miss that little cute girl that crawled up in my lap every chance she got.  I miss her tiny voice asking her dad to play with her.  I miss both my kids calling me "mommy".  It has gotten so bad that Matt and I contemplated having another one.  It was so bad that the thought of NOT having one was utterly devastating to me.  We have went through the process to take the steps but have continually backed out.   I am not sure why the decision to have another is so hard....fear is the main reason.  There are a lot of things to consider and being fearful overwhelms us.  That and it wouldn't be fair to our older kids.  We want them to succeed and we want to help them achieve their goals and with a new baby, that would be so hard.  Not to mention being in the ministry would no longer be an option....and I am not sure I am okay with that. Therefore, we opted not to.  I can't say I am 100% happy about it.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of a child sometimes. 

I cry, a lot.  I try not to let anyone see me.  I do it when I am alone and my thoughts consume me.  I am not depressed, not suicidal, not in a funk....I am just sad.  Is it a mid-life crisis thing?  Is it just my thoughts consuming me?  I am not sure.  What I do know is that I am tired of feeling this way.  I am trying to enjoy the season I am in and not live as though I am in another.  I need to enjoy the moments, take hold of the opportunities and press forward. 

So, it has been a rough year.  My emotions have been on the crazy train and I think it is time I get off of it. 

Love isn't easy...but it's worth it.

One week from today is Matt and my anniversary.  16 years, can ya believe it?   In an age where divorce is on the rise and a society where marriage is not held in high regards, we made it 16 years.  Crazy.

Like so many relationships, ours was destined to fail right out of the gate.  We didn't get together based on love or attraction - it was merely out of need.

I was married at the time and had a one year old son.  He was at the sitters and a bunch of us got together to go to a local festival.  Matt was part of that group and I asked someone who he was because I had seen him around and once they told me, I remembered.  I had went to school with him. Although he was a grade younger than I was and I had never spoken a word to him, I knew who he was.  I didn't give it another thought.

Once we got back to the apartment where we all planned to continue the festivities, my husband at the time created a situation.  I won't go into details but it wasn't good.  We were in the other room and with it being a small apartment, every uttered word could be heard.  He made threats before storming out of the bedroom and I stayed in there, composing myself because even though this was a common occurrence, it didn't make it any less embarrassing.  It was after a few moments that I realized it was quiet.  I slowly exited the bedroom to see that all my "friends" had scattered and went outside when they heard the commotion coming from the other room.

All but one.  

Matt was sitting in a chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.  After I came out and stood there awkwardly, he raised his head and asked "Are you okay?"  After I assured him I was, he said he wasn't going to leave me there.  It was that night we talked until the sun came up.  It was that night that my friend took him to the side and asked if he liked me.  He told her he had but I was married and he wasn't going to step into that.  She assured him that I was waiting for the opportunity to leave and that the marriage was just a piece of paper - and she spoke the truth.  It was that night he kissed me.  I was shocked when it happened.  It was quick and awkward.  I sat there, unmoving, shocked and freaked out. 

But as I said, it was doomed to fail.  I wanted out of my marriage because of the abuse, I had nowhere to go, I had a one year old son and had my back against the wall.  I needed a place to stay.  When Matt said he had an apartment and wanted me to live with him.  I quickly agreed.  It meant I could get out of where I was and not have to go home.  Not to mention Matt had just gotten out of jail and had the hook up for drugs.  He was my supplier and I got it all for free.  I admit - I used him.  He knows this.

After being together for a few months, I finally got a divorce and he mentioned marriage.  I was never going to marry again.  We found out we were pregnant and lived in fear of telling our families.  Once we did, marriage became the topic often.  I refused, he wanted to, his family was pushing it.....finally in 1997 we married.  I agreed just to shut everyone up.  Why in December?  It was before tax season and we did it so I could be on his taxes.  Glamorous, right?

It was hard.  There was a time when Cheyenne was 4 and Caleb was 6 that we were done.  We couldn't do it anymore.  He packed up and was going to leave and I wanted him to.  We mentioned it before but this time it was a reality.  However, to this day I couldn't tell you how we reconciled or what changed. 

Marriage is hard.  We have fought a lot.  I wish I could say it was the drugs and alcohol.  I didn't stop using until after I found Christ in 2005.  I wish I could blame that but I can't.  We have fought since then.  We have had some dooseys; I would be lying if I said otherwise.  But we have always reconciled.  We have realized we are different and that is okay.  It works.  I think, too often, people get married for the wrong reasons (been there) and are quick to get married because it seems glamorous.  It isn't.  Marriage is hard, it is messy and the biggest hurting my heart has ever felt is during harsh words from a dispute with Matt.  The key, in my opinion, is once you get married - there is no out.  There is no option for divorce.  I tell Matt frequently that he is stuck with me forever. 

It seems people are rushing to get married, especially young people.  I am unsure the reasoning but WAIT.  If you are in a relationship, marriage can wait.  Get to know the person....get to know EVERYTHING.  Make sure you can wake up to that person every single day for the rest of your life.  Make sure that your first marriage is your only marriage.  It is so cliche, I know.... but live life. 

Marriage is an awesome thing but it is a very sacred thing that God ordains between a man and a woman.  Hold it sacred too.

So, with that being said - here are a few things I love about Matt.  Be prepared for sappy cuteness.....

1. I love his smile
2. I love when he winks at me across a crowded room
3. I love that he supports every endeavor I take on
4. I love how he will do whatever in his power just to make me happy
5. I love that every time he goes somewhere, before he comes home he asks if I need anything
6. I love how he loves on my animals even though he says he hates them
7. I love how hard he works 
8. I love how he tries to surprise me with things and fails miserably because I always seem to find out
9. I love that we can talk about God in one breath and zombies in another
10. I love when he watches a movie and there is a fight scene, he presses his lips and jerks his body with each punch
11. I love how he lets me lay on him when we watch a movie
12. I love the way he looks at me - like I am the most beautiful woman in the world
13. I love when he calls me cute (not hot, sexy, etc)
14. I love how he has always treated Caleb like he was his own
15. I love how he will do whatever he can to make the kids happy
16. I love how he loves my family like his own
17. I love when I am sick and he thinks I am sleeping, he places his hand on my forehead
18. I love when he holds my hand in public
19. I love how he is like a furnace and when I am cold, he will cuddle with me to keep me warm
20. I love that we can be stupid together
21. I love that he is still a gentleman and holds doors and helps me when I struggle
22. I love that I can tell him absolutely anything
23. I love how he loves God more than me
24. I love how he is the one that likes to shop
25. I love when he preaches/teaches, there is no one better in my opinion.

I could continue on and on.  We have our hiccups.  We have are disagreements, our fights and spats.  However, those things do not change the love I have for him.  There are days I think I am so undeserving of him.  There are days that I just steal glances at him because my heart threatens to explode from the love that dwells inside for him. 

I love you, Matt.  I pray many, many more years together!!!