I am not an emotional person - or I didn't use to be. However, here lately I have been a ball of emotions that seems to be rolling out of control. It is a little ridiculous.
I am unsure why. I mean, there are reasons but I am not quite sure why they are suffocating me all at once.
One thing is my dad. It is no surprise that I miss him terribly. His birthday is in two days and he would have been 77. He has been gone over 20 years and sometimes it feels so fresh in my heart that the mourning starts again. I know, without a doubt, I will see him again when this life is over but it doesn't console the pain I have now. I am not sure if it is because the holidays are approaching and Christmas was his favorite. Whatever the reason, the pain sometimes overwhelms me like a tidal wave. I have two audio recordings of him. That is it other than pictures. It never fails that tears fall when I listen to them. I suppose that is a natural response and when people lose loved ones, I want to tell them that it gets easier....and in some ways it does. But I also want to tell them that there are some days where you will miss them so terribly you would give anything to just see their face again. I unashamedly admit there are many times I plead with God to just send him in a dream for me. While I know once people pass, they know nothing of this world but a memory brought to life in my dreams makes the pain a little more bearable.
Secondly - my kids. I am not handling them growing up and it has hit me full force this year. My son is graduating this coming spring and I just ordered his cap and gown and thinking about his open house. I am an emotional wreck. I adore that kid more than any words I could type here. He and I have been through a lot together. It hurts me deeper than any hurt to think of him going on to college and creating a life for himself and him not being here. I know, being a parent, we raise them and let them go but no one told me it would be this hard. I had my kids at a young age and always said I couldn't wait until I had my freedom back. Now I just want them to stay with me forever.
I see pictures of my daughter as a little girl and I cry. I know, it is ridiculous but I miss that little cute girl that crawled up in my lap every chance she got. I miss her tiny voice asking her dad to play with her. I miss both my kids calling me "mommy". It has gotten so bad that Matt and I contemplated having another one. It was so bad that the thought of NOT having one was utterly devastating to me. We have went through the process to take the steps but have continually backed out. I am not sure why the decision to have another is so hard....fear is the main reason. There are a lot of things to consider and being fearful overwhelms us. That and it wouldn't be fair to our older kids. We want them to succeed and we want to help them achieve their goals and with a new baby, that would be so hard. Not to mention being in the ministry would no longer be an option....and I am not sure I am okay with that. Therefore, we opted not to. I can't say I am 100% happy about it. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a child sometimes.
I cry, a lot. I try not to let anyone see me. I do it when I am alone and my thoughts consume me. I am not depressed, not suicidal, not in a funk....I am just sad. Is it a mid-life crisis thing? Is it just my thoughts consuming me? I am not sure. What I do know is that I am tired of feeling this way. I am trying to enjoy the season I am in and not live as though I am in another. I need to enjoy the moments, take hold of the opportunities and press forward.
So, it has been a rough year. My emotions have been on the crazy train and I think it is time I get off of it.
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