This is me....nothing more, nothing less: Mourning the Past; Anticipating the Future

Christmas has come and gone. The day after always seems as though it never even happened. Anyone else feel that way?

My Christmas season has been an emotional roller coaster and admittedly not been easy. I have been thinking a lot about my dad, my kids and my lack of relationship within my family unit. It has just put me in a funk that I couldn't seem to dig out of.

My anniversary rolled around and while I expected the typical card and flowers that Matt generally buys me for our yearly day, I was pleasantly surprised by his well thought out choice of expressing his love. I awoke to a card that started me on an adventure of sorts. The card led me to a clue which, in turn, led me to others - 13 in all. Each clue led me to a location in our home that represented different moments in our lives. He shared with me memories of our lives together, expressions of love and words of encouragement. It is okay, you can insert a vocal "awww" here. Anyway, through tears I realized that life isn't over. That even though I am an emotion wreck due to creeping up on a milestone age and many changes happening in the next couple years (graduations, colleges, etc), I am not alone. I realized that in the past 16 years, Matt has sat on the side lines waiting patiently for his turn. He has watched me devote all my attention to the kids, live my life for them...that his turn to get my attention and for us to develop who we are as a couple is coming.

I have raised kids since I was 19 years old. I fear that once they are gone, I will be alone and not know what to do with myself. My identity is wrapped up in them. However, Matt giving me that treasure hunt of love and memories, broke something inside me that made me realize I can be sad and miss the days of the kids being dependent on me, I can be fearful for what the future brings and I can feel a sense of mourning for the past....but my future is bright and exciting because I get to do it alongside my best friend.

So, while I got a short punch in the gut this Christmas by words said, or lack thereof, it was a good Christmas. My brother and his family came over the Sunday prior and we had dinner and gifts and just an over all good time. My daughter's boyfriend joined us which was new to us but overall it felt like just another one of the family horsing around downstairs.

Then Christmas Eve we, as a family, went to the movies (Madea's Christmas - hilarious) then came home and made home made pizzas. Once they were done, we watched Christmas movies, ate pizza and the kids were out by 1am. Even though they are 16 and 18, I still sneak around and fill their stockings so they are ready when they get up. Silly, I know. They have never believed in Santa Clause and therefore know it is me but it is still fun to sneak around.

Then Christmas morning hit and gifts were opened, messes were made and hearts were filled with warmth. Some things never change, no matter how old your kids are.

I love my kids with everything inside me. I am their number one fan. I am excited to see which paths they will take in the next few years and while it makes me sad to think that one day I will wake up with the realization that my house is empty.....I hope that they desire to come home often.

A little late but Merry Christmas! May God bless each of you that read this over and abundantly!