Love isn't easy...but it's worth it.

One week from today is Matt and my anniversary.  16 years, can ya believe it?   In an age where divorce is on the rise and a society where marriage is not held in high regards, we made it 16 years.  Crazy.

Like so many relationships, ours was destined to fail right out of the gate.  We didn't get together based on love or attraction - it was merely out of need.

I was married at the time and had a one year old son.  He was at the sitters and a bunch of us got together to go to a local festival.  Matt was part of that group and I asked someone who he was because I had seen him around and once they told me, I remembered.  I had went to school with him. Although he was a grade younger than I was and I had never spoken a word to him, I knew who he was.  I didn't give it another thought.

Once we got back to the apartment where we all planned to continue the festivities, my husband at the time created a situation.  I won't go into details but it wasn't good.  We were in the other room and with it being a small apartment, every uttered word could be heard.  He made threats before storming out of the bedroom and I stayed in there, composing myself because even though this was a common occurrence, it didn't make it any less embarrassing.  It was after a few moments that I realized it was quiet.  I slowly exited the bedroom to see that all my "friends" had scattered and went outside when they heard the commotion coming from the other room.

All but one.  

Matt was sitting in a chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.  After I came out and stood there awkwardly, he raised his head and asked "Are you okay?"  After I assured him I was, he said he wasn't going to leave me there.  It was that night we talked until the sun came up.  It was that night that my friend took him to the side and asked if he liked me.  He told her he had but I was married and he wasn't going to step into that.  She assured him that I was waiting for the opportunity to leave and that the marriage was just a piece of paper - and she spoke the truth.  It was that night he kissed me.  I was shocked when it happened.  It was quick and awkward.  I sat there, unmoving, shocked and freaked out. 

But as I said, it was doomed to fail.  I wanted out of my marriage because of the abuse, I had nowhere to go, I had a one year old son and had my back against the wall.  I needed a place to stay.  When Matt said he had an apartment and wanted me to live with him.  I quickly agreed.  It meant I could get out of where I was and not have to go home.  Not to mention Matt had just gotten out of jail and had the hook up for drugs.  He was my supplier and I got it all for free.  I admit - I used him.  He knows this.

After being together for a few months, I finally got a divorce and he mentioned marriage.  I was never going to marry again.  We found out we were pregnant and lived in fear of telling our families.  Once we did, marriage became the topic often.  I refused, he wanted to, his family was pushing it.....finally in 1997 we married.  I agreed just to shut everyone up.  Why in December?  It was before tax season and we did it so I could be on his taxes.  Glamorous, right?

It was hard.  There was a time when Cheyenne was 4 and Caleb was 6 that we were done.  We couldn't do it anymore.  He packed up and was going to leave and I wanted him to.  We mentioned it before but this time it was a reality.  However, to this day I couldn't tell you how we reconciled or what changed. 

Marriage is hard.  We have fought a lot.  I wish I could say it was the drugs and alcohol.  I didn't stop using until after I found Christ in 2005.  I wish I could blame that but I can't.  We have fought since then.  We have had some dooseys; I would be lying if I said otherwise.  But we have always reconciled.  We have realized we are different and that is okay.  It works.  I think, too often, people get married for the wrong reasons (been there) and are quick to get married because it seems glamorous.  It isn't.  Marriage is hard, it is messy and the biggest hurting my heart has ever felt is during harsh words from a dispute with Matt.  The key, in my opinion, is once you get married - there is no out.  There is no option for divorce.  I tell Matt frequently that he is stuck with me forever. 

It seems people are rushing to get married, especially young people.  I am unsure the reasoning but WAIT.  If you are in a relationship, marriage can wait.  Get to know the person....get to know EVERYTHING.  Make sure you can wake up to that person every single day for the rest of your life.  Make sure that your first marriage is your only marriage.  It is so cliche, I know.... but live life. 

Marriage is an awesome thing but it is a very sacred thing that God ordains between a man and a woman.  Hold it sacred too.

So, with that being said - here are a few things I love about Matt.  Be prepared for sappy cuteness.....

1. I love his smile
2. I love when he winks at me across a crowded room
3. I love that he supports every endeavor I take on
4. I love how he will do whatever in his power just to make me happy
5. I love that every time he goes somewhere, before he comes home he asks if I need anything
6. I love how he loves on my animals even though he says he hates them
7. I love how hard he works 
8. I love how he tries to surprise me with things and fails miserably because I always seem to find out
9. I love that we can talk about God in one breath and zombies in another
10. I love when he watches a movie and there is a fight scene, he presses his lips and jerks his body with each punch
11. I love how he lets me lay on him when we watch a movie
12. I love the way he looks at me - like I am the most beautiful woman in the world
13. I love when he calls me cute (not hot, sexy, etc)
14. I love how he has always treated Caleb like he was his own
15. I love how he will do whatever he can to make the kids happy
16. I love how he loves my family like his own
17. I love when I am sick and he thinks I am sleeping, he places his hand on my forehead
18. I love when he holds my hand in public
19. I love how he is like a furnace and when I am cold, he will cuddle with me to keep me warm
20. I love that we can be stupid together
21. I love that he is still a gentleman and holds doors and helps me when I struggle
22. I love that I can tell him absolutely anything
23. I love how he loves God more than me
24. I love how he is the one that likes to shop
25. I love when he preaches/teaches, there is no one better in my opinion.

I could continue on and on.  We have our hiccups.  We have are disagreements, our fights and spats.  However, those things do not change the love I have for him.  There are days I think I am so undeserving of him.  There are days that I just steal glances at him because my heart threatens to explode from the love that dwells inside for him. 

I love you, Matt.  I pray many, many more years together!!!