Sorrow takes vacations but never truly leaves....

I have been thinking about my dad lately, a lot. I am unsure if it is because of the holidays, because his birthday is Sunday, or just because I miss him, truly miss him.  Regardless of the reasoning, my heart aches.  I have very few pictures of him and I find myself staring at them for quite a long time.  Soaking in every detail as my soul longs for his wisdom.

So, this blog may seem depressing to read but to me it is necessary.

I am the youngest of 5 and I was told I was my dad's buddy.  I would work outside with him, I would sit with him and watch TV and every night I would fall asleep in his arms.  I remember none of that.  Isn't it funny how negative influences cast the positive ones out to sea?

I am unsure when all that changed.  I cannot pinpoint an exact time but I would say it was when I was around the age of 11.  My dad was an avid smoker and when he was 50, he awoke one winter morning unable to catch his breath.  He couldn't draw a breath no matter how hard he struggled.  An ambulance ride later, he was in the ER getting operated on.  Both his lungs had collapsed.  They opened him up, scraped his lungs and took out a large chunk of them.  He returned home numerous days later only to have them collapse again a week after his arrival home.  More surgeries and scraping and he was home again.  He quit smoking right then and there.

From that point on, I never remembered my dad 'well'.  He was always ill.  He took various medications, always had pneumonia or bronchitis and couldn't go out in extreme cold or heat.  He withdrew and we grew apart.  I went from being his little sidekick to being a stranger in his home. 

The distance continued to grow to the point that we barely spoke to one another.  He kept a tight hold on me and I wasn't allowed to do much of anything.  I couldn't go to friends' homes, I couldn't have friends over and I was never allowed to use the phone.  I couldn't watch any movies over PG and the TV was his domain.  If he was up, it was his.  No questions, no compromise.

However, I never saw him and my mother argue...never saw them fight.  He rarely raised his voice and was soft spoken.  He was very, VERY smart.  We would watch Jeopardy and he rarely didn't know an answer.  He read constantly and could read at an alarming speed.  He would read dozens of books a week.  He was a phenomenal author.  He wrote a column for a nearby town's newspaper.  He wrote short stories for a Kentucky magazine and a Florida school did a 6 week study on the book of short stories my dad published.  He loved God and was obsessed with end of times prophecy.  He was a great man, although I would never have said that back then.  Back then, I despised him.  However, back then I didn't understand the pain he was going through due to illness or the stress he was going through not having money to provide for his family.  I get it now....

The summer of '92 things went from bad to worse.  My dad wasn't feeling well at all and soon his stomach swelled to the size of a 6 month pregnant woman.  Something wasn't right.  In December of the same year, he went in to the doctor to discover the cause of the swelling was blockage.  However, when they went in to rectify it, it was worse - much worse. 
The doctor came in while my mom and my brothers waited for dad to get out of recovery and my mom knew the moment they stepped into the room that the news was as she feared.  Cancer.  The doctor proceeded to tell my mom the clinical information but she merely kept repeating the same sentence - "How long does he have."  Finally after the third time insisting, the doctor gave us an answer we were not prepared for - 2 months, at most. 

My dad came home and had given up.  There was no fight left in him.  He was bed-ridden and details as to his condition are not important.  My mom didn't want to leave him alone, however with her working 3-11's and me in school...she didn't have a choice but to leave him alone for an hour until I got home. 

Every day at school, as I watched the clock, I would wonder if I was going to go home to find my dad gone.  Thankfully, that was not the case.  I would get home and tend to his needs.  Milkshakes were his favorite so I would make them whenever he asked for them.  I would clean up after him.  Unfortunately, while this should build a bond stronger with most, to me I despised him even more.  Now, he only talked to me to ask me what I wanted of his when he was gone.  He only spoke to me to tell me how worthless I was or how stupid I could be.  He only made eye contact with me to make me well aware that I would never amount to anything.  Yeah, I did what I had to then basically lived in my bedroom.

He did radiation and chemo.  I had made the statement - it is good his hair isn't falling out.  In return he replied - "That only happens when the medicine works." 

My mom.  Wow.  She is pretty amazing.  She was a nurse's aide by profession but to take care of her husband with such unconditional love was amazing.  She loved him and he loved her.  I have no doubt. 

It was a Sunday, February 21st....a day shy of being 2 months from when he was diagnosed.  We weren't a family that went to church on Sunday.  However, I believe my dad was a Christian now that I look back on it.  Yes, he was mean and bitter towards the end but he was sick and dying.  That can make anyone mean and bitter, I think.

Anyway, mom and I ran to do some quick shopping.  She would take me occasionally to give me a break from the Lysol smelling house (to this day, I cannot stand the smell of Lysol).  We stopped by and bought dad a strawberry milkshake - his favorite.  We got home around lunch and gave dad his shake but he didn't touch it.  He hadn't eaten in weeks and so we pushed milkshakes and protein drinks but now those were left untouched.  Mom reluctantly left for work. 

My mom had given me a tiny black and white TV for my room and I can remember watching Wayne's World on TV and my little dog at the time (a yorkie named Barko) kept coming to my door and I would open it and he would run down the hallway to the living room where dad's bed was and look back at me.  I would ignore him and shut the door.  I turned the TV up because my dad was throwing up so much and violently that I tried to drown him out.  My dog kept coming to my door, scratching and then run down the hall as if to say - follow me.  I didn't. Instead, I scolded the dog and told him to get away. 

My dad then started to yell for my mom.  I went down the hallway and asked him what he wanted and he talked gibberish.  He was making no distinct words, only sounds.  I ignored it and went back to my room. He yelled again for my mom.  Angrily I stomped down the hallway and asked what he wanted.  Again, no coherent reply.  A second time, I went back to my room, determined to just let him yell until he passed out.  He started to yell for my mom over and over and then started to hit the wall with his fist.  Finally, I was at my boiling point.  I stormed down the hallway and went to the kitchen right on the edge of where the tile met the carpet.  "WHAT?!"  I yelled only to have him say something about the nurse and his medicine.  "No, dad...you go to the doctor tomorrow.  It's Sunday."  I replied in a tone as if I were talking impatiently to a toddler.  "I want Rita Faye."  He said in a voice that made my heart drop.  Something was not right.

I grabbed the phone and pulled it as far as the cord would allow into the hallway and called my mom.  I told her he was scary me and wanted her.  She said she would be right there.  The next few moments I will never forget......

I went back to my bedroom, shut the door and turned the TV up a little more.  Mom was coming.  Everything was going to be okay. She would handle him, he would go to the doctor tomorrow and I would go to school.  I heard mom come in and I snuggled down in my bed, watching the final few moments of my movie.  I then heard my mom wail - a sound like no other I had ever heard.  I bolted upright and stared at my closed door.  I knew what was on the other side.  I knew what to expect without even stepping past the threshold.  I opened the door and ran down the hallway.

My mom was holding my dad's body, cradled in her arms.  She demanded he let her change his shirt and take him to the hospital.  In his sweet, soft tone he merely said - "No, no hospitals."  Mom yelled at me to call my cousin who lived nearby but my mind went blank. I shook violently as my eyes fixed on the scene before me.  She screamed at me and I snapped out of it, grabbed the phone and couldn't remember the number.  Mom yelled the number and I called and told her it's bad.  She told me she would be there and was calling the ambulance and my brothers.  Mom yelled that my brothers needed to hurry. 

I watched as my mom held my dad.  She didn't shed much tears but firmly said, "You don't leave me, Bob.  You hear me.  Do not leave me.  You can't leave me here alone."  I was suddenly overcome with emotions that I had no idea how to handle.  I felt as if I was rooted to the floor and my eyes unable to pull away.  As my mom held my dad to her chest, she began to recite the Lord's Prayer over and over again.  I took a few steps closer and she laid him back on his pillow....he rolled his head and lifted his eyes up to me and a smile lifted on the corners of his mouth.  He then turned his head and looked at my mom - his wife of over 30 years.  He then lifted his eyes to the picture of Jesus hanging above his bed and a wider smile danced on his lips as he took one huge inhale.....and was gone.   The rest is a blur of emotions and heartache.  I was 17 years old and my dad was 56 years old.

When loved ones pass away, I hear many people say how they wished they could have been there.  My brothers arrived moments after the ambulance pulled away and they even said they wished they had been sooner.

No. You. Don't.

We sit around and remember dad, 18 years later and they have such good memories of when he was well and full of life.  I remember him deteriorating into a shell of a man and him lying lifeless on the bed.

Is this a dramatic blog.  Yes.  Is it depressing. Sure.  Did I make it through without crying?  Not a chance.

But I miss him - a lot.  I find it interesting that when I went back and proof-read what I had just typed and when I had gotten to the part of the event of the evening, I went from past tense verb usage to present tense.  As if it was happening now and not then.  I fixed it to past tense but it goes to prove the pain is still real.  The wound is still open and the memory still fresh.

I miss the smell of coffee and Renegade (his chewing tobacco).  I miss him standing on the porch and throwing the baseball back and forth with me.  I miss hearing the typewriter clack clack clack in his small tiny office.  I miss how when I belched at the table, he would get disgusted and throw his fork down and say "for the love of Pete" so I would do it just to irritate him.  I miss how he said "dad-burn-it" when he got irritated.  I miss how he would sit and talk for hours with my older brother and his wife.  I miss how he loved egg sandwiches.  I love how on Christmas, he acted like a kid again.  And yes, I even miss watching him wring chickens necks and try to chase the flopping chicken around the yard. 

He was smart, fearless (he would grab snakes and crack them like a whip to kill them), inquisitive ("Dad, there are these crazy looking birds in the woods!"  "Well let's see what they are."  *grabs gun* "BOOM!"), soft spoken, loved God and loved his family and friends, would help out anyone who asked (he had a blind friend that always wanted him to cut his hair and he grumbled the whole time before he showed up, then did it without a word of complaint)......

I don't have many pictures of him, but the ones I do have sometimes I find myself staring at them for quite some time, trying to absorb every detail.  I listen to the tiny snippet of audio I have over and over again.  And when I fear I have lost all memory of him, God sends him to me in a dream and it is as if he never left.

18 years later and the hurt is still there.  There is still sorrow and there is still sadness in my heart.  I wish I had listened to him more.  I wish I held onto his wisdom and respected his authority.  I wish he was here to have a relationship with my kids.  He would have loved Cheyenne and her quirkiness.  And Caleb and he would have been buddies, I am positive of that - they are a lot alike.  I wish he was around to meet Matt.  I know he and Matt would have gotten along quite well - both like to talk religion and theologies and both have the same soft spirit. 

When people lose someone, I never tell them it gets easier.  There are times it is easier....then there are times you just miss them and relive the sorrow all over again.  As much as it pains me, it is not over.  I will see him again.  He will be whole and healthy and I will run into heaven and say "DAD! (not sure if I will call him that in heaven but for now, we will go with it).....I made it!"  And he would smile and say "I knew you would."

Look at that handsome devil....my dad with my oldest brother and sister

My dad and me....I think this is the only picture I have of me and him

My dad and mom - I love, LOVE this picture

My dad and my niece....Dad loved Christmas best of all

Exactly 2 weeks from today I will have been married to my best friend for 14 years.

Wow.

14....

Time has flown by.

I cannot imagine my life with any other person than Matt.  Our beginning was a sketchy one.  In all honesty, he had just gotten out of jail and I was trying to get out of an ugly relationship.  It was doomed to fail.

It was in 1996, Caleb was almost a year old and Cheyenne wasn't even a thought.  Even though I had a baby, I hadn't sowed my wild oats, in my opinion.  I was stupid, naive and had no connection with God - nor wanted one.  Therefore, I did as I pleased and let others take care of my son while I partied.  It was a Saturday night and a bunch of us had went to a festival in a small town near where we lived.  Matt was one that was invited along.  I never looked twice at him really.  In fact, I had a strong distaste for him.  He had a cocky attitude, gave off an air of arrogance and was involved in gang activity.  Nope, couldn't stand the guy.

Fast forward and we all are "socializing" back at a friend's apartment (aka getting wasted) and my current husband decided to attack me and threaten my life.  I was fearful and cowered against the bedroom wall when I realized it had grown quiet in the other room where the festivities were in full swing.  He continued to bully me and details are not important however, once he had finished, he left me to my own demise as thoughts of what he was going to do danced in my head. 

After several moments of not hearing a peep come from the other room, I tentatively stepped out of the bedroom to see the party had decided to leave once they heard my husband at the time throw his fit.  It was common that he would do this and they all would just leave - not wanting to get involved in my beating I suppose.   However, there was one still there....one guy sitting in the kitchen chair with his elbows on his knees.  He asked me if I was alright.  I merely nodded.  He noticed me looking around the room and the look of abandonment cloud my face.  He merely shook his head, disapproval clearly evident on his features.  He didn't have to say a word but by his posture I knew he wasn't going to leave me alone.  We talked and he never brought up the subject of what just happened, knowing it was embarrassing for me and not any of his business.  Eventually all my "friends" had filtered back in and Matt looked at me and said - "He isn't going to bother you again if I have anything to do with it."

That moment was the beginning of it all.  We had a rough start.  Drugs and alcohol were are constant companion.  Yes, I divorced my husband and he tried a few times to puff his chest out around me but Matt was sure to set him straight.  True to his word - he never bothered me again. 

I would say the first 7 years were rough.  We fought a lot.  We bickered.  We even came close to divorcing.  We nit-picked.  We screamed, yelled, broke things and cried.  Amidst it all, he never laid a hand on me.  I had kicked him in the head, threw things at him, slapped him....and he never raised a finger to me.  I think I pushed him and wanted him to hit me just so I could say he was like all the rest.  I couldn't trust him in my mind. But he wasn't like all the rest.  Even though we had a rough beginning, he always had such a gentle spirit. 

In 2005, we both accepted Christ.  Matt had a tugging on him for a few years and constantly asked me to go to church and I refused, angrily.  He would never go but he often asked me or suggested we go.  Church, to me, was associated with negative emotions.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  However, God had other plans.  It is amazing looking back at how God had his hand in every aspect of my life. I should be dead.  But God's gracious hand was upon me.  I wish I could post my testimony on here in its entirety but I feel that now is not the time for it.  Let me just say - God is amazing.  Period.  God had it pre-destined that Matt and I would be together.  As I look back, Matt and I went to school for a brief time together.  We were even in a class together for a year and never said one word to one another.  Isn't God such a jokester?  *grin*

Now, I look at him and sometimes my heart cannot contain my adoration for him.  It is about to get mushy real quick.  So if mushy-lovey stuff makes you vomit a little - scroll to the end.

Matt is an amazing man.  He works 7 days a week (do the math, no days off) and still makes time for me and the kids.  He makes time for his ministry.  He has huge goals and dreams that I have no doubt he will succeed at.  He is a man of integrity.  He treats women like they should be treated.  He is a gentleman.  He is slow to anger.  He is loyal and loving.  He is passionate in what he believes in.  He loves me despite my flaws and I am a better person just knowing him.  He never intentionally hurts anyone's feelings and he loves God more than me. 

So Matt, if you are reading this, I want to say I love you.  I love the way you laugh at your own jokes when no one else does.  I love how you pet and kiss the cat and when I call you out you act like you didn't.  I love that you work so hard even when you are so tired.  I love that you love my son as if he were your own.  I love how you do your best to make your daughter happy.  I love how angry you get when someone says something (or treats) hateful about me or the kids.  I love how you let me lay on you when I am sick.  I love that when I don't feel well and you think I am sleeping, you place your hand on my forehead.  I love that even though you despise tattoos, you pay for them for me because you know I love them.  I love how when you get your food first, you wait until I have mine before you start eating.  I love how you always ask if I need anything while you are out.  I love how you dance around the store and sing to music when you are overly tired (haha).  I love how you respect women.  I love how you always hold the door for me.  I love how you act like a 5 year old whenever you see a crane machine.  I love how you wink at me across a crowded room.  I love how you carry all the groceries in for me.  I love how protective you are of me.  I love how you support me in everything I do.  I love how you help me with VBS even though you hate it (haha).  I love how you try to push me into being more than I think I am.  I love how you can make me feel beautiful when I feel less than worthy. 

I love you and I love who I am when I am with you.

So, now that I have made this blog disgustingly sweet.  I just want to end with saying that God knew what he was doing when he brought me you.  We make a good team.  I cannot wait to see where time leads us.  It's going to be a great adventure....and it's merely just begun....

I love you, love monkey.  ;-)

We are two halves of the same person.

VBS! 

Give thanks to the Lord....His love endures forever.

It is that time of year again.  Time for turkey and dressing, ham and potatoes, pies and cakes - a time to gorge ourselves and sit around in a euphoric state of food unconsciousness.  Yes, it's Thanksgiving.

Putting aside the historic reasons why we celebrate this holiday, today is a day of togetherness and food.  It is a time where counting our blessings are heightened and we reminisce on the past year and are hopeful for the year to come,

So, as the day has just started for me, I sit here with the Macy's parade on the television and think of how blessed I truly am.  Now, I do not just wait for this day to sit and count on my hands what good things I am thankful for.  I thank God daily for the good things he has bestowed on me.  However, in light of the holiday, I wanted to blog on how good my Heavenly Daddy truly is.

First, I am thankful for God, for real.  Without Him, nothing else matters.  My life before I discovered Christ was empty, void, hurtful and full of torment.  Now it is full of unspeakable happiness.   Not saying it is all puppies and rainbows, but when it gets rough I can lean on Him instead of trying to lean on my own.  Pretty amazing, right?  So yes, God is first and foremost. 

Next, my husband, Matt.  We had such a rough start when we first got together.  Each using one another and not thinking it would last past the first year.  Now, 15 years later - we will be celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary next month.  There are days I look at him and love everything about it.  My heart swells with affection.  Then there are days I wish he would just fall in a hole for a few hours - haha.  But I am thankful for his quirks that annoy me, I am thankful he loves me more than I deserve.  I am thankful he works hard hours (7 days a week/365) for us.   I am thankful he loves God more than he loves me.  I am thankful he is a good dad to not only our daughter but to my son.  I am thankful he still holds true to the values of a gentleman.  I am thankful he is my husband.  I am truly blessed.

Next, I am thankful for my kids.  They are pretty amazing.  My son, being the first born, is a pretty cool teenager.  I am thankful he is such a sweet spirit.  I am thankful he has a big heart.  I am thankful he is a good looking kid and smart and funny.  I am thankful he still loves and respects me and Matt.  I am thankful he loves God.  I am thankful that despite the hardships he had to endure at a young age, he is a good kid and is going to be a great man in a few years.  I am thankful God has trusted me with such an amazing young man.  My daughter, I am thankful she is her own person.  I am thankful she is adorable and smart.  I am thankful she is quirky and funny.  I am thankful that she doesn't care what others think, she is her own person not wanting to fit the mold of society.   I am thankful she loves God and isn't afraid to share her faith.  I am thankful that God has given her me.  

I am thankful for my biological family.  We have been through some unreal moments but through it all we have persevered.  While we don't see each other as much as most families do, it is comforting to know that if I ever need to call on them, they would be there - no questions asked.   I am thankful that I have a strong mom that taught me to stand my ground and not take crap from anyone.  She taught me to stand by my convictions and hold fast to my values.  She is the strongest mom I know.  I am thankful to God for the knowledge that my dad is in heaven and I will see him again.   My dad loved Thanksgiving - so he is on my mind today more than other days.  It isn't a saddened thought (though those creep in here and there) but it is memories of adoration.  He was a great guy and I am thankful that I was allowed to have him for 17 years of my life.  

I am thankful for my church family.  I love those people as if I were born into them.  They love me and my family immensely.  I never knew I could love others unconditionally  These people have been there through the highs and lows of the past few years of my life.  They have helped when they saw the need and they have been there when I needed to just vent.  They are special people and they hold a large part of my heart.  I am so thankful God drew me to them.

I am thankful for my youth group.  I am humble that God would allow me and Matt to be in these kids' lives at a time when they are the most impressionable.  I am humble that God entrusts me with such a big responsibility.  I never knew I could love other people's kids like I do them.  I share in their joys and their failures.  I laugh when them, have cried with them and have gotten frustrated with them.  I have poured out and exhausted myself to mentor them.  I take my position seriously and pray daily that I do it in a way that is pleasing to God.

So love your family today.  Put aside differences.  Laugh much.  Eat a lot.  Soak in the holiday love....and don't get killed if you go out tomorrow for Black Friday (you are all crazy!).

What if you had awakened this morning with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Army buddies to share the trenches with.....



I obviously didn't realize we were taking pictures or else I would have looked more presentable - haha!


Matt and I are in a discipleship program called "The Cadre" with world known coaching leader, Jeanne Mayo (affectionately known as "mom").  This week was our first retreat to meet with the other youth pastors in the program.  Many have asked how it was and many want to know details so this blog could be lengthy.  However, no matter how much I describe nothing can really put it into words.

We flew down there on Sunday which we are not avid fliers.  This was only our second time flying and it had been ten years prior.  Even though I hate flying and think it is the most unnatural thing in the world....it was okay.  It blows my mind how something that takes ten hours to drive only took one hour to fly.  It also amazes me how so many people put their trust in a tin can and two pilots but find it hard to put their trust in God.  But, that's a different topic altogether.

Once we landed, we had two young ladies from Jeanne's Master Commission greet us with warm smiles and friendly demeanor.  They took us to the hotel and we had some down time.  There was a set up meeting for dinner for anyone wanting to hang out and get to know one another and quite frankly we didn't want to go.  Matt had only had one hour of sleep and I was tired but we knew we would miss some important socialization if we didn't go.  Therefore we went.  We are glad we did.  We went to this little deli and many other Cadre were there and bonds were already forming.  For someone like me, a quiet observer, it was a little intimidating.  For Matt, he was in his element - chatting to whomever would listen.  It didn't take long for people to bond with each other and share one another's stories.  Not to mention I had a baked potato the size of a gopher.  The sucker was huge.




Yeah, I didn't finish it all.



The next day, we were picked up for out first day at Jeanne's house at 8:30am (don't they know we are in youth ministry?!  We don't function until noon! haha).  It was exciting because we had no idea what to expect but we knew it was going to be good.  We got the red carpet treatment - literally. The red carpet was rolled out and we were cheered for and greeted with smiles.  Given a gift bag of goodies, we met Jeannie and her amazing husband, Sam and were directed to a smorgasbord of delicacies for the morning.  As we mingled and the noise became a low roar of chatter and laughter, we then settled down for instruction. The day consisted of Iron Groups (small groups where we discussed what we heard that day and shared our hearts), amazing food, inspiring words from Jeanne, great prayer and breaking of bread and the fellowship was unreal.  Life-long bonds were built that day.

After getting back to the hotel around 11pm and crashing, sleep wasn't the easiest to come by but soon 8:00 am came and we were off for day 2.  I was sick this day, go figure....but I wasn't going to let it stop my from experiencing all I could.

Again, gifts were lavished upon us and we got to hear Jeanne's heart as well as get into our Iron Groups (whom we have an email for so we can encourage one another).  After lunch and fellowship, we got to go on a field trip that was only entitled "Dream".  No one knew where we were going but knew it was 3.5 hours long.  I whispered to Matt - "Martin Luther King?"  I was not prepared for the effect the next few hours would have on my spirit.

Now, this part and most of the Cadre is suppose to be a secret because they have a second one in a few weeks.  So never fear Jeanne and Cadre Axiom!  This blog is private and only my friends can read it! 

We were dropped off at an old firehouse that was an historical site.  And went upstairs to see an older gentleman sitting behind a podium. As we sat down and he was introduced, he slowly took his place with cane in hand and began to speak.  His words completely pulled me into his world.  He spoke of how he has been a Reverend for 61 years - 61 years!  While that is impressive, what he began to unravel before us was a story of sacrifice and determination.  He is the oldest living black man that marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  He was part of the movement that changed history.  Now, I know who MLK is, of course.  But I never really gave it much thought because I only thought it effected the black community (yes, that is a close minded statement, but it is truly how I felt).  After hearing this man tell his tale and hearing of the death and torment that people had to go through because of the color of their skin was heart-wrenching.  To hear this man tell of the 'washcloth, toothbrush and dime' and to tell of how when he kissed his children and wife good-bye it could have been the last time.  To hear the tremble in his voice and see the anguish in his face as he relived those moments many years ago.  To say Reverend Williams rocked my world - that's an understatement.

After that we went to the MKL museum and reading and watching the news clips was just blowing my mind.  Now, you may be wondering why on earth we went there.  Well, MLK had a dream from the age of 6.  He had a vision, a goal, to change the world for not just the black community but for humanity in general.  Therefore, we got to ponder it all and write down 3 goals for our personal life and our ministry - achievable goals.  If one little boy can have a vision to change the world, then so can I.  We were given a memento of the "I Have a Dream" speech with a tag that said Galatians 6:9 - I love this verse.  If any of you know me, it is my signature for my phone and has been for awhile now.  It gives me hope.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

The plaque for The Eternal Flame

Eternal Flame by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's memorial site.

Where Dr. King and his wife rests.

So on the way back, the bus was buzzing with chatter and what we returned to was mind-blowing.  Jeanne is full of surprises.  That lady knows how to throw a party!  Her entire living room was decorated and set up like a banquet hall.  Everyone in white shirt, black pant attire and the tables beautifully decorated.  It was utterly breath-taking.  The meal was great, the fellowship greater.  The room was so loud with conversation it was like a roaring waterfall.  It was great.

Just a glimpse of her living room from where I was seated during the dinner.

As we were there for the 2 days, we didn't lift a finger.  Her master's commission kids were there to get our drinks, take our plates, make sure our drinks were always full, to talk to us when it seemed we were sitting alone.  I like to be alone sometimes and just people watch - I couldn't do that here.  As soon as I separated myself from the group, kids found me and demanded my attention.  haha.

One thing I came away with was the reminder how awesome our youth group is.  I heard from several people how their youth group won't interact with them (our youth won't leave us alone!), how most in their youth group won't speak up (ours won't be quiet!), how small groups work great (ours is a small group and I cannot imagine splitting them up into separate groups!), how they never get along (ours are each other's friends not just inside the walls but outside as well), how they are never appreciated (we have no doubt of the appreciation our group has for us), no one supports them (we have an amazing church that stands behind all we do), the pastor has no involvement (our pastor loves our group and encourages everything we do)......I am not saying our youth group is PERFECT but I have to say it is pretty amazing and unique.  I cannot wait to experience more of the Cadre to implement even more of what I have learned.  Matt and I are already jotting ideas down to start implementing at the first of the year - to make a great youth group even better!

Have you seen a better group?  I think not!  :-)

So to those that have supported us thus far in our adventure - THANK YOU!  You have made it possible for Matt and I to do this together, not for our own agenda but for the youth of the area and in turn, for the church.  Again, thank you.  This year will forever change us and our ministry for the better. 

The scariest thing is reality...

It's that time of year again.

I love this time of year.  The colors are changing, there is a crispness in the air and there is just a sense of change.  It is also the season of caramel apples, hayrides, bonfires and haunted houses - Halloween.

I used to look forward to Halloween years ago, before I found Christ.  It was a time to whip out my make-up and woochies (latex prosthetics) and see how gruesome and demonic I can make myself.  To give you an idea of my life before Christ some of the things I dressed up as was - Reagen from the Exorcist and Matt dressed up as the priest, another year I wore a noose with a carved in "x" on my forehead with a shirt that read "God's busy, can I help you?" with a picture of the devil, one year Matt went as the devil....well, you get the idea.

Then as Halloween approached the year I got saved, I was conflicted.  It always meant something evil for me.  I had dabbled in black magick and yes, they do hold 'all hallows eve' in high regards like Christians do with Christmas.  However, I thought we are given such a tool to minister because this is the only time of the year that the world comes to us!

So the year we were saved, a local church hosted "Final Exit".  It was a 'haunted house' that took you through the life of a teenager starting with her death and how she ended up in the casket.  It showed how Satan and demonic forces had their hands in every aspect of her life. It was so phenomenal we went numerous times and they finally said we didn't have to pay the $8 admission any more - "Just keep bringing people", they said.  We wanted everyone to experience this.  Then at the end you witnessed hell, Jesus crucified then people are there praying for you.  It is a scare the 'hell out of you' experience, literally.

So I began to think how Halloween can be an asset to the Christian community. 

A lot of Christians frown on this day.  They say it is 'the devil's day' or that it is evil.  While Halloween does originate from pagan and Celtic cultures (as does Christmas and Easter, but no one frowns on the warm fuzzies those give us), it has never been a 'devil's day'.  It isn't like Satan is sitting back and waiting for October 31st to unleash his wrath on humanity - he has done that since the Garden of Eden.  So as the Christian community we want to shut our lights off and pretend to not be home as people come to our doors looking for a goody treat.  They come to....OUR DOOR.  Do you see the opportunity we have to minister?

In Psalms it says "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  It doesn't say yesterday, tomorrow, Easter, Christmas, Halloween....it says THIS is the day.....we should wake up and say THIS is the day, everyday!  Why do we want to give the devil more than he deserves?  Why do we just hand over a day and say "here ya go, it's your day."?  The devil doesn't own ANY days......they are all a gift from God.

The Bible says we are to be the light to a dark world.  So then why do we shut off our lights and cower in our homes afraid someone is going to ring our doorbell expecting candy?  Why aren't we turning on all our lights, getting the best candy, printing out some tracts about our church and our God and sitting on our steps with a smile and a hand-out?   Why aren't we being a light on a day that the world has perverted???  Why are we hiding when the world needs us the most?

Our church has been doing our annual "Fear Factory and Maze of Darkness" this week. Wednesday was youth night and we had well over 100 youths and adults go through our production in a 3 hour time frame.  We had 45 salvations.  Did you hear me....45 new souls are going to celebrate heaven with us.  Yesterday we had 26 salvations and we anticipate even more tonight and tomorrow. 

There have been some controversy about what we do.  They say we are celebrating an evil holiday and we are running a haunted house.  Yet, those people are the ones that won't even come check it out before making their assumptions.  Ours is NOT a haunted house.  Will you get scared?  Oh most definitely.  First you enter an over 1200 square foot maze that is complete darkness - representing your life without Christ, walking in darkness.  Then you enter our Fear Factory where you are submerged into an interactive experience of a post-rapture world.  In other words, you get to witness our interpretation of a world after Christ has come and raptured his church. Everything is taken directly from scripture and we even give educational material showing where it can be found.  We are ministering to a world in a way they relate to.  It is Halloween...they want to be scared.  We scare them, however we do it in a way that shakes them up and makes them think about their relationship with Jesus Christ.  Is it radical?  Perhaps.  Although, some of us need a radical shake-up to realize that we need Christ.  I know I did.

Do I judge or condemn those that choose to not participate in Halloween activities?  Absolutely not.  However, do not judge me because I do.

Two nights left -tonight and tomorrow.  First Assembly of God, Rensselaer Indiana, $6 to go through both (this is not a fundraising event!  all proceeds go into next year's production!).  Let us scare the hell right out of you - literally.

And you, my blog readers, get a sneak peak of one of our first pictures from the inside of Fear Factory!  Yes, it is me because it is my blog after all. haha!  Let's just say many come into the Fear Factory laughing and joking to mask their nervousness but when they get to where our station is - there is no more laughter, only fear.

I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years.

Revelation 20:4

Don't put God in a box....

This past week-end I was in Alabama with our student ministry group.  We went there for the first time last year and it was mind-blowing.  Therefore, we decided to make it a yearly trip.  It is a youth gathering at a place called The Ramp which is part of Karen Wheaton's ministry.

I am going to be honest, which is what a blog is for I suppose....by the time the trip rolled around, I was sick of hearing about The Ramp.  I kept hearing about it from the youth (because they were anticipating a move of God like last time), I was hearing about it from some adults (because three of our youth are now students at the Ramp School of Ministry) and I was getting reports from the students that were there.  Now, don't think I am a hater - on the contrary.  However, I was getting such an irritation in my belly like a splinter that just wouldn't come out.  It was getting more and more bothersome.

Therefore, I wasn't very excited for the trip. 

*gasp*

It's true. 

I wasn't irritated because everyone was excited or that I was hearing about it so much.  I believe in what the Ramp is doing (so much so that we have partnered with them), I believe God is moving in the miraculous there and I believe the students that are going to school there will return not the same. 

I was irritated because it seemed like no one believed that God could move here like He moves there.

Preposterous!

Don't get me wrong, my time there was awesome.  The speakers really hit home with their points and I caught myself nodding my head so much that I probably looked like a bobble head.  The worship was powerful and I was getting Holy Ghost bumps (goosebumps) the moment I stepped foot in there.  Not to mention the miraculous did happen when a paraplegic stood from his wheelchair and danced to the King of Kings.  Still, there was that needling that was just pressing into my skin.

God is not reserved for Hamilton, Alabama.  He is not just spreading out his spirit there.  He is the same here as He is there.  So why is the spirit so thick there?  Why is it so thick that it hangs on you like a robe? 

Expectation.

We go there with the expectation that God is going to meet us.  We go there knowing we are with other believers that are also expecting a move of God.  We are going there knowing we won't settle for anything less than meeting God face to face. 

Isn't that how every Sunday should be?  Perhaps if we went to church with that same excitement and expectation then we will have the same move of God.  God delights in His people.  He wants to just envelope them and wrap them in His glory.  But if we are going to church on Sunday just to go through the motions and to not feel guilty.....then how can we expect Him to shower down all He has for us?  That is kind of selfish, dontcha think?

I will be married 14 years this December to a man that sometimes I think my heart will burst with how much I adore him.  If I only met with him once a week, maybe even twice....if I never hugged him or showed him affection....if when I was with him I thought about what I needed to do for the day or what I was going to eat for lunch....if I only sat next to him and held his hand so I didn't feel guilty about ignoring him the rest of the week......I couldn't say we would be married for 14 years.  That relationship would not last.  Therefore, how can we expect our relationship with God to flourish if we do not express our love to Him by talking to Him daily, praying, worshipping, crying, laughing and just loving Him?  Not because we feel we have to...but because we want to.  If we are made after God's own image and we long for companionship (hello....God created Eve because Adam would not do well being alone), then doesn't He long for companionship as well - with us?

He is the creator of the heavens and the earth.  He tells the ocean how far to go....he tells the lightning where to strike....he can make cancer disappear as if it never were just by saying so.  And yet we feel He only deserves an hour or two a week?

Expectation.

Go to church with an expectation.  Go with the mindset that you are going to God's house to spend time with him.  You are going there with other believers to give him the worship He deserves.  If that means you jump around, laugh, cry...run around, do a cartwheel.....then do it!  You are there to please an audience of One and He delights in your worship.

I can imagine God and Jesus hanging out in heaven.  The doors of the church are open, the worship team is getting ready, I am making my way to the front to give Him all the glory and I can see God nudging Jesus and saying - "Here she comes.  Everyone quiet.  I am about to spend some time with my daughter."

Do I suggest going to The Ramp?  I do.  I highly suggest anyone go there because you will get a touch from God and I guarantee you won't come back the same.  It is radical worship and God *is* moving in phenomenal ways there.  However, once you go and come back and then continue witho not get caught up in the fireworks.  Do not get caught up in the show---wait for the encore, it is usually the best anyway.

It's not just church....

Growing up, I didn't go to church regularly.  When I did, I went to a small southern baptist church that was right down the road and ironically enough - owned by my grandfather until he passed away when I was six.  I would get up and go with my grandmother to church and honestly, I don't even know why.  It wasn't fun in the least.  Sunday School was drab and quite frankly a little creepy in the back of the building.  The music was out of a hymn book (and I still enjoy a good ole hymn) and the preachers would get so riled up that you had to take an umbrella to avoid the spit (ok maybe not but you knew it was going to get intense if the preacher pulled out his handkerchief!).   Every Sunday we were told that at any moment we could walk out those doors, get hit by a truck and go to hell.  I am not poking fun - I am being quite truthful. 

So, I say again - I am not sure why I even went.  But over time, I stopped going.  I can't remember the exact age or why.  I just stopped.  I started to veer down an ugly path and it boils down to mistakes were made and my path ended at a fork in the road on March 2005 - the day I began my relationship with Christ.

Now this isn't a blog about my testimony.  I rarely share that in writing and usually like to save it for speaking engagements because there is so much to tell.  This is a blog about church.

I hear the common statement - one doesn't have to go to church to be a Christian or go to heaven.  I believe this to be a true statement.  My dad never went to church but I have no doubt that he was a God-fearing man and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he will be part of my welcoming party in heaven (and yes, we will be partying it up with Jesus).  However, I do believe we need church.

Church, to me, is not a building where we go and sing a few songs and hear the Word.  That is only part of the grand scheme of things.  Church to me is family.  I walk into that building and feel a love that is so strong that I never thought such a love existed.  It's a place where I am always welcomed, never judged and always corrected when I 'think' I am in the right.  It is a place where people come together and meet needs of those struggling.  It's a place where I can vent my frustrations, my pains, my sorrow, my joy .... or just cry and get angry.  It is a place where I have many brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers.  It is the place where THE Father walks among us.  Why would I not want to go?

Lately, this has been on my mind - a lot.  The people inside that church love me like Christ would.  They are non-judgemental of my past.  They don't question my motives.  They know my heart.  They trust my choices.  They listen to my fears.  The heed my advice.  They hug me even though I don't like hugs (I am getting better at it!) and they know when I am in a mood that only God can elevate.  They do this all unconditionally.  They do it only because we share the same God.  We may not be family by birth but we are family by blood - His blood on Calvary!

So as I lie in bed on a Sunday morning, not wanting to even pry the blankets off me, thinking that this is the day I will just stay home and do nothing......I slowly get up, knowing that church is the place where I get to fellowship with my family.  If I am not going to church on a Sunday, or if I claim I don't need to go to church - then what am I doing in place of it?  Nothing.

In closing, I wanted to post a few scriptures.  Now keep in mind, none of them say "you must go to church to go to heaven"....for it states the only way to heaven is through the Son.  However....

Hebrews 10:25 (NIV) states - "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Here is states we should meet together.  No, it doesn't say in a church.  So you can validate your point if you say you are meeting at your home with other believers so you can encourage and help one another.  It also states 'habit of doing' which means it was something that they normally did.

1 Corinthians 12:27 (NIV) states - "Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it."

I like this one.  It states in other verses throughout the Bible about us being part of the body.  It means we each are vital in the functioning of the body as a whole.  Can a body function without a leg or an ear?  Of course, but it cannot function as well as if it were whole and the other parts have to work harder to compensate.  We are all the body of Christ, each with our own abilities and gifts.  When we come together we join those abilities and gifts and create an awesome atmosphere.

Lastly, Luke 4:16 (NIV) states - "He [Jesus] went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom."

Here is states that Jesus went to the synagogue (an assembly or congregation of Jews for the purpose of religious worship) as "was his custom".  If we are to be Christ-like...then it should be our 'custom' to go assemble and pray.

This is a standing debate.  Some think church is hypocritical, full of laws and rules, a circus, etc.....I think of church as something that is necessary to sustain me.  Just like all families, we have quarrels and disagreements.  But unlike most families, we still love one another and are quick to forgive.

I love my church and all who attend.  Every Sunday is like a family reunion where all of the Father's children gather under one roof to show Him how much they love Him.  Why would I want to miss that?

A rising epedemic

Bullying.

As a youth pastor, I hear this time and time again.  I remember school.  Sure, I remember getting picked on.  However, the extent now compared to then is appalling.  A few slanderous words, maybe even a shoulder check in the hallway is about all I had to fear in school.  Then, after a few days, it was over and we moved on.

Not so any more.  Bullying has come to name-calling, shoving, ganging up on others, pitting others against each other, cyber-bullying, lies, anger. And telling the bullied child to "ignore it, it will go away" is no longer an option.  The bully-er continues relentlessly.

And quite frankly, I am getting sick of it.

Before I move on, let's look at some statistics and information I have pulled from the internet.....

What is bullying?

"A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."

This definition includes three important components:

1. Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions.
2. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time.
3. Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

Types of bullying...

1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting
4. Bullying through lies and false rumors
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully
7. Racial bullying
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)

Impact of bullying...

Students deserve to feel safe at school. But when they experience bullying, these types of effects can last long into their future:

• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Health problems
• Poor grades
• Suicidal thoughts

BULLYING IS A SERIOUS ISSUE!

• Statistics show that 23 percent of students in grades 4-6 had been bullied "several times" or more; 20 percent had bullied others
• Statistics show that 17 percent of students in grades 6-10 reported having been bullied "sometimes" or more, with 8 percent being bullied once a week. 19 percent said they had been a bully to others "sometimes" or more.

I have read countless articles and have watched numerous news reports on how children have commited suicide due to bullying, even cyber bullying.  I have read reports of children as young as 11 have committed suicide due to this....11!   And yet we look the other way?

Schools have 'anti-bullying' programs in place.  These are ineffective.  The child being bullied is fearful to go report an incident for fear of further bullying...and they say "the school won't do anything but sit us down and talk".   They have boxes so students can report the incidents anonymously.  And yet the punishment?  Sit down and discuss it.

I know of numerous incidents that I have been made aware of where teachers were present as a child was being bullied.  I also know of an incident where parents partook in the name-calling and bullying (and this was to a 6th grader).  So you tell me.....where does it stop?!   A child feels that death is better than living in a bullied environment.  And 90% of bullying occurs in the place we send our children to better themselves - SCHOOL.

This topic has completely infuriated me.  I am wanting to get inside the schools and spread the love of Jesus.  The schools today are nothing like the schools I went to back in the 90's.  Why?  What has gone wrong?  Does it boil down to the parents?  I think this generation is so out of control that the parents just as soon look the other way than to put their foot down and say - enough!  There is no respect for authority and that sort of value starts in the home.

As I see children dread going to school because of what a pit of vipers it has become, I sit and think how God has to turn this around.  Wouldn't it be phenomenal if we start hearing how the Holy Spirit takes over and school is in utter chaos because kids are praying over one another and the sick are being healed and the love of Jesus is being proclaimed!?  That's the kind of phone call I want to get.  That is the kind of news report I want to see.  I want a phone call saying I need to come pick up my daughter because she is standing on the table proclaiming JESUS SAVES - not because she is being bullied to the point she has made herself sick.

God has laid the schools on my heart lately.  Not just because of the bullying, though that has a large part to do with it, but because God has been so stripped of the schools that it is no longer valued.

Revival.  It has to start somewhere.....why not here?

**information taken from - http://www.olweus.org/public/bullying.page**

A mother's love.....

My kids started school today.  They are both now high schoolers!  *gasp*  My daughter started her freshman year and my son his sophomore year.  Where does the time go?  I tend to say that a lot lately.

As a mother, I can remember every detail of their birth and the majority of every moment from then til now.  I can remember, even though both were C-Sections, Caleb's was a breeze and Chey's was a nightmare.  I look back now and think that their personalities totally match how they came into the world.  Caleb is a pretty laid back kid that keeps to himself while Cheyenne is an anxious one that is a social butterfly.  Both my children are as different as night and day.

Now as I look at them, I could not be more proud.  Caleb is 16 and a great young man.  He is good looking, pleasant to be around, talented, loyal to those he lets into his life, passionate about what he enjoys, loves God and rarely has a bad word to say about anyone.  Considering the past he has had to endure, he is a good kid.

Cheyenne is 14 and such a great personality!  She is cute as a button, marches to the beat of her own drum, opinionated  funny, talented, loves God and has a heart to help those hurting.  She has come a long way and am proud of who she has become.

I am not saying my kids are perfect by any means.  They are kids so they tend to spout off at the mouth, throw fits, whine and sometimes make me want to gouge my eyes out with a hot poker.  However, that being said, I hear what other kids are up to or the problems I hear other kids facing (I hear a lot of horror stories since I am a youth pastor) and I thank God how awesome my kids are.

I expect them to make mistakes but I am quick to forgive.  I lavish them with gifts even if they don't deserve it.  I praise them for a job well done and scold them for a job less than desirable.  I expect them to give their best in all they do and if they fail doing so...that's okay because you can't condemn someone for failing if they tried as hard as they could.

Wow.  Sounds a lot like our Heavenly Father.  He hopes for the best in us but He expects us to make mistakes and is quick to forgive.  He lavishes His children with gifts even when they aren't deserving sometimes.  He praises us for a job well done and expects us to learn from a job done less than perfect.  He expects our best but accepts us at our worst.

All because He loves us.

So yes, I am bragging on my amazing kids.  If you don't like it, then you aren't a parent. I loved them the moment I found out they were in my belly.  It is crazy how you can love someone you have never met.  They say a man becomes a father when he holds the baby for the first time.....a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant.  This is so true.

So to my kids, you are growing up so fast.  I want you to stay with me forever (and I sometimes think you will, haha) but I know that you will grow up, move on and have families of your own.  But know this......you will never get rid of me.

I love you both more than my heart can contain.  Have a great first day of school!

Cheyenne and Caleb [then], ages 2 and 4

Cheyenne and Caleb [now], ages 14 and 16

I am here by His grace....

Another birthday.

It seems the older I get, the quicker time goes.  I don't get excited for birthdays.  To me, it is just another day...another year older, perhaps another year wiser.  I don't mind saying my age - tomorrow, the 10th, I will be 36.  Wow.  Even though I don't mind saying it, it still blows my mind that I am that old. I don't feel that old and I certainly don't act my age!  HaHa!

As I look back on my life, I am amazed I am where I am today.  All I can say to that is God is good!  I have come from a checkered past, not as bad as some but worse than many.  I have dealt with everything from sexual molestation to drug abuse to the occult with a few tidbits in between.  I am lucky I am even alive.  Did I mention that God is good?  I did?  Good.  I may mention that point a few more times.....

If I had sat in front of this computer 10 years ago, I would never have posted how awesome God was or how much I loved my family or how I am happy with my life.  No, that was a time where darkness overcame joy.  Happiness was something I experienced rarely and was often replaced with a seething anger.  I could blog my testimony, which would be lengthy and quite shocking.  However, I won't due to the fact that it will be impossible to leave out points that my family may not want splattered on the internet.  That is why I enjoy speaking to youth groups.  I enjoy sharing my testimony and what God has done for me.  I can relate to most because I have been through a wide variety of situations.  I don't share my testimony to glorify it in any way.  It is just fact.  It is my past that has happened and cannot be denied.  However, it does not define who I am today.  I am not a victim, I am a victor!  God is good!

So as I approach another birthday tomorrow, I smile.  I have been serving God for six years now and I cannot even remember the person I was before.  Sure, I know it was me...I know I went though it but it is almost like a movie.  Like it was something I had watched rather than experienced.   My life is good right now. That doesn't mean I don't face trials and tribulations but the difference between me then and me now - I have God to help me through it.  While that sounds cliche, it is true.  Having God as part of my life makes all the difference.

So, I am another year older and another year closer to 40.  Kind of blows my mind.  I see someone from my school years and think - 'Do I look that old?'.  But age is inevitable.  You can embrace it or you can deny it and wake up one morning and not recognize the face in the mirror.

This year is a year that is going to be some amazing changes!  I am going through Jeanne Mayo's Cadre discipleship (http://www.youthleaderscoach.com/cadre.asp), my son will get his permit (egads!), I am taking the steps to get healthier and I want to fall back in love with God to the point that I am intoxicated with His presence.

So when people ask how old I am, I merely smile and say "36" and when they gasp and say I don't look that old, I smile a bit broader.

36......pish-posh - it's merely a number.

Me at 4 years old

Satan is a punk....

Sometimes we forget how good God is.


We see a situation and get so discouraged.  We get angry, upset and even depressed that the problem before us seems impossible to overcome.  We stare up at the mountain and see the large mass of rock and not the big picture.


We were born into a life of sin (thanks a lot Adam and Eve) into a sinful world.  Bad things happen to good people.  That's life.  When we become a Christian, it isn't like this magic bubble surrounds us and all the good stays contained while the bad bounces off of it.  Not so.  


Whenever I hear of someone going through a bad time, I can't help but think of Job (Joe-b) in the Bible.  He lost everything.  His wife, his family, his land, his livestock and eventually his health - everything.  However, God never left him nor did He let him suffer without an ultimate plan.  The devil was trying to prove God wrong.  So when the devil came up the the throne room of God and said he had been "roaming the earth" (presumably looking for someone to harass), God suggested Job.  Then Satan told God to let him have Job.  He told God that Job only served Him (God) because he was protected.  He said to let him have Job and he will prove that when calamity comes his way, he will turn away from God.   Therefore, God let Satan do his worst.  Job grew upset and even a bit angry but he never blamed God for what was happening to him.  In the end, God blessed Job even more abundantly for his faithfulness.


Sometimes I look at my life like Job. Granted, my life has been pretty good compared to most but sometimes it just plain sucks.  If you notice, it seems like everything comes in a package, one thing after another.  There are times I get discouraged and overwhelmed thinking I just want to lay down and let the world pass me by.  Then I think of Job.  I get a new perspective and I realize if all this is coming against me, then God must think I am "blameless and upright".  Satan can only do what God allows.  He has no power except that which is given to him.  So if God gives him the power to come against me in a whirlwind, I will stand firm footed because God knows I can handle it and He will bless me in the end.


This isn't to say that sometimes I freak out.  However, when I look back I see that God has taken care of everything, every time.  So, why do I still freak out when I know that God has always taken care of me (even when I was a sinner, how awesome is THAT)?  I am still flesh....and I still have doubts.  Perhaps I think this is the one time God will leave me to my own demise.  Perhaps I am thinking I have been given His grace once too many.  Perhaps He is up there, sighing and throwing His hands up saying "Really, Misty?  AGAIN?"   Typing that brings a smile to my face because the God I serve is amazing.  He takes care of His children and when I accepted Christ, I was adopted into the Royal Family of God.  I am His and He is mine.  He never gets frustrated with me, He is patient and understanding and is always in the midst any situation.  For that, I strive to please Him.


So, if you are feeling discouraged, anxious or just plain 'blah', know that God is there in the middle of your situation.....and so is the enemy (aka Satan).  He is standing before the throne and condemning your name wanting nothing more than to destroy you.  Are you going to stand by and let him win?  


The enemy does not have to take you down to win, he only has to make you ineffective.


In closing, I want to leave a few scriptures for you, all are NIV.


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." – Philippians 4:6


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Dueteronomy 31:6 


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". – Matthew 11:28-30


"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." – Galatians 6:9


"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." – Psalm 42:5-6a


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10