Altitude Adjustment

God sent messengers to Israel to get them on the right path.  He sends them again and again and they refuse to listen to the voices of the prophets.  God speaks to them.  And God will speak to you.  Most of the time God won’t speak audibly and this is discouraging to people.  We want some voice like James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman to boom down on us.  More often than not.....that doesn't happen.

We have 3 parts of the body – the physical, the soul, the spirit.  The deepest part is the spirit.  God wants to speak to the deepest part of you – the spirit.  We have been studying The Story.  It is a book compiled of the entire Bible but it takes the key moments, people and circumstances and condenses them into one book.  We have to realize and recognize that we fit into God's story.

2 Chronicles 36:11-16

Zedekiah was twenty-one years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem eleven years. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord his God and did not humble himself before Jeremiah the prophet, who spoke the word of the Lord.  He also rebelled against King Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him take an oath in God’s name. He became stiff-necked and hardened his heart and would not turn to the Lord, the God of Israel.  Furthermore, all the leaders of the priests and the people became more and more unfaithful, following all the detestable practices of the nations and defiling the temple of the Lord, which he had consecrated in Jerusalem.  The Lord, the God of their ancestors, sent word to them through his messengers again and again, because he had pity on his people and on his dwelling place.  But they mocked God’s messengers, despised his words and scoffed at his prophets until the wrath of the Lord was aroused against his people and there was no remedy.

No remedy – what sad words.

How many remember precisely where you were on 9/11? Do you remember the chaos of the moment?  What about Katrina?  Remember the pictures, damages, horrible devastation? We remember those vividly.  We remember traumatic events.   Jeremiah was a prophet and he saw a day of judgment coming to Jerusalem.  Jeremiah was often referred to as the weeping prophet.  He cries and weeps (he also wrote the book of Lamentations and Jeremiah) for the destruction and what was about to fall on Jerusalem and Judah.  If only God's people had turned from their sins, God could have spared Jerusalem.  For them there was no remedy.

Look at v 12 – something about humility and pride.

He did evil in the eyes of the Lord his God and did not humble himself before Jeremiah the prophet, who spoke the word of the Lord

Pride tunes out the voice of God.  Pride says 'I don’t need to hear God'.  Humility turns towards the voice of God.  God is good.  God wants to bless his people. He desires it because He is a good God.  Humility tunes us into the voice of God so that we can experience God’s blessing.  He doesn’t bless us because we are special...He does it because He is good.  But if we are prideful, we can’t get into that place where we can receive God's favor.

Humility is the key to God’s guidance and favor in our lives.  So often we think we are pretty special and sometimes God has to come and pull us back down to earth.

Matt 23:12

For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

You put yourself in a place where you can receive the blessing and promise of the Lord. 

The key to obtaining blessing and favor of God is humility!  Humble yourselves before God. As you look at the scripture….Israel has already fallen in the north and we are coming to the destruction of Judah in the south. 

Some background – Zedekiah is the last king of Judah.  The northern kingdom had fallen to the Syrians.  But the southern is still intact. During Judah’s reigns of 20 kings – 6 were good, 14 were bad.  The average reign of a bad king was 12 years.  When your reign ended in Judah, no one gave you a going away party.  When you were finished, you were dead.  That is how we know your reign ended – you were assassinated, killed.  The average reign of the good kings were 38 years – it pays to be good.

2 Chronicles 36:15

The Lord, the God of their ancestors, sent word to them through his messengers again and again, because he had pity on his people and on his dwelling place.

God is gracious, God is good and He keeps reaching out again and again. God is patient and He sends prophet after prophet.  Jeremiah was sent specifically to warn Zedekiah.   When you read Jeremiah, one of his central imageries in his prophecies was water.  He talks about drinking pure water or that Judah is drinking from dirty water – symbolic of their idolatry.  This world’s water will never satisfy.

Jeremiah finally says disaster is coming because of your arrogance.  But Zedekiah won’t heed his warning.  Zedekiah is fearful of Jeremiah because of his anointing so he won’t kill Jeremiah.  So he puts him in prison.  Back then, some prisons were just a large cage in the middle of the palace.  The only trouble is, where the prison is located, Zedekiah can still hear Jeremiah calling out of destruction and judgment coming - humble and repent and Zedekiah did not want to hear it.  So he throws Jeremiah down in the dungeon so he can’t hear him.  But word keeps coming back to Zedekiah and he doesn't know what to do with Jeremiah.   You can run but the word of God will seek you out wherever you are at.

Zedekiah throws Jeremiah into a dry, empty well because he can’t take it anymore (remember Jeremiah's central imagaries for his prophecies? Water).  You may think your boss or teacher is tough.  But if you were a prophet in Judah or Israel, that is a deadly profession – you die.

v. 16

But they mocked God’s messengers, despised his words and scoffed at his prophets until the wrath of the Lord was aroused against his people and there was no remedy.

Eventually the cup of God’s wrath is filled to the tipping point and comes to a point there is no remedy. God says this is enough.  That patient God who warned them again and again he finally says that is enough!

Nebuchadnezzar and the armies come and lay siege to Jerusalem for 2 years.  They starve them out.  Ezekiel, another prophet, prophesied saying fathers would eat their children and children would eat their fathers.   This is a terribly time to live in Judah – a time of pain and destruction. 

God warns us – again and again.  Eventually there will come a time you will reap what you sow.  If in your pride you don’t listen to the voice of God and if you shut him out, there will come a time God will say there is no remedy.  If you go to work, come in late don’t do your job, eventually the boss will say you are fired.   If you use illegal drugs – you get hooked and addicted and the habit comes in and takes control and God warns you again and again…..and you become addicted and there is no remedy – reap what you sow.

God is warning us again and again and if our pride and arrogance say we don’t need you, we will suffer the consequences.  God gives us laws and the book, not for His benefit – but for ours.  Everything you will ever need is in the Bible – marriage, finances, raising kids.

We can humble ourselves and heed God’s warnings, or in our pride we can ignore them and go over the cliff.  Our nation has thumbed its nose at God – and we wonder why our families are falling apart, our schools are in trouble, our nation is debt and we have a major drug problem.  If we, in our pride, say to God we don’t need you anymore we will suffer the consequences.

Before it is too late, God has given us a remedy – for our nation, our lives, and our families.  

2 Chronicles 7:14

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

There is a remedy today.  Nebuchadnezzar comes in and destroys Jerusalem.  He takes the best and brightest to Babylon.  It is possible to live holy lives into an unholy world – look at Daniel.  Nebuchadnezzar leaves Jerusalem and leaves Zedekiah in charge.  To show how stupid Zedekiah is, he not only rebels against God but he decides to rebel against the king.  So Nebuchadnezzar comes back and he is angry. He takes Zedekiah's sons and drags them out and kills them.  Then he takes hot pokers and burns out Zedekiah's eyes.  Then he throws him in prison to live with his regrets.

Sometimes we say God where are you in all this?  Why am I going through this?  My world is falling apart.  But more often these are messes we brought on ourselves. However, God reaches out again and again and He speaks to us but our pride won’t allow us to listen.  Then God says – have it your way.  Israel and Judah are so scattered, they don’t become a nation again until 1948.  Pride says do your own thing, you are in charge.  But we end up being controlled by something else.  Something will rule over you (addiction).  So when you say you will be in charge of yourself, in reality you will be under slavery of the enemy.  Pride is something we all deal with.  How do we handle it?  

Three things--

      1. Repent of pride

How do we see pride in the world in relation to hearing the voice of god?

     A. There are those who don’t believe in God – atheists.  There are very few true atheists in the world. Most are agnostic - meaning there may or may not be a God, I don’t care.  Not gonna listen to any warnings, I am my own man. God is a crutch that I don’t need.  I am hoping you aren’t in that category.  Some of us are functional atheists – that means we believe in God, we know there is a God but we live apart from god doing our own thing.  

That’s pride – dangerous.

     B. 911 Jesus – I will call him in my time of need.  I do what I want, I am good, God I got it covered, I am in control, life is good – but as soon as a tragedy hits we get serious and pray.

     C. Those who believe in God and know what His word says but don’t obey it – we wanna still do our junk.  We know what the word says but we chose not to obey.  A dangerous place to be – prophets called it "sinning with the high hand".  
 

     D. Most fall into this – I believe in God and I love God but I am just too busy.  I got so much going on.  I am sorry I can’t pray, read the word, tune in, go to church….I am too busy.  That is pride of self-importance.  It is the ‘world needs me’ syndrome. 

How do we deal with this?  Repent and humble ourselves – saying I am wrong and God is right.

     2. Listen and Surrender

Put God’s ways ahead of yours.  Jeremiah knew that captivity was coming and even knew how long – 70 yrs. 

Jeremiah 29:10-14

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah writes this when the people were at the very lowest and even in the midst of that, God says 'I still have plans'.  Even though Israel is scattered forever, Judah rebuilds 70 yrs. later.  Why?  Because Judah is the tribe the messiah comes from and God is going to keep his tribe intact.  And so God says 'I have plans for you'.  

If the walls of your life seem to be crumbling – God says I got some good plans for you.  Don’t give up, just stop and listen – turn to me.  I got something good for you.

James 4:6-7

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Sometimes we blame the devil but most messes are created by our own doing.  Humility simply says – you are God and I am not.

     3. Give God the credit

Humility gives God all the credit.  It isn’t about us, it is about God and His glory.  For very blessing and success goes to God. 

Jeremiah 9:23-24

This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,  justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.

Don’t be arrogant with God’s blessings.  Give Him the credit.  He is so good.  There are so many times that if we don’t humble ourselves, He will do it for us.  As soon as we start thinking we are all that – bam – we will fail just to put us in check.

Often times, my failure is my fault because of my own pride – failure to trust God.  But ALL success is God’s goodness.  

God has a plan for your life.

Psalm 20:7-8

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

 They are brought to their knees and fall,

    but we rise up and stand firm.

Incredible.  Put your trust in God – praise is about boasting in the Lord.  Humility is the key to the favor of God.  Let God readjust your altitude so you aren’t so high in your own pride.

Harsh Reality

So, at the start of this year I decided to make the change I wanted to see.  This time last year, I was at the same point.  No joke.  The new year rolled over, I was gung-ho and ready to conquer the world and take it by the horns.  And I felt I was going to do it.

Then something happened.  A shift, if you will - a shift that caused my emotions to just crumble.  I couldn't tell you the moment or the circumstance, or even the month.  It just did.  That entire last half of 2013 was a mess for me, I admit.  I was spiraling into a pretty serious depression.  People would tell me to smile or to show joy.  Honestly, I don't even know what joy is.  I see people with it, but then I often wonder if they are faking it like I have so many times before?  Being a Christian, it is embedded into our spiritual DNA to be joyful.  It is even one of the fruits of the spirit.  So, as a Christian, people don't understand why I am so sad all the time.  At first, I knew why.  There were a lot of changes happening, relationships seemed irreparable, I felt forgotten and unwanted by others actions but after a few months, I didn't have a reason to be depressed - I just was.  I couldn't shake it.  I was getting dangerously close to a point that I really didn't want me to be in but some small part of me did, in fact, want it.  Sounds crazy, right?

Good news, though, I am recovering from it - slowly.  So as this year clicked over, I looked out over the course of the next 12 months and decided that I had to make the changes. 

First change was health.  I feel like I wasted a lot of my life with unhealthy choices (not just nutrition but in general) and didn't care.  But as I have gotten older, I realized that I want to be healthy and live a long, active life.  I wasn't going to do that from the couch.  Therefore, Matt and I joined the gym.  We have been going when we can and I, for one, love it.  I am disappointed when I can't make it to the class (which one night is Weds and I have youth group).  The first day I was pretty sure I would going to need 911 called and would have to pull my cane from the closet.  I was so sore and didn't even realized I had all the muscles that were screaming - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

But, over the course of the few days we went to class, it has gotten easier.  Well, let me take that back.....it hasn't gotten easier, per say, but I can at least walk without hunching over.

Another change is I started a new job.  I really enjoy it, nothing fancy, a cashier job.  I love working with people and interacting with a variety of customers, all with their own stories that they often like to share.  I haven't had a customer service job in over 8 years.  While I was a little intimidated at first, I enjoy it.

The other change is spiritual direction.  My kids are growing older and soon will be doing their own thing.  So where does that leave me?  I teach youth currently and enjoy it but I want more.  I am going to get my passport soon.  Not because I have a destination planned, but because I want to be ready.  I want to be ready for when the Lord needs a job fulfilled and He looks across the earth to see who will be suitable....and I will hop on my tiptoes, hand waving in the air and yelling - Lord, send me!   I want to go somewhere that will wreck my world.  Missions has been something on my heart.  Not to be a missionary as in moving to another country but I do want to travel and go where the Lord needs me to go. 

So, as I think of the many things in store this year (B4B, VBS, my son's graduation and open house, my son going to college, Fear Factory, my daughter becoming a senior, work, gym, teaching youth and still being a wife/mother) I get overwhelmed and a part of me wants to just throw in the towel and go back to my mundane life.  But that is not what God wants.  He wants us to be active and move forward constantly, to always seek Him and the next step. 

I don't want to just make it into heaven.....I want to slide through the pearly gates and say "Man, whatta ride!"

Adventure Is Out There

Another year has come and gone.  The older I get, the quicker these things sneak up on me it seems.  This has been the 8th year I haven't visited a bar or drank alcohol to ring in the New Year.  I am not saying it is a bad thing but for me, it is.  This has also been the first New Year's in 6 years that we haven't spent it around a bunch of crazy teens.  While I missed that, it was nice to just do nothing, more or less. 

With that being said, it is a time to reflect on the previous year.  As is most years, it was a turbulence of emotions and events.  It was a year of self evaluations and a year of seeing where we fit into this crazy world, so to speak. 

My daughter has been thinking about becoming a missionary for the first part of her adult life once she graduates.  She wants to attend a missionary school nearby and see the world.  She has an adventurous heart.  Therefore, she has been on this kick about asking me what adventures I have been on.  In which I reply - none.  So she asks me various scenarios to see if I have done them such as skydiving, riding a camel, etc.   I quickly realized that it feels as if I have wasted my life.  Sure, I have done a few things such as swim with stingrays and swim an underground cave but that seems small in comparison to the big picture.

We watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty this evening and, again, it seems the same theme smacking me in the face.  What have you done that is worth telling?  Sadly, not much for me.

I wasted the first 30 years of my life with alcohol and drugs.  I spent time in jail, in abusive relationships, partying, getting wasted and just hating life to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.  It is hard to believe that it has only been 8 years that I accepted Christ and turned my life around for the better.  However, it doesn't change the fact that my life has been less than adventurous. 

My daughter wants to travel and see the world.  She wants to help others and make a difference.  I applaud her for that but there is a bit of jealousy and sadness wrapped in the pride and excitement I have for her.  Jealousy because I know she will do it.  I know she will see many areas of the world that I will never.  She will have more adventure in a few years than I will ever have.  Then sadness - sadness that she will be so far away.  Sadness that we can't laugh until our sides hurt, sit and read together or go to the mall. 

Adventure is out there.  We just have to grab it.  My life isn't over yet.  With that being said, 2014 is going to be one crazy ride.  There is so much going on and so much change happening. I am a creature of habit in every sense of the word.  So, facing change head on is a scary thing but thankfully, I have Matt to go on the crazy train with me.  This coming year I have our annual youth rally to start thinking about, then Caleb graduates (gulp) and need to plan an open house, then VBS, then thinking about Caleb going to college (which terrifies me), vacations, ministry, getting healthier ..... and trying to work two jobs. 

Where does adventure play into all of this? 

I am unsure.  All I know is that, like Walter Mitty, my life is not worth a few pages in a journal.  However, even though my pages may be blank, I hold the pen.  If I want change, I will have to put the ink to the paper.

So, bring it on 2014.  As cliche as it sounds - the best is yet to come!

Mourning the Past; Anticipating the Future

Christmas has come and gone.  The day after always seems as though it never even happened.  Anyone else feel that way?

My Christmas season has been an emotional roller coaster and admittedly not been easy.  I have been thinking a lot about my dad, my kids and my lack of relationship within my family unit.  It has just put me in a funk that I couldn't seem to dig out of. 

My anniversary rolled around and while I expected the typical card and flowers that Matt generally buys me for our yearly day, I was pleasantly surprised by his well thought out choice of expressing his love.  I awoke to a card that started me on an adventure of sorts.  The card led me to a clue which, in turn, led me to others - 13 in all.  Each clue led me to a location in our home that represented different moments in our lives.  He shared with me memories of our lives together, expressions of love and words of encouragement.  It is okay, you can insert a vocal "awww" here.  Anyway, through tears I realized that life isn't over.  That even though I am an emotion wreck due to creeping up on a milestone age and many changes happening in the next couple years (graduations, colleges, etc), I am not alone.   I realized that in the past 16 years, Matt has sat on the side lines waiting patiently for his turn.  He has watched me devote all my attention to the kids, live my life for them...that his turn to get my attention and for us to develop who we are as a couple is coming. 

I have raised kids since I was 19 years old.  I fear that once they are gone, I will be alone and not know what to do with myself.  My identity is wrapped up in them.  However, Matt giving me that treasure hunt of love and memories, broke something inside me that made me realize I can be sad and miss the days of the kids being dependent on me, I can be fearful for what the future brings and I can feel a sense of mourning for the past....but my future is bright and exciting because I get to do it alongside my best friend.

So, while I got a short punch in the gut this Christmas by words said, or lack thereof, it was a good Christmas.  My brother and his family came over the Sunday prior and we had dinner and gifts and just an over all good time.  My daughter's boyfriend joined us which was new to us but overall it felt like just another one of the family horsing around downstairs.

Then Christmas Eve we, as a family, went to the movies (Madea's Christmas - hilarious) then came home and made home made pizzas.  Once they were done, we watched Christmas movies, ate pizza and the kids were out by 1am.  Even though they are 16 and 18, I still sneak around and fill their stockings so they are ready when they get up. Silly, I know.  They have never believed in Santa Clause and therefore know it is me but it is still fun to sneak around. 

Then Christmas morning hit and gifts were opened, messes were made and hearts were filled with warmth.  Some things never change, no matter how old your kids are.

I love my kids with everything inside me.  I am their number one fan.  I am excited to see which paths they will take in the next few years and while it makes me sad to think that one day I will wake up with the realization that my house is empty.....I hope that they desire to come home often.

A little late but Merry Christmas!  May God bless each of you that read this over and abundantly!

The treasure hunt letters Matt left me for our anniversary.

Our home made Christmas Eve pizzas

Matt and I on Christmas Eve

Christmas Morning

I Am Such A Girl

I am not an emotional person - or I didn't use to be.  However, here lately I have been a ball of emotions that seems to be rolling out of control.  It is a little ridiculous.

I am unsure why.  I mean, there are reasons but I am not quite sure why they are suffocating me all at once. 

One thing is my dad.  It is no surprise that I miss him terribly.  His birthday is in two days and he would have been 77.   He has been gone over 20 years and sometimes it feels so fresh in my heart that the mourning starts again.  I know, without a doubt, I will see him again when this life is over but it doesn't console the pain I have now.  I am not sure if it is because the holidays are approaching and Christmas was his favorite.  Whatever the reason, the pain sometimes overwhelms me like a tidal wave.  I have two audio recordings of him.  That is it other than pictures.  It never fails that tears fall when I listen to them.  I suppose that is a natural response and when people lose loved ones, I want to tell them that it gets easier....and in some ways it does.  But I also want to tell them that there are some days where you will miss them so terribly you would give anything to just see their face again.  I unashamedly admit there are many times I plead with God to just send him in a dream for me.  While I know once people pass, they know nothing of this world but a memory brought to life in my dreams makes the pain a little more bearable. 

Secondly - my kids.  I am not handling them growing up and it has hit me full force this year.  My son is graduating this coming spring and I just ordered his cap and gown and thinking about his open house.  I am an emotional wreck.  I adore that kid more than any words I could type here.  He and I have been through a lot together. It hurts me deeper than any hurt to think of him going on to college and creating a life for himself and him not being here.  I know, being a parent, we raise them and let them go but no one told me it would be this hard.  I had my kids at a young age and always said I couldn't wait until I had my freedom back.  Now I just want them to stay with me forever. 

I see pictures of my daughter as a little girl and I cry.  I know, it is ridiculous but I miss that little cute girl that crawled up in my lap every chance she got.  I miss her tiny voice asking her dad to play with her.  I miss both my kids calling me "mommy".  It has gotten so bad that Matt and I contemplated having another one.  It was so bad that the thought of NOT having one was utterly devastating to me.  We have went through the process to take the steps but have continually backed out.   I am not sure why the decision to have another is so hard....fear is the main reason.  There are a lot of things to consider and being fearful overwhelms us.  That and it wouldn't be fair to our older kids.  We want them to succeed and we want to help them achieve their goals and with a new baby, that would be so hard.  Not to mention being in the ministry would no longer be an option....and I am not sure I am okay with that. Therefore, we opted not to.  I can't say I am 100% happy about it.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of a child sometimes. 

I cry, a lot.  I try not to let anyone see me.  I do it when I am alone and my thoughts consume me.  I am not depressed, not suicidal, not in a funk....I am just sad.  Is it a mid-life crisis thing?  Is it just my thoughts consuming me?  I am not sure.  What I do know is that I am tired of feeling this way.  I am trying to enjoy the season I am in and not live as though I am in another.  I need to enjoy the moments, take hold of the opportunities and press forward. 

So, it has been a rough year.  My emotions have been on the crazy train and I think it is time I get off of it. 

Love isn't easy...but it's worth it.

One week from today is Matt and my anniversary.  16 years, can ya believe it?   In an age where divorce is on the rise and a society where marriage is not held in high regards, we made it 16 years.  Crazy.

Like so many relationships, ours was destined to fail right out of the gate.  We didn't get together based on love or attraction - it was merely out of need.

I was married at the time and had a one year old son.  He was at the sitters and a bunch of us got together to go to a local festival.  Matt was part of that group and I asked someone who he was because I had seen him around and once they told me, I remembered.  I had went to school with him. Although he was a grade younger than I was and I had never spoken a word to him, I knew who he was.  I didn't give it another thought.

Once we got back to the apartment where we all planned to continue the festivities, my husband at the time created a situation.  I won't go into details but it wasn't good.  We were in the other room and with it being a small apartment, every uttered word could be heard.  He made threats before storming out of the bedroom and I stayed in there, composing myself because even though this was a common occurrence, it didn't make it any less embarrassing.  It was after a few moments that I realized it was quiet.  I slowly exited the bedroom to see that all my "friends" had scattered and went outside when they heard the commotion coming from the other room.

All but one.  

Matt was sitting in a chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.  After I came out and stood there awkwardly, he raised his head and asked "Are you okay?"  After I assured him I was, he said he wasn't going to leave me there.  It was that night we talked until the sun came up.  It was that night that my friend took him to the side and asked if he liked me.  He told her he had but I was married and he wasn't going to step into that.  She assured him that I was waiting for the opportunity to leave and that the marriage was just a piece of paper - and she spoke the truth.  It was that night he kissed me.  I was shocked when it happened.  It was quick and awkward.  I sat there, unmoving, shocked and freaked out. 

But as I said, it was doomed to fail.  I wanted out of my marriage because of the abuse, I had nowhere to go, I had a one year old son and had my back against the wall.  I needed a place to stay.  When Matt said he had an apartment and wanted me to live with him.  I quickly agreed.  It meant I could get out of where I was and not have to go home.  Not to mention Matt had just gotten out of jail and had the hook up for drugs.  He was my supplier and I got it all for free.  I admit - I used him.  He knows this.

After being together for a few months, I finally got a divorce and he mentioned marriage.  I was never going to marry again.  We found out we were pregnant and lived in fear of telling our families.  Once we did, marriage became the topic often.  I refused, he wanted to, his family was pushing it.....finally in 1997 we married.  I agreed just to shut everyone up.  Why in December?  It was before tax season and we did it so I could be on his taxes.  Glamorous, right?

It was hard.  There was a time when Cheyenne was 4 and Caleb was 6 that we were done.  We couldn't do it anymore.  He packed up and was going to leave and I wanted him to.  We mentioned it before but this time it was a reality.  However, to this day I couldn't tell you how we reconciled or what changed. 

Marriage is hard.  We have fought a lot.  I wish I could say it was the drugs and alcohol.  I didn't stop using until after I found Christ in 2005.  I wish I could blame that but I can't.  We have fought since then.  We have had some dooseys; I would be lying if I said otherwise.  But we have always reconciled.  We have realized we are different and that is okay.  It works.  I think, too often, people get married for the wrong reasons (been there) and are quick to get married because it seems glamorous.  It isn't.  Marriage is hard, it is messy and the biggest hurting my heart has ever felt is during harsh words from a dispute with Matt.  The key, in my opinion, is once you get married - there is no out.  There is no option for divorce.  I tell Matt frequently that he is stuck with me forever. 

It seems people are rushing to get married, especially young people.  I am unsure the reasoning but WAIT.  If you are in a relationship, marriage can wait.  Get to know the person....get to know EVERYTHING.  Make sure you can wake up to that person every single day for the rest of your life.  Make sure that your first marriage is your only marriage.  It is so cliche, I know.... but live life. 

Marriage is an awesome thing but it is a very sacred thing that God ordains between a man and a woman.  Hold it sacred too.

So, with that being said - here are a few things I love about Matt.  Be prepared for sappy cuteness.....

1. I love his smile
2. I love when he winks at me across a crowded room
3. I love that he supports every endeavor I take on
4. I love how he will do whatever in his power just to make me happy
5. I love that every time he goes somewhere, before he comes home he asks if I need anything
6. I love how he loves on my animals even though he says he hates them
7. I love how hard he works 
8. I love how he tries to surprise me with things and fails miserably because I always seem to find out
9. I love that we can talk about God in one breath and zombies in another
10. I love when he watches a movie and there is a fight scene, he presses his lips and jerks his body with each punch
11. I love how he lets me lay on him when we watch a movie
12. I love the way he looks at me - like I am the most beautiful woman in the world
13. I love when he calls me cute (not hot, sexy, etc)
14. I love how he has always treated Caleb like he was his own
15. I love how he will do whatever he can to make the kids happy
16. I love how he loves my family like his own
17. I love when I am sick and he thinks I am sleeping, he places his hand on my forehead
18. I love when he holds my hand in public
19. I love how he is like a furnace and when I am cold, he will cuddle with me to keep me warm
20. I love that we can be stupid together
21. I love that he is still a gentleman and holds doors and helps me when I struggle
22. I love that I can tell him absolutely anything
23. I love how he loves God more than me
24. I love how he is the one that likes to shop
25. I love when he preaches/teaches, there is no one better in my opinion.

I could continue on and on.  We have our hiccups.  We have are disagreements, our fights and spats.  However, those things do not change the love I have for him.  There are days I think I am so undeserving of him.  There are days that I just steal glances at him because my heart threatens to explode from the love that dwells inside for him. 

I love you, Matt.  I pray many, many more years together!!!

 

Lesson Learned

I was out and about today, so I stopped by Meijer's to browse and to get me a pop because I was parched. I picked up a few things and made my way to the cash register.  I opted to go through a manned register instead of the self check out.

The young lady there was disheveled looking and her face was pinched in a scowl.  I placed my items up on the belt and it didn't take long for her to speak her mind.  It went a little like this.

C (cashier) : I am about to snap.
M (me): Sorry to hear that.
C : *heavy sigh* For real.  People can be so *pause* rude.  Like seriously.
M : I know and it seems the closer it gets to the holidays, the ruder people are.
C : You don't understand.  I am about to freak out.
M : I understand.  Just know that it will be ok.  It is only for a short time.
C : *small smile* Thank you, have a great night.
M : You too, and have a great Thanksgiving

There is so much truth in that conversation.  I dread leaving my house. No matter where I go, it seems people are rude, obnoxious or just downright mean.  It IS the holidays, right?  It IS the season of peace, love and joy......right?

What is happening?  People are talking about how thankful they are for what they have and in the next breath talking about heading out to get an item on Black Friday.  I just don't get it.  I try not to be one of those people but sometimes others just bring out the worst in me.  I try to be patient but it is so hard when others are only out for themselves.  I am fairly polite in the store - saying excuse me, apologizing when I bump into someone or waiting patiently while someone decides on mustard or ketchup. 

My problem is I expect others to be as I am.  And that just isn't reality.  These cashiers work hard.  They are on their feet many hours, often without a break and they are ringing up YOUR items.  The least you could do is offer a smile, say a few kind words and be patient.  It isn't their fault.  By me just saying "it will be okay", I could see the sourness melt from her face.  Sometimes that is all we need to hear - it will be ok.

Granted, we should be gentle, patient and kind year 'round.  However, can we all try to be the next 6 weeks?  Let's be a little more patient, say a few extra kind words and smile more no matter our own circumstance.  I find when I am being intentionally kind towards someone that, in return, I feel a little bit better myself. 

I guess what I am saying is sometimes happiness is a choice.  You can choose to dread going out this time of year, you can choose to be a sourpuss and snarl at everyone, you can choose to push your shopping cart like you are going to win an award at the finish line.....or you can go out with the mentality that you will make a difference, that you will change someone's outlook on humanity and that because of you, someone will know that not everyone is like what they perceive them to be.

Once I was driving home, I kicked myself.  The holy spirit tugged on me a little bit.  He said I did well in my words but I should have told her - "It will be alright because Jesus loves you." 

Next time.......