Healthy Obsession

I am an avid reader.  However, the older I get it seems the less time I have to do it.  But oh, there is nothing more satisfying than a good read.

My dream home would consist of a library like you see in the movies - mahogany or cherry wood, large, leather chairs, a large picture window and the walls covered in canvas art and books from floor to ceiling.  Ahhhhh, it makes me smile just thinking about it. 

I can thank my father for my obsession.  He was an avid reader himself, able to read at an alarming speed.  He could look down the middle of the page and read all the words.  I can remember when my brother had read Pet Semetary by Stephen King and was telling my dad what a good book it was.  The next morning my dad said - "It was a good book."  He had read it in a few hours time.

My dad didn't get out much.  So my mom would go to the library for him. The librarian knew us by name.  If there was a book our small town library didn't have (which was often), they would have it there within a week for him.  My mom had this large sports sack, the mesh kind that football players use for equipment.  She would take it and skim the library shelves and fill it with 10 -12 books or until the bag seemed to bulge at the seems.  They typically included autobiographies and anything new by Larry McMurtry.  Once we got back home, my dad would go through and make two piles - one of the ones he was interested in and the other of the ones he was not.  My mom made the trip once a week, often times more.  In that week's time, my dad would have finished the books and ready for new - the library couldn't keep up with his insatiable thirst for the written word.

I have developed the same love and appreciation for books.  I love the smell of them.  I love the crackling sound the spine makes when I open it.  I love the feel of turning a page and I never....ever dog-ear my pages!  I own a Nook and my husband always offers to buy digital copies of the latest book I want and there have been times I have let him, only to realize it is not the same.  I don't like it.  I want to turn a page; I want to slide the bookmark in to save my place; I want to hold the book with both hands. 

While I understand that technology is surpassing our knowledge it seems, I know that books may become obsolete and libraries may just be a story I tell my grandkids.  I hope not, but I am a realist and know this very well could be our future.

However, I will continue to collect them and pull then from the shelf, dust the sleeve off, curl in a chair with a cup of tea and enjoy a life I will never live.

And as long as I have anything to say about it, my future generations will grow to love books as much as I.  Thankfully, my daughter has developed the same adoration for the bound pages.  Therefore, the generation of loving them will continue.

With that being said, I have a new book waiting to be read......

It's not "good-bye"; it's "see ya later"....

This day came way too fast.....way too fast.

My eldest, only son, moved out of the house and into his college apartment.  *sigh*

I have been an emotional wreck that I just couldn't pull myself out of.  I would get up and leave the room randomly to go cry.  If someone had told me that having a child was like having your heart walk around outside of your body, I am not sure I would have signed up for this gig.

It's hard.  Actually, this was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do.  Last night I was such a mess that I began to have an anxiety attack and had to reel myself back in (with the help of medication).  Finally, morning had came and we were packing up the vans and heading to Purdue.

I did fairly well today.  I had these grand ideas that we would get him unpacked, moved in, we would go out to a movie, eat dinner and then I would drop him off at work with a final farewell.  Yea....nice try.

He was moved in and unpacked in less than two hours and wanted lunch and me to go.  So much for that idea.  As short as it was....it was a good time.  There was laughter, conversation and good feelings.  Seeing him when his roommates arrived (buddies of his) and how they interacted put all my concerns at ease.

Leaving him with a "See ya later, text me if you need anything", I was driving home.  I shed a few tears and told Cheyenne, in a dramatic flare of emotions, - "Being a mother sucks.  Don't ever become one."

I am not okay but I will be.  Yes, I may shed some more tears as I miss hearing him downstairs.  I will sigh heavily when I just want to go downstairs and lay on his bed while he plays video games (and often fall asleep).  The cat came up the stairs this evening, causing them to creak and for a brief moment, I thought it was Caleb.  It's hard but we are creatures that adapt quickly.  While I will miss him, I am excited for this adventure.

That is what we do, right?  We have them, raise them and send them off.  They are never truly OURS.  God just loans them to us.  We are to nurture, raise them, teach them, protect them, guide them....then trust in Him and send them into the world with a good moral compass.  God is the one that created them, molded them in our wombs and has a purpose for them.  We are here to unveil that purpose and help them discover it.

But danggit - it's hard!

However, as I sit here, I think to myself......if this is hard for me how much harder was it for God to let His Son go?  How much harder was it for him to give His son to a hand picked mother, for her to raise him, nurture him, protect him, guide him and raise him only to let Him go and fulfill his purpose?  I could not even begin to imagine.

I am scared to death, I admit.  I have done everything for my son.  Even when he moved in, I had him all set up with everything he needed to start out, including food.  His other roommates came with some Ramen Noodles and coffee.  I feel like I over achieved but I want him to succeed.  I want him to flourish.  When he was showing his roommates his dishes, his toaster oven, his Kierig and his groceries....he did so with pride.

I want nothing but the best for him but am afraid I did not teach him to live on his own.  I never even taught him to use a dishwasher or a washing machine.  I have never showed him how to make a bed or how to manage his time.  My kids have no chores.  I just tell them to clean their rooms and bathrooms from time to time. My husband always got on me about not giving them responsibility.  It isn't that I didn't want them to have any responsibility....I just wanted them to be kids as long as possible.  The majority of their lives will be consumed with working, paying bills, raising a family and being an adult. It is okay if the first part is just enjoying life for a little bit.

I wish I had cherished time more.  Perhaps played an extra game of basketball outside, watched a few more movies, took more interest in COD, played board games more often, not yelled so much.....instead of letting him be a hermit, I wish I would have invaded his room more.   While all those thoughts dance in my head, I think to myself that I may have missed those opportunities but I still have plenty more ahead of me.

So, he can get mad at my texts, he can roll his eyes at my Facebook posts, he can get irritated at my weekly visits.......but I know that he needs them just as much as I do.

I am such a lucky mom.  I was thinking that the other day.  I was talking with my husband about how hard this was and said, "Why can't our kids hate us like normal teenagers?  It would be easier then."   In which he replied, "Yea, we have some pretty good kids."  

And we do.  I am so utterly proud of both of my kids.  I was such a crappy mom for the first 10 years of my son's life and first 8 of my daughter's.  When I think of how despicable I truly was, it makes my heart hurt.  I was horrible.  However, when I found God and turned my life around, I became a better parent.  My kids are my friends (but I am a parent first) and I wouldn't want it any other way.  

So, I made it through.....I came out on the other side.  There will be tough days ahead, I am sure.  But I can do this.

At least for a year....until my daughter moves out and I am an empty nester.  That will open a whole new can of worms.  BUT - I will not dwell on that.  I will enjoy this time I do have with her still at home.

With that being said.......

Boiler up!
Hammer down!

All packed and ready to roll

I survived.....

Coca Cola cans waiting in the fridge...  "mom" and "go getter"

Wa-hoo! VBS '14 a Success!

This past week has been a much anticipated event!  It was our annual Vacation Bible School.  

This was our 8th VBS and they just keep getting better and better.  This year was Avalanche Ranch.  The church was transformed into a ranch of amazing proportions that truly reflected the love of God.

We learned about how GOD IS REAL (story of Rahab), GOD IS WITH US (the crossing of the Jordan River on dry land), GOD IS STRONG (the falling of the walls of Jericho), GOD IS AWESOME (the death and resurrection) and GOD IS IN CHARGE (Naaman dipping in the Jordan River 7 times to be healed of leprosy).  We met our Bible Memory Buddies Buc, Shadow, Ranger, Skye and Boss.  We also watched the crazy antics of our pal, Chadder the chipmunk.

It takes a long to to prepare for VBS.  I have already started on next year's theme and already ordered some supplies offline.  Once the first of the year rolls around, I will be spending hours learning music, building props, painting, planning and thinking of new ideas to implement.  100's of hours go into VBS and that is no exaggeration. 

Why put all that energy into it?

Seeing the crew leaders connect with the kids, that's why.
Seeing the kids love on their crew leaders, that's why.
To hear a little girl say "this was the best day ever", that's why.
To have kids hug you and say "we don't want this to ever end", that's why.
To see kids with their heads bowed, asking Jesus to be their 'forever friend', that's why.
To see a little girl reach up and grab a leader's pinky as they walk to their next station, that's why.
Seeing lives changed, that's why.

These kids get it.  They are little but they understand.  They melt my heart.

Therefore, if you volunteered, donated, prayed or just offered encouraging words....THANK YOU.  Your actions are not taken for granted.  I appreciate each one of you.  You give me the strength to keep going when I want to just scream because I feel so overwhelmed.  Again, thank you.

Now....to take a breath......relax for a bit......or until I get the kit for next year.  I can't help myself but to review and plan when I should be taking a break.  It is all just too exciting.

Until next year......

Sing and Play Stampede

Snacks, red team crew leader with his pal

Blue team crew leader and her buddy

Clementine dancing with the kids

Hearing the story of the wall of Jericho from Joshua himself

Coloring break in snacks

Horseplay Games

My Passion

Last night I was a guest speaker at a camp with some amazing middle schoolers and their leaders.  I haven't spoken anywhere other than my own church in awhile and I miss it. 

That is my passion.  If I could just quit everything and travel the world, sharing the love of Jesus with this generation, I could die happy and fulfilled.  The young people of today feel like they aren't being heard or that no one cares and often times, it is true.  They don't have anyone that treats them like they are anything more than a burden.  A lot (keep in mind I am not saying all) of society wants to push them into a corner and forget about them until they are old enough to contribute. 

Even the church often uses the phrase "they are the church of tomorrow".  False!  They ARE the church!  These young people are so full of potential.  They have the same spirit dwelling inside of them that we have in us.  God is no respecter of persons.  He can use a 9 year old just as much as he can use a 40 year old.   It is a matter of willingness and the state of the heart.

Youth are so hungry.  They are seeking whatever it takes to fill the emptiness that drills deep inside of them, whether it be drugs, sex, alcohol, self mutilation or sexual identity crisis.  They are wanting so desperately to feel something, anything that they don't realize that what they have been longing for all along was the love of a heavenly Father.

If we don't show them that they are valued, loved and have purpose....society will give them a reason to believe that they aren't.  When I speak, whether at my own church or at someone else's, I see the same pain and hurt buried deep inside.  When God gives me a message to deliver, it is so amazing to see freedom hover over the young people and a sense of hope replace the hurt in their eyes.  THAT is what makes it all worth it.

Give them a chance.....give them a ear when they want to talk....give them a shoulder when they want to cry.....give them hope when they feel hopeless.

That is what being Christ like is all about.

To the men in my life......

It is late.....that is when my mind ponders and refuses to shut down like a normal person's would.

With that being said, it is also Father's Day.  Therefore, I wanted to blog about the inspirational father figures in my life.

First, my actual dad.  He has been gone 21 years.  It seems like a lifetime and yet seems like just yesterday.  While he and I never really saw eye to eye, I respect him more now than before.  It has to do with the maturity level, I am sure.  I wish I had known him as an adult, and I wish I had listened to his nuggets of wisdom more.  He was an intelligent man and my insatiable love for books comes from him.  He was soft spoken and didn't talk just to hear himself speak.  He rarely raised his voice and was a hard worker.  He is daily missed but I thank God for giving me pieces of him in my son.  There have been times that Caleb has taken my breath away by his posture or what he says and my dad comes through.  Happy Father's Day, Dad....see you again soon.

Next, my heavenly Father.  Corny?  Perhaps.  However, my life has been completely changed and turned upside down since 2008.  No one could ever convince me there is not a God.  Even though He doesn't have to, He proves Himself time and time again.  There are some days I think to myself how I ever survived without the knowledge of God and His presence in my life.  My life has never been the same.

Matt.....he may not be my father but he is a father in my life.  We were both young when we got married and he took on, not only me, but my 2 year old son as well.  He has always worked hard to provide for us.  He will do anything within his power to put a smile on our faces.  He has a tender heart and even though he gets on my nerves most days, I know he genuinely loves me and the kids.  I couldn't ask for a better dad for them.  It takes a special man to take on another woman's child and treat him like his own.  My son looks up to Matt and loves him without fail.

Lastly, my brother, Tracy.  When my dad passed away, he stepped up.  He handled things in a mature way.  For only being 27 at the time, he took the situation under his wing.  I never once saw him cry even though I knew the death of our dad was tearing him up inside.  He stayed strong, not because he wanted to be macho but because he didn't have a choice.  Everyone around him was falling apart.  He stood strong.  He has remained that way from then to now.  I know if I ever need anything, he will be there.  If I ever need help, he will come.  If I ever need to vent, he will listen.  He and I never argue or fight, we have the same gentle spirit and we see eye to eye on a lot of things.  We can talk for hours and laugh at stupid stuff.  He may not be my dad....but he is a pretty close second.

So with that being said, Happy Father's Day !!!  Kick your feet up, turn on the t.v. and just enjoy the day...and know that you are loved and appreciated!

The day has come

Today was a day that was I was both looking forward to and dreading. 

My first child's graduation.

I admit.  It has been hard to transition.  There are so many things that I dwell on and it is all happening so FAST.

Ok .... here is where I posted a paragraph reflecting on what I am going to miss when he leaves in a couple months.  I deleted it.  I refuse to reflect on what I am going to miss and focus on the good.  Besides, tears this late at night do nothing more than give me a headache and a stuffed up nose.

He graduated!  I have a kid that is a college freshman.  That blows my mind!  He is moving into an apartment with some buddies in August and while the transition will be hard on my heart - and I apologize for those that are in my life and have to deal with my depression (I promise it will be short, just give me a moment) - I know he is going to be successful. 

I was just telling Matt that I sometimes think how amazing my kids truly are.  They are really good kids.  They are smart, funny, good temperaments (for the most part, haha), well rounded and thinkers.  Considering that the first 10/8 years of their lives was a mess, I am truly grateful for the way they have matured and grown.

While I will miss him terribly, I know that good things are in store for him.  It is taking everything in me to not blog about what I will miss.  However, it is late and I don't want to cry at the moment.  Lord knows I have done enough of that here lately.

There are some days that I am excited for the future.  I am excited to see where he ends up, how he succeeds, who he marries and what my grandchildren will look like.  I am excited to do some things I have wanted to do but held back to ensure he succeeded. Then there are days where it feels like I cannot bear the ache that permeates my soul. It is an ache of mourning, as odd as that sounds. 

I know I will miss him but that isn't the only reason I feel the way I do.  I do not like change.  At all.  And in the next two years, everything is being turned upside down.  I am going to go from being a mother and having my kids as my best friends to being a mother - alone.  I know, I know....they are not far.  They are always my kids.  I still have Matt.  They will come home from time to time...yadda yadda.  I have heard it all.  It doesn't change the fact that I will miss them.  And telling me that "all parents go through this" doesn't help either.  I know that they do.  But I haven't and this is all new to me.

So, while I am utterly thrilled with the path Caleb is taking (going to Purdue in the fall), I will miss him terribly.  So those that are in my circle, just bear with me.  Don't offer words of encouragement.  Don't hug me and say it will be alright.  The best thing you can do....is just let me be.

With that said, congratulations Caleb!  I am so very, VERY proud of you!  I love you more than words can express and wish you nothing but the best.

Always remember.....

I am your biggest fan.

Happy Birthday, Baby...

So another year has rolled around.  Today is my daughter's birthday.  She is 17 years old.

Say what?!  How, on God's green earth, am I old enough to have a 17 year old and an almost 19 year old?  Is this real life??

T'is true.  Almost to the hour, 17 years ago my daughter was born.  She was born via scheduled C-section.  Going into it, I figured it would be a piece of cake.  My son's was.  Boy was I wrong.  I was miserable, sick, in and out of consciousness and didn't even get to hold her until about 12 hours after she was born.  Little did I know then that was a foreshadowing of her personality.

She was 9 pounds 7 ounces of perfection.  She had so much hair that I could put it into a bow and brush it.  Her little round face was all squishy and kissable.  Ugh, I can't stand it now that I think about it.

She was a cute toddler too.  She had such a sweet, tiny voice and when she got excited she would hop up and down and her voice would go an octave only dogs could hear.  She had a speech impediment that was a form of verbal dyslexia.  She would switch letters in words around or omit them all together.  For example, she would say an "r" instead of a "b".  When she said the world "like", she omitted the "l" entirely.  We would affectionately call it "Chey-nese".  No one could understand her except us and even then there were times I had to ask her brother what she was saying.  I can remember her getting so frustrated with us.  It wasn't until she started school and took 3 years of therapy before she could speak properly and even today there are times she stumbles over her words.

She loved her pacifier......dear Lord, we made many midnight trips to Walmart or the drug store because a screaming toddler couldn't find her "nuk".  She had it until she was almost 4 years old.  She would talk to me and I remember saying - "Cheyenne, take the nuk out."  She would and then say what she needed to before popping it back into her mouth.

She loved playing in the dryer, loved Blue's Clues, loved Teletubbies (LaLa - which she called Ya-Ya, was her fave), loved to play hide-and-seek, love to dance and sing.

I miss that.

She has grown into an amazing young woman.  She is smart and witty, still loves to dance and sing and has a heart of gold.  Does she have attitude?  Dear Lord she has enough to span the globe, but that is what can be expected from a teenage girl. (haha).

Going into her senior year this fall, she has felt a calling to become a missionary.  She plans to go to a missionary school before being placed in the field.  This freaks me out a little bit.  Granted, I want her to do amazing things and have amazing adventures....and of course do what God lays on her heart......but going to college is one thing.  I am dealing with that currently with my son and trying to get a handle on my emotions.  However, to go to another country?!  That's prosperous!  I can't jump and get her when she cries because she is homesick, I can't rush to her when she has something coming against her and I can't sit and watch a movie with her wrapped up in blankets.  Skype will be my friend.  It will be hard and it freaks me out but I have to be strong and encouraging.

She has so much to offer the world.  She is not afraid to be her own person.  She colors her hair extreme colors (it is currently teal), wears clothes that make me question her sanity and dances like no one is watching.  She has a heart for all animals and if I let her, I am pretty sure I would own every stray animal we see.  She loves photography and old typewriters.  She loves Disney and isn't afraid to show it.  She would rather watch cartoons than anything else.  She gets excited over the small things and isn't afraid to make plans with her momma.

Now that I think about it, we could learn a lot from her.....

It has been a rough 17 years.  I was 21 and had a baby and a toddler and no clue what I was doing.  I was getting out of one marriage and into another.  I was heavily into drugs and alcohol the first 8 years of her life.  If it wasn't for her, it would have taken me a lot longer to find Christ....if at all.  Life wasn't easy, I was young......but I did the best I could and I think that is pretty dang good.  I have two amazing kids - one going to Purdue this fall and one wanting to become a missionary.  I never worry about where they are and they aren't afraid to come hang out with me.

I am going to miss them.  Terribly.

Enough of that!  Today is a day of celebration!!!!  So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHEYENNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Today we shall eat cake and go to the mall!!!

My prayer for you is that you follow your heart, seek after God and live a life with no regrets.  Enjoy the moment and never lose that child-like innocence.  Love with your whole heart and only give it away to the one you know that God has given you.  Be strong and courageous and know that I am your number 1 fan.

Love you!

3rd bday

getting baptized, 8 yrs old

silly monkey, 1 year old

camping, 5 yrs old

in her favorite place with her favorite things, 2 yrs old

1 day old

buddies