Who woulda' thunk it?

I just got home today after being gone for ten days.  The kids and I went to Florida with my mom and her husband.  Matt had to stay behind.  Now, while I did enjoy the Florida weather, I missed Matt terribly. 

I know that seems silly when I am a grown woman, for pete's sake!  Nonetheless, it is true.  I had been in Florida merely two days and my heart already ached for him.  I missed everything about him.  I would text him frequently and called just to hear his voice.

We have been together 15 years and married almost 14.  We have never been apart more than a day or two so this was quite an adventure.  I was so anxious to come home that I almost didn't enjoy the beautiful sunshine and the lounging by the pool.  I don't think my mom understood how much I missed Matt and mistook it for not wanting to be there. 

Matt has been there through some rough times.  He is the only person, other than God Himself, that knows everything about me.   When I feel like I have no one or that the world is against me, I know that he is on my side.  It is comforting to know that. 

I have been married once before.  That was a young, girlish mistake however I did get a wonderful son out of it.  But that wasn't love.  That was, for better lack of words, stupidity.  Matt and I - we are the real deal.

I guess what it boils down to is this - girls, don't just give your heart away.  We, as girls, are emotional creatures.  We always think we have to have someone by our sides.  It dates back to Adam and Eve.  Woman has never been alone.  She was created to be by a man's side.  Therefore, we get this mentality that we have to have someone so we will take anyone.  Not true!  God has specifically designed someone for you.  He has created your Prince Charming.  He has molded him and made him so that when you two meet, it is like you are two halves of the same person.

When you give away your heart flippantly, you give away a piece of you.  Each time you get hurt a little more and a little more and it begins to callouse and scar.  You feel like damaged goods and you don't ever feel good enough until it gets to the point that you will take anyone because you feel undeserving of God's best.

I made mistakes.  I got my heart trampled on and mistreated.  It created such scar tissue that it took my husband years....YEARS....to finally break through it to find the healing.  He was who God had designed for me.  He was the one willing to fight through the brokeness and the hurt to find a fresh mending.

So girls, when you feel you are ready to date someone....look at them and think to yourself - "Is he the one I will marry?"   It sounds creepy, but I assure you it isn't.  You deserve God's best pick for you.  If you go into a relationship knowing that God orchastrated it just for you, the love you will have for your husband will be so much stronger.  Then, you can be a 35 year old woman missing her husband so badly that she wanted to hop on a Greyhound and go home!

So I guess it is true what they say -"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."   Who woulda' thunk it? 

Like mother....like daughter

Well, it is 4:30 in the morning and I sit here wide awake.  It isn't that uncommon as I suffer from weird sleeping patterns.  One week I can sleep great....the next, hardly at all.  So, while I stare at the computer screen I decided to blog since I might not get to for a week and a half.  *gasp*

The problem with being up this late is that many thoughts dance around in my head.  Some random, some not so much.  But they all taunt me and keep my mind in constant motion making it difficult for it to shut down.  It also makes it difficult to blog because so many ideas course through my noggin.  However, with a trip to Florida steadily approaching, my thoughts go to my mother.  Florida...mother....you may wonder how I am making that connection.  We are leaving Thursday (by we, I mean me and the kids) to drive down to Florida with my mom and her husband, Bob.

My mother has been a great influence in my life.  She had a hard upbringing, more so than most and yet she still persevered.  Not to give to much detail (because I don't want her to be uncomfortable about this post), she was in a car accident when she was 16.  She was thrown from the vehicle and laid in a snowy embankment for hours until help arrived.  She spent many months in the hospital, some of it in a coma while she healed.  As a result of the accident, she had to be in a wheelchair for a year and learn to walk all over again.  She developed frost-bite on her foot and crushed hips which, in turn, caused one leg to be shorter than the other.  While this may seem trivial since it happened so long ago, I assure you it's not.  It just makes her that much more of an inspiration. 

My dad was disabled due to emphysema (from smoking) and my mom supported 5 kids on a CNA's salary.  She worked hard to provide the best she could.  My dad was an author and wrote free-lance and received money here and there but the main income was from my mom.  She would work many hours, sometimes 16 at a time, while her body ached in pain from the remnance of a past accident.  Yes, she is truly the strongest woman I know. I look back now and think how amazing she was in every aspect of our lives growing up.

She was my best friend.  And while I am married and my husband has taken on that role, she is still my best friend.  Growing up, I was the youngest of the brood and my dad seemed to be a bit more controlling of me, therefore I couldn't have any friends or hang out with anyone outside of school.  In turn, my mom became my best friend.  If I went shopping - it was with her.  If I went to a movie - it was with her.  If she was off on a weekday, I would leave a note for her to wait to go anywhere until I got home because I wanted to go.  I wanted to spend time with her.  I still enjoy spending time with her.

In my senior year, when I was 17, my dad passed away.  The details are not to be disclosed on here at this time (perhaps at a later time when I feel it is necessary) but when he passed, my mother showed a weakness I was not accustomed to.  I didn't feel mournful because my dad had just passed - I felt mournful because my mother was hurting.

She has overcome some amazing hurdles in her life.  She has come from a checkered past littered with abuse, injury, death and loneliness.  She has face hardships and struggles that I have never had to endure.

She has since found happiness among all the tragedies.  She has married an amazing guy that loves her so passionately that it makes my heart smile.  She has retired and just gets to enjoy life.  She deserves it more than any person I know.

So, I am excited to spend this time with her coming up.  My kids are excited.  I want them to make memories that they will remember for years to come and that they can share with their children.  My kids love my mom. They love her crazy antics and her candy and cookies as well as her teasing and laughter.

As I think about my mom, I merely sigh contently and I pray that I can be half the woman she is.  Someone that loves faithfully, someone that works hard without complaint, someone that looks at a mountain and knows she can overcome it (though it may take her a little longer, she will get it done - her words, not mine!), and someone that has left such a strong impact on her children that they strive to become better people.

I love you, mom.  Hope you are ready for us to invade your vacation time - haha!

Not your grandmother's music....

Screamo.

Heavy Metal.

Hardcore.

Country.

Rap.

Gospel.

Contemporary Christian.

Opera.

Showtunes.

.....shall I go on?

There are many genres of music out there.  I just got back a little bit ago from a local show.  My son is part of a band that is not for everyone, that's for sure.  It is hardcore, Christian music.  *gasp*   There is such a thing?!?!?!?!

Yes, there is....

Many people have said that they don't see how music that is growling, screaming and causing people to hit each other (moshing, slam dancing, etc) is glorifying God.  As I stood in the basement of a stuffy church, I watched my son and my two nephews (as well as two other members) scream and yell.  I am so proud of them.  They express their love for God through this type of music.  You may not understand the words (not because they aren't good vocalist but rather some of us are old - lol), but make no mistake that their lyrics do honor God.

We are not all alike.  We are such a wondrous variety for God.  He made us with our own personalities, our own likes, dislikes.  He made us DIFFERENT.  So while you may want to wince and cover your ears, these young men are reaching a genre of people that a hymnal generation will never reach.

The Bible states in Psalm 98:4 - "Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music; make music to the Lord with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing, with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn, shout for joy before the Lord, the King."

It says to shout!  blast into song!  with trumpets! blast the ram's horn!  shout for joy!   That sounds like a party to me!  There are many Bible references throughout that tell us to shout for joy, sing loudly, beat the tambourine - give praises to the King!

If you prefer to worship to contemporary Christian or even the good ole country hymns, that is perfectly fine.  However, the screaming and growling that these bands do in the name of the Lord is no different.

The other day, I was watching my son play the drums for our youth worship team.  I watched his mannerisms, his expressions and his movements.  He is a loud drummer and doesn't hold back and sometimes people are 'put off' by that. But as I sat there and watched him, I was struck with a realization that I hadn't had before.  There, behind the drum shield, as he beat the snot out of those drums - he was worshiping God.  He was in that intimate place where it was just God and him.  Wow.

So before you cast a stone and say that these bands are not Christian or not for God, perhaps you should take a closer listen and even go a step further and talk to these young people after a show.  It won't take long before you realize that their hearts are sold out for God.....

L-R: Noah, Justin, Caleb, Kerry, and Caleb

The Way of All Flesh
(check them out on Facebook!)

Caleb beating the skins 

(he sings clean vocals for TWoAF and now does drums for the student worship team)

It's just a bird....

My husband, Matt, is afraid of birds.  Yes, I said it - birds.  He doesn't like them and doesn't want to be near them.  I find this amusing and have been trying to convince him to take us to a bird sanctuary in TN next month.  Overcome your fears, Matt....overcome.

However, I sit here and think of the course of the past weekend.  It is funny how I went from one extreme to the other (emotionally).  I guess I should start from the beginning of sorts because I can see this not making any sense to any other but me.

A few weeks ago, Matt's work car died on the Interstate.  It was a clunker but dependable and came in handy considering I do a lot of running with the kids being in after-school things and with the church.  Matt goes into work at 10pm so you can see how not having a second vehicle dampers things.  It's like having a curfew.  "No, I can't stay.  I have to be home by 10."

So, needless to say we couldn't get a way to get the car home and in reality it wasn't really worth a tow home especially since we weren't sure if it was even fixable.  By the time we were able to borrow a trailer to get it home - they towed it.  Blah.  Again, not worth paying to get it home therefore we just signed it over.

Now we have one vehicle.  I was okay with that. Having a second vehicle isn't a necessity - it's a luxury.  Besides, we had a dependable vehicle.  So, we were okay really.   It started to be a hindrance though and those thoughts of "we will be fine with one car...done it before" started to diminish and replaced with "having one vehicle sucks".  It was one of those - you never realize how much you needed it until it was gone - kinda things.

So we checked around on getting a second vehicle even though we really didn't want a payment.  The money wasn't there to put down on a new/used car really.  So we canceled a fall vacation to put the money down on a cheaper vacation this summer, so we could seriously look for a new vehicle.

Well, this past weekend our moods stunk.  No joke.  We were just in a pit of despair that we couldn't claw out of.  It wasn't because of the car or anything like that.  It was just we were at a point where we were evaluating a lot of things.  We have been for awhile but we were truly questioning our purpose.  We began to doubt and get frustrated.  Now before anyone screams ENEMY (aka the devil), I want to clarify that while he may try to pervert our thoughts...they weren't from him.  Everyone evaluates their position in life from time to time.  That's how we grow.  That's how we see the big picture and see the footsteps in the sand that we need to follow.  Matt and I don't take these thoughts lightly.  We always petition them through prayer and seek counsel from the Almighty.   It doesn't mean that we are jumping on a plane and going to New Guinea to live in a tent and preach the gospel to tribes that have bones through their noses and eat rats.  No, it just means we want more.....and with God it should always be that.  One should never be content.

Sorry, got off track.  That happens a lot and to be fair - I did warn you with my first blog post that sometimes I am scatter brained.  So if you are still reading, it's your own fault if you are scratching your head and saying - "huh?"

Well, I went to church yesterday and felt so empty.  I know, right?  The best place to get filled is the church but I didn't feel like any filling was going to happen.  I just felt like I was going through the motions.  That is when I start questioning things (ok, that might be the enemy).   I just had a heavy heart.

I went into the office as I normally do on a Sunday morning to check to see if there was any mail for us and to make copies.  There was an envelope and I knew what was inside because it is the same every week - or so I thought.  I opened it and there was what I expected ..... then nestled beside it was something else.  As I slowly pulled it out, I realize it is a check.  Ok, cool.  We have been anonymously blessed before with a few bucks here and there.  We are so grateful for whatever God throws our way.  But as my eyes scan the check, wondering who or even why anyone was giving us money, I looked at the memo and it read - VEHICLE.  My eyes slowly lifted to the amount and my jaw dropped.  I won't say how much or who signed the check because that is between us and God (and the donor).....but I will say that it was enough to put a down payment on a vehicle.

As I stood there, alone in that office, staring down at a check - I couldn't help but hyperventilate a little and then thought if someone came in there, they might call 911.  So I got my breathing in check and the tears fell down my cheeks as I thanked God.  Moments earlier I was questioning everything in my life.  Matt and I both were wanting to cash in our chips and leave while the getting was good (now if anyone from my church is reading this - that statement is figurative, not literal!  Don't panic!).  And yet, even though I was miffed at God and was feeling no embrace from Him and maybe even feeling as though He had left me to my own demise - here He overlooked my feelings of inadequate and blessed us anyway.

People within the church have said they were praying for a second vehicle for us.  I would politely say 'thanks' and while I appreciate it, I never prayed for one myself.  Silly, isn't it?  I just never looked at it like a priority.  And it really isn't a priority.  That is what is so awesome about God.  He supplied a luxury because He knew it would make our lives easier.  He knew we would be less stressed and He knew that we would be more productive within the ministry.  Wow, God.  You are awesome - kudos!

So as I sit here and type this, I am not doing so to make you think - "Wow, good for her."  I don't want you to think I am any better than you.  I don't want you to think that you aren't doing something right so God isn't going to bless you.  That is not my intention.  The purpose of this is to give hope.  Amidst my whining, my broken-heartedness, my anger, my selfishness, my hypocracy - yes, I have those things at times - amidst all of that, God heard the prayers of those that care about us.  Those that prayed for us when we had no desire to pray for ourselves.....He heard them.

So it brings me back to the birds.  I bet you were thinking that the beginning of this blog was quite random considering the writings, eh?  Well it brings me to the book of Matthew in the Bible.

Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV) reads - "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs of your head are numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

Now let me set the scene - Jesus is about to send his disciples out into the world and he knows they will face adversity and hostile environments.  The disciples know this too!  So, Jesus tells them this verse.  What is the significance?   Sparrows were sold for half a penny, two for one penny.  They were the cheapest food you could buy in market.  It is like ordering off the dollar menu.  A camel could be bought and used for travel, a sheep could be used for wool, an ox for plowing - but a sparrow?  It is showing our value we give for these small birds.  They were of little value and the poorest could buy the little creatures to gnaw on their bones.

We, as humans, have a devaluation life.  We place in our heads who is more important than others.  We see an actor and we go insane over them and would do anything just to say we touched them.  Yet we pass a homeless person on the side of the road and we do everything in our power to avoid eye contact.  We place a value on life.

Jesus is saying here, that if one of them fell, the Father would care. That the sparrow would not fall out of the Father's reach.  God looks at the sparrow - at life in general - with a different eye than we do.  He notices when the smallest creature falls.  And even though they fall, he doesn't catch them all.  Sometimes He has to let them fall.  Just like Jesus didn't promise that the disciples weren't going to face persecution or that we wouldn't be hurt or fall.....but He did say that He notices and amidst the pain, we shouldn't be afraid.

As the scripture says - he knows how many hairs are on your head.  He knows you better than you know yourself.  Jesus then says - (paraphrase) If our heavenly father cares so much about the sparrow - how much more does he care for us?  Wow.

So I type this experience to first give Glory to God and to thank him for caring for me.  However, I also post it to give others hope.  God has not forgotten you or your circumstance.  He doesn't promise He will always catch you.  Sometimes in order to walk, we have to fall a few times.....He does promise to be there for you and that there is no need to fear.

So the sparrow - it isn't just a bird.  It is a creation of the King of Kings.  It is a creation of the Creator of the universe.  It is a creation made by the same God that knitted us in our mother's wombs.

No...it isn't just a bird.

I am not much of a runner...

Sometimes I face hurdles that I cannot jump over.  I stand there looking at them like they are the walls of Jericho - seemingly impassable.  I stand there, looking at it as if it will magically move aside and let me pass on my own accord.  Sadly, this has yet to happen.

I look around and expect God to just pluck me up and lift me over it and set me safely on the other side and while He has done this on occasion; it is a rare occurance.  So, I do what any other red-blooded American would do - I whine.

I stand there and complain about my situation.  I complain about how distant God is.  Over and over I say - "I don't know what to do." or "I am doing everything I can." Or even "It's not my fault."  But in reality, it is exactly my fault.  I stand there and look at the hurdle before me and don't even attempt to jump over it.  I don't even attempt to take a few steps back and get a running start.

I.
Don't.
Even.
Try.

Why is it when things are going good you just want to shout it from the rooftops?  You just want to tell everyone you pass - "God is good."  And yet, when the parched desert feeling returns (and I say return because it is a familiar feeling that has once set up camp before), we want to crawl into a hole and pull the sand over top of us and tell the world how life sucks.  We have a moment where we feel empty and we want to lay down and die.  We never get up and reach forward with both hands and cry out - "Here I am Lord, fill my cup!"  God has promised us that He would take care of us.  His Word (aka the Bible) tells us that He doesn't stop the storms from coming.....He just gives us the power to withstand them.

So, as I sit here and ponder on how the seasons in my life are changing, I ask myself - am I where I can be the most effective?  Am I doing all I can to be productive on this earth?  I have big plans.  I see the big picture.  I always say - "If I won the lottery!" or "If I had the money..."  Is my God not big enough to supply all my needs?  If it is His will, He will make a way.  So, dream big!  However, take a step back.  Are you missing pivotal moments in life because you are waiting on that BAM moment?  Don't sit idle and say that you are destined to change the world with some astronomical ideas.  While that may be true - you are missing your moments to change the world RIGHT NOW.

So, with a heavy sigh....I step back to evaluate.  I love feeling the intimacy of God.  I love His embrace; there is none more comforting.  I go to prayer night and am just soaked in His presence and yet several days later it feels as if I have been lost in the desert for 40 years - dry and barren.  It isn't anyone's fault but my own.  I go to prayer or church or whatever and the spirit is so intense I think I am going to burst (if you don't know what I am talking about - it's a GOOD feeling).  God meets me there.  But the rest of the time, He sits patiently asking Himself - when is SHE going to meet ME?

Wow.

I picture God sitting up there with his legion of angels and Jesus at the right hand.  He is waiting anxiously and watches as I go about my day.  Then I go to bed and think - I should pray.  So I start out - "Dear Heavenly Father".....God taps Jesus and smiles - "Here she is.  She has met with me.  It is our time.  She has set aside time to spend with me."  Then I say a quick prayer and go to sleep and God just lets out a sigh and says "Tomorrow."

How can I expect God to fill my cup and to meet with me if I don't take the time to meet with Him?  No relationship ever works on a one-way street.  But our God is a merciful and gracious God and when we seek Him, truly seek Him, heaven meets earth.

So, as I look at the hurdles that seem to be placed in the middle of a sun-scorched land....I think that I can't do it on my own.  I am not much of a runner.  However, I want to meet God.  I want to put forth the effort to show Him I am serious about who I am in Him.

I guess I better do a few stretches and get on my running shoes......here I come, God.

Giving this a whirl....

I have been debating on if I should or should not create a blog to share my thoughts with the world.  I struggled back and forth with the idea, toying with it.  On one hand, I enjoy writing and throwing my thoughts down on paper....yet on the other hand I was afraid my opinionated OCD would leak through.
I guess this is proof that I decided to give it a go!  What will this blog entail?  Your guess is as good as mine.  My mind is so cluttered with random thoughts, facts, quips and ideas that one week I may post about my cat and the next week post about how much I hate mushrooms.  You can never tell.  This should make for an interesting read, yes?

One thing is for certain....many of my posts will reflect my love of Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I may have an 'off' day and that love seems strained but believe me when I say I am so in love with Jesus that sometimes I think my heart will explode.  As messy as that sounds - it is true.  So, I am hoping to post once a week - sometimes more but hopefully never less.

I just hope I don't stick my foot in my mouth TOO much.