My husband, Matt, is afraid of birds. Yes, I said it - birds. He doesn't like them and doesn't want to be near them. I find this amusing and have been trying to convince him to take us to a bird sanctuary in TN next month. Overcome your fears, Matt....overcome.
However, I sit here and think of the course of the past weekend. It is funny how I went from one extreme to the other (emotionally). I guess I should start from the beginning of sorts because I can see this not making any sense to any other but me.
A few weeks ago, Matt's work car died on the Interstate. It was a clunker but dependable and came in handy considering I do a lot of running with the kids being in after-school things and with the church. Matt goes into work at 10pm so you can see how not having a second vehicle dampers things. It's like having a curfew. "No, I can't stay. I have to be home by 10."
So, needless to say we couldn't get a way to get the car home and in reality it wasn't really worth a tow home especially since we weren't sure if it was even fixable. By the time we were able to borrow a trailer to get it home - they towed it. Blah. Again, not worth paying to get it home therefore we just signed it over.
Now we have one vehicle. I was okay with that. Having a second vehicle isn't a necessity - it's a luxury. Besides, we had a dependable vehicle. So, we were okay really. It started to be a hindrance though and those thoughts of "we will be fine with one car...done it before" started to diminish and replaced with "having one vehicle sucks". It was one of those - you never realize how much you needed it until it was gone - kinda things.
So we checked around on getting a second vehicle even though we really didn't want a payment. The money wasn't there to put down on a new/used car really. So we canceled a fall vacation to put the money down on a cheaper vacation this summer, so we could seriously look for a new vehicle.
Well, this past weekend our moods stunk. No joke. We were just in a pit of despair that we couldn't claw out of. It wasn't because of the car or anything like that. It was just we were at a point where we were evaluating a lot of things. We have been for awhile but we were truly questioning our purpose. We began to doubt and get frustrated. Now before anyone screams ENEMY (aka the devil), I want to clarify that while he may try to pervert our thoughts...they weren't from him. Everyone evaluates their position in life from time to time. That's how we grow. That's how we see the big picture and see the footsteps in the sand that we need to follow. Matt and I don't take these thoughts lightly. We always petition them through prayer and seek counsel from the Almighty. It doesn't mean that we are jumping on a plane and going to New Guinea to live in a tent and preach the gospel to tribes that have bones through their noses and eat rats. No, it just means we want more.....and with God it should always be that. One should never be content.
Sorry, got off track. That happens a lot and to be fair - I did warn you with my first blog post that sometimes I am scatter brained. So if you are still reading, it's your own fault if you are scratching your head and saying - "huh?"
Well, I went to church yesterday and felt so empty. I know, right? The best place to get filled is the church but I didn't feel like any filling was going to happen. I just felt like I was going through the motions. That is when I start questioning things (ok, that might be the enemy). I just had a heavy heart.
I went into the office as I normally do on a Sunday morning to check to see if there was any mail for us and to make copies. There was an envelope and I knew what was inside because it is the same every week - or so I thought. I opened it and there was what I expected ..... then nestled beside it was something else. As I slowly pulled it out, I realize it is a check. Ok, cool. We have been anonymously blessed before with a few bucks here and there. We are so grateful for whatever God throws our way. But as my eyes scan the check, wondering who or even why anyone was giving us money, I looked at the memo and it read - VEHICLE. My eyes slowly lifted to the amount and my jaw dropped. I won't say how much or who signed the check because that is between us and God (and the donor).....but I will say that it was enough to put a down payment on a vehicle.
As I stood there, alone in that office, staring down at a check - I couldn't help but hyperventilate a little and then thought if someone came in there, they might call 911. So I got my breathing in check and the tears fell down my cheeks as I thanked God. Moments earlier I was questioning everything in my life. Matt and I both were wanting to cash in our chips and leave while the getting was good (now if anyone from my church is reading this - that statement is figurative, not literal! Don't panic!). And yet, even though I was miffed at God and was feeling no embrace from Him and maybe even feeling as though He had left me to my own demise - here He overlooked my feelings of inadequate and blessed us anyway.
People within the church have said they were praying for a second vehicle for us. I would politely say 'thanks' and while I appreciate it, I never prayed for one myself. Silly, isn't it? I just never looked at it like a priority. And it really isn't a priority. That is what is so awesome about God. He supplied a luxury because He knew it would make our lives easier. He knew we would be less stressed and He knew that we would be more productive within the ministry. Wow, God. You are awesome - kudos!
So as I sit here and type this, I am not doing so to make you think - "Wow, good for her." I don't want you to think I am any better than you. I don't want you to think that you aren't doing something right so God isn't going to bless you. That is not my intention. The purpose of this is to give hope. Amidst my whining, my broken-heartedness, my anger, my selfishness, my hypocracy - yes, I have those things at times - amidst all of that, God heard the prayers of those that care about us. Those that prayed for us when we had no desire to pray for ourselves.....He heard them.
So it brings me back to the birds. I bet you were thinking that the beginning of this blog was quite random considering the writings, eh? Well it brings me to the book of Matthew in the Bible.
Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV) reads - "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Now let me set the scene - Jesus is about to send his disciples out into the world and he knows they will face adversity and hostile environments. The disciples know this too! So, Jesus tells them this verse. What is the significance? Sparrows were sold for half a penny, two for one penny. They were the cheapest food you could buy in market. It is like ordering off the dollar menu. A camel could be bought and used for travel, a sheep could be used for wool, an ox for plowing - but a sparrow? It is showing our value we give for these small birds. They were of little value and the poorest could buy the little creatures to gnaw on their bones.
We, as humans, have a devaluation life. We place in our heads who is more important than others. We see an actor and we go insane over them and would do anything just to say we touched them. Yet we pass a homeless person on the side of the road and we do everything in our power to avoid eye contact. We place a value on life.
Jesus is saying here, that if one of them fell, the Father would care. That the sparrow would not fall out of the Father's reach. God looks at the sparrow - at life in general - with a different eye than we do. He notices when the smallest creature falls. And even though they fall, he doesn't catch them all. Sometimes He has to let them fall. Just like Jesus didn't promise that the disciples weren't going to face persecution or that we wouldn't be hurt or fall.....but He did say that He notices and amidst the pain, we shouldn't be afraid.
As the scripture says - he knows how many hairs are on your head. He knows you better than you know yourself. Jesus then says - (paraphrase) If our heavenly father cares so much about the sparrow - how much more does he care for us? Wow.
So I type this experience to first give Glory to God and to thank him for caring for me. However, I also post it to give others hope. God has not forgotten you or your circumstance. He doesn't promise He will always catch you. Sometimes in order to walk, we have to fall a few times.....He does promise to be there for you and that there is no need to fear.
So the sparrow - it isn't just a bird. It is a creation of the King of Kings. It is a creation of the Creator of the universe. It is a creation made by the same God that knitted us in our mother's wombs.
No...it isn't just a bird.
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