Finding God in the midst of tragedy.....

Our nation mourns.

Friday morning, a 20 year old gunman entered a school in Newtown, Conneticut armed with a rifle and two pistols.  He gunned down 20 children ranging in age 5-7 years old as well as 6 woman after shooting and killing his mother in their home then turning the gun on himself - 28 victims total.  This is the second worst school shooting in our nation's history with Virginia Tech being number one with 32 deaths.

This is becoming an epidemic.

Not that long ago, we were shocked to hear of the "Batman" shooter.  Then shortly after, another man was arrested for having an arsenal in his trunk saying he was heading to a local theater.  When the blockbuster, Breaking Dawn 2 came out, there was word a man was planning a theater attack.  Just over the weekend, a man was arrested in my state, not that far from where I live and go to church, because he threatened to burn his wife and go on a shooting spree at the nearby school.  He had 47 guns in his home.  Saturday, during mass at the local church in Newtown, someone called and said "my friend didn't finish the job" and said he would.  This has got to stop. 

The media flashes the killer's face and name everywhere on tv, the internet, papers, radio, etc.--almost like he is a celebrity.  We know his story, his past, his family, his medical condition.....everything.  What about Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, James, Jesse, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Benjamin and Alison?  What about who they were?  What about their stories?

Perhaps if the media would just give the basic information about the killers and not "glorify" them, then others would not try to 'do one better'?  People with that mentality will see the publicity that one person gets and will then, in return, try to "up the ante" and create a shock circumstance to get their names sensationalized.

In 2010, China had an epidemic of men coming into schools, wielding cleavers and knives.  They would go in with the intent to do extensive harm.  Friday, the same day as Newtown's massacre, a man in China went into a school with a knife and injured 20 children.  I do not know his name or his background.  I just know of the incident.  Why?  Because China did not create a whirlwind publicity of the event or the assailant.  Since 2010, China has taken precautions against such attacks and while one occurred last week, they are now few and far between.  Perhaps we could learn a thing or two.

Then again, tragedy is what brings people together; it is what keeps us wanting more in some macabre way.  Tragedy is what keeps us gripped to our chairs, flipping through channels.  It is what keeps us browsing the internet for new information.  I admit I am one of these people.  I want to know everything there is to know.  Not because I am morbid but because the human mind fascinates me and I want to know what possesses someone to think that life is so messed up that massacring innocent children is okay.

I have heard Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the funerals of the victims.  Shame on you Westboro!  If this is true, then perhaps you should be directed to the Bible that you are staking your claim to justify your actions --".......whoever gloats over disaster will not go unpunished." -Proverbs 17:5.  The fact that they call themselves a church leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I have heard some say that we need to put God back into the schools.  God has never left the schools.  He is there as He has always been.  Jesus, Himself, said he would never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  God was there last Friday amidst the sorrow and tragedy just like He was there in the Garden of Eden, when Cain killed Abel, with Daniel in the lion's den, with Judas' treacherous kiss....with Jesus on the cross.  

God did not do this.....God did not create this sinful world.  

We did.

He created us with a plan in mind and gave us free will.  It was our own free will and our own arrogance that created the world we live in.  God knew what we would do, I have no doubt because He is all knowing....however, even though he knew what Eve would do once tempted....He hoped she wouldn't. 

This world is going to be full of hurt, tragedy and sorrow.  It will continue to be a cesspool of negativity and heart ache until the moment when Jesus returns.  We can merely learn from the circumstances we are thrust into.  Learn to love a little more, care a little more, hate a little less......to come together as a nation and help those hurting and hope that if we face devastation, the favor would be returned.  We can pray for the families affected and pray for the killer's family.  They are going through this devastation as well - they lost family too.

Lastly, gun control.  I admit I hate guns.  My dad had them growing up.  I don't want to hold one, I don't want to shoot one....I dislike them.  With that being said, I am not naive.  I do not think guns are the issue.  We can take them away all we want but if someone wants a gun - they will find a way to get it.  Guns will not eliminate violence.  Cain killed Abel with a rock because his drive to do so was so consuming that he was out to kill his brother with whatever means necessary (Genesis 4).  He could have planned it and had wielded a knife or something that would have done the job easier.  However, being consumed with jealousy and rage, he did the deed with the nearest object.   Hitler used gas.....everyday people are creating bombs, fire, gases, chemicals, etc.......you can take away the guns all you want but if someone has the mindset to create chaos --- they will find a way.

With all this being said, I do not fear for my life or my children's.  I refuse to live in fear.  God says we do not have the spirit of fear.  It is what it is.  I will rejoice in the victories and mourn in the sorrow.  I will look for the good in all circumstances.  

While this event has broken my heart, it will not be the last of its kind.  The scales are in the balance, dangerously on the verge of tipping.  What will be the final grain of sand that causes the scale to tip?  What will be the final event that causes Jesus to look at the Father and ask "is it time?" and the Father to look back with a resounding "YES"? 

It will continue to get worse.  It has since Eve took that first bite.  Our world was then destined to die.  We have to look at the big picture.  While things will inevitably get worse, Jesus is still King.  He will return and bring righteousness.  He will return in all His glory and take us to the place He has prepared where there will be no more sorrow, no more pain and no more tears.  A place we will be reunited with loved ones.  A place where I will sit at the feet of Jesus and a place where I can rush to my earthly father who has passed on and hug him and say "I made it!".  It will be a place of constant joy, saturated with praises and love......a place where the mothers will be reunited with their children. 

I, for one, cannot wait.  Jesus....come swiftly.

Sometimes the holidays aren't that merry.....

I used to think Christmas wasn't as magical once the kids had gotten older.  Granted, they still enjoy the season and we still do traditions that we started when they were younger but it has lost the wonderment of a child's imagination.

However, a few years ago, I kept thinking that mentality and it started putting me in a funk for the holidays.  I started to grumble, hate to go shopping, snarled at the Christmas music blaring in every store and just wasn't showing the love of Jesus when people needed it the most.  I was just a Scrooge.

I then made up my mind that I would not be like that.  I would make an effort to enjoy the season.  I would smile when others were frowning, I would hum Christmas tunes as I maneuvered my cart past rude customers like I was in the Indy 500.  I would put the Christmas tree up with joy and I refused to stress over gifts.  I would bring the cheer back.

I found that, with this mentality, the holidays were a pleasure to welcome in.  It made the laughter a little more hearty.  It made the memories a little more special.  It was what Christmas was truly intended for.

Last year that changed, or it tried to.  My family didn't get together due to some differences.  While I still celebrated Christmas with my brother, it just wasn't the same no matter how hard I pretended it was.  We still made wonderful memories at home with our kids and we even had a divine visitation which will never be forgotten.  However.....it just wasn't the same.  Despite that, I still put on the Christmas cheer and made it a fun season, regardless.

So here I sit.  As soon as Thanksgiving was over and the calender flipped to December, I have been in such a poor state of mind that I can not seem to find where I misplaced my joy.  No matter how hard I tried....I would consciously try to get to that joyful state of how amazing God is and He sent his son - that was the true meaning of Christmas.  And yet, I would linger there for a moment only to have the dark cloud creep back in.

I miss my dad.

That was where it stemmed from.  The 22nd of this month marks 20 years ago that my dad was diagnosed with only 2 months to live.  His birthday is the 18th.  I always feel I have to tell Matt that.  On the 18th I will tell Matt "Today is my dad's birthday" just as I have done the past 16 years.  I am unsure why this year is harder than the previous.  Perhaps it truly isn't and just seems that way.  Whatever the case, I find myself thinking of him often and when no one is around, I shed a tear or two.

I think of how Christmas was a holiday that my dad loved.  He enjoyed getting on the floor with the grandkids (he only had a short time with them).  He laughed harder than he ever had all year; his eyes held a sparkle that his illness robbed him of the other 11 months out of the year.  He ate until he couldn't eat anymore and enjoyed the food without getting sick.   He would steal pieces of turkey as my mom would turn her back and he would enjoy cookies dipped in his coffee.  I remember him sitting in his recliner and just watching the room as if he was trying to burn that moment into his memory.

There were many Christmases that my dad spent it in the hospital.  He was prone to pneumonia, bronchitis and other afflicting illnesses.  When asked what are some of my favorite Christmas memories, there are very few.  However, the ones I do I have, I cherish.

This year will be no different than last.  We will go to my brother's and spend it with him and his family.  While I love my brother dearly and enjoy his company......it isn't the same.  I can't help but think how my dad would not allow this.  No matter what disputes we had; no matter what differences we shared....he made us put them aside if only for one day of the year.  I know, deep in my heart, this is the way it should be.  Forgiveness should mend my heart.  But it is so hard.  It is hard to pretend as if nothing happened.  It is hard to put my kids in a situation where they are uncomfortable.  We recently were privy to new information that would make the situation even MORE uncomfortable.  So while I danced with the idea of contacting everyone to get together, I decided not to.

That is another thing that makes my heart heavy.  I was always the one to contact everyone to get them together.  If I do not contact anyone, I won't hear from them.  That hurts my heart deeply because it feels as if I am not important to them.  I often wonder if I even cross their mind as much as they jog through mine?

I am trying to be joyful and merry this year because it isn't fair to my family and those around me to be in such a funk.  However, I admit I am having a hard time overcoming.  I am typically a pretty strong person so this time is making me not only melancholy but angry at myself for feeling this way.

I know God is a restorer and I know that He is close to the brokenhearted.  I know all the right things and I know the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy....I know.  However, knowing it and trying to grasp the reality of it when you feel like you are drowning are two entirely different things. 

I will persevere.  I will come out better than the way I went in, however right now I am just sad.  I am sad on so many levels that it makes my heart so heavy I fear it will drop to the bottom of my stomach.

The only thing I know to do is sit at the feet of Jesus.....and sometimes that is even hard to do.  I know He is there for me and wants to carry my burdens and heal my heart but I feel like restoration is so far from reach that my arms will get tired before I touch the hem of His garment.

As many of you read this, do not feel pity for me.  Do not think that I need to 'get over it'.  I will get over it but right now, it is hard as I sit and miss my dad and wish he was here.  When people lose loved ones, I never give them empty promises that it will get better.  While SOME days are better; you never truly stop hurting.  Some days I hurt so much that I feel like the pain is still raw.  There are other days when I cannot wait to get to heaven just to see my dad.  And yet there are other days when I feel sorrow that I didn't cherish what time I did have because I was being a stupid, rebellious teenager. 

So, while everyone is out shopping and enjoying their time with their loved ones and friends---remember that behind some eyes there is the pain the holidays bring; behind some smiles is a heartache that will never heal.  Be sympathetic and offer love to those that need it even when they say they are 'fine'.

My dad sitting on the floor while my niece, Chantel, thanks him for the gift.  These are the moments I cherish.

When I am weak; He is strong....

 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  - Galatians 6:9

This is one of my favorite scriptures.  I hold fast to this on many occasions, remembering God's promises.

When I first went to the altar to get saved (a term used by Christians when one accepts Jesus into their lives), God spoke very clearly to my heart.  He told me I would work with youth in some capacity.  So, as soon as I accepted Jesus, I jumped right into the ministry.  At the church I was saved in, Matt and I both stepped into the youth.  Even though it was for a short time before we moved on, we still built a couple bonds that are strong today.

That was over 7 years ago and I am still in youth ministry.  At first it was fun, lots of laughs and good times.  However, as the years progressed it became even harder.  There were more tears than laughter.  There was more pain than rejoicing.  There was more anger than love.  It became HARD. 

I am not going to lie - I had thought about quitting on more than one occasion.  I didn't know if I could handle the roller coaster of emotions I had to deal with, not just with the youth but within myself.  I am a very empathetic person.  When someone hurts, I hurt.  When someone feels grief, I grieve.  It is something I cannot help.  Let me tell you......this young generation is hurting.  Hurting so terribly that they need a healer.  They are searching for something to fill the void; mend the hole.....unfortunately, they are looking in all the wrong places so we, as mentors, need to teach them that there is only one way to fix it - Jesus.

I think society thinks of youth ministry as a fun ministry where you play silly games, eat lots of junk food and lay around telling corny jokes.  While this is part of youth ministry, it is such a small part.  People don't see you sitting in a room while a young girl cries because she has been sexually abused.  People don't see you up all night worried about a teen that just text you about his/her cutting addiction.  People don't see you stressed because one of your teens hasn't been in youth for a few weeks and you know they have a reckless behavior.  People don't see you holding a teen that just needs to cry because they feel worthless.  People don't see you crying with a young girl/boy who feels lonely in a crowded room.  People don't see your heart broken when someone you have poured into rejects you.  People don't see the tears of sadness you shed when one of your youth goes onto college.  People don't see you in the store, deciding what is the best gift to get one of your youth that is away and misses everyone.......everyone who never texts to check up on him/her.   People don't see you trying to stay awake at 3 in the morning because a youth wants to just talk because they are lonely and have no one else to talk to.  People don't see your meal getting cold on the counter because someone sent you a private message on FB, needing to talk.  People don't see your gas gauge floating barely above empty because you ran into town because a youth needed you.  People don't see you praying harder than you have ever prayed before, pleading with God to just reveal himself to your youth so they "get it".  People don't see you rejoicing when they do "get it".  People don't understand why you are in the check out line buying pickled pigs feet and sardines.  People don't understand why there are always bags under your eyes.  People don't see you scrape together your pennies to ensure there is pizza on movie night.  People don't see you change your plans so that events will work around the teens schedule. 

People don't see you praying to God to confirm that youth ministry is where you should be.

It isn't easy but it is worth it.  Have I thought about quitting?  On more than one occasion.  I won't deny it.  I have thought about going a different avenue, thought about moving to a different state even.  However, when I get to those moments, God reminds me that He has called me to do this.  He has told me I would work with youth my entire life in some capacity.  When I feel like throwing in the towel, I get a message from someone saying they need my help.  I get young people that I don't even know messaging me saying they need someone to talk to. 

It is often times and thankless job.  It is a job I don't get a paycheck for.  It is a job that is "on site" training.  I don't always know what to say or do.  I was never trained for this.  However, God has instilled the desire and the love for this generation.  That is all I need. 

So when you ask someone what they do and they say "youth leader", don't jump to conclusions that it is all fun and games.  When someone introduces a person as the "youth pastor", shake their hands and thank them.  They are making a difference, just like all areas of ministry are.  Don't look at your church's youth group as a place where the kids are placed to be "out of the way".  These young people are our future.  They ARE the church.  They want to find their place; they want to be heard; they want to be accepted and loved - just like the rest of us.  Do not count them out because they are young.  Do not cast judgment because they are loud and rowdy.  They are the energy that moves mountains.  They are the fresh air that can breath new life into old bones.  Do not hinder their talents; do not push them aside.  They were created for a time such as this.  You can either jump on the wagon or get off the road because these young people are making a way.......it may not be a way you are used to but it is a God paved path and it is leading to great things.

With that being said, I just want to say I love my youth group.  I am humbled beyond measure that God has placed me there with a great group of young people.  I feel loved by them; I am proud of them; I enjoy hanging out with them and I am blessed to have them in my life and to have my own kids as part of that group.  It is hard work but it is rewarding.  It is thankless but it is needed.  Hats off to my fellow youth leaders.  Keep fighting the good fight.

These kids need us.

Says it all

Ok...so being in youth ministry gives me a legit reason to do something like this....hehe

Tender moments

They love Matt too......I think. haha

King trumps President.....

In the aftermath of the political fiasco, I woke up to Google who won the election.  I went to bed once Matt turned the station to political jargon.  I, frankly, never followed politics nor cared to.  I know who the president is and that is about as far as my political knowledge goes.

I woke up to quite a few posts on Facebook that I scrolled through, read, pondered and even furrowed a brow once or twice at the statements made -- most made by fellow believers. 

Now, while I don't follow politics and I knew that Obama was for gay marriages and abortion - two things I do not stand behind because they go against Biblical principles.  Did I vote for Romney then?  No, I didn't vote at all.

*GASP*

I know...I have heard it for months.  It is my Christian duty to vote.  It is my obligation as a Christ-followerer to make a difference with my ballot.  Yea, I get that.  However, I have faced some nasty arguments, insults and words making me feel less of a Christian because I choose not to vote.....and these are coming from my fellow believers in Christ.  Just as it is your freedom to vote; it is my freedom not to.  It is not your place to shove politics down my throat and judge me because I choose not to cast a vote.  I have never voted....probably never will.

With that being said, I do not complain about who is in office.  Obama is in the White House....okay.  There is nothing I can do - what's done is done.  Last time I checked Jesus is still on the throne.  Christians (and non) are posting how we are doomed; there is no hope; better be praying more than ever; etc.  Shouldn't we have been praying all along?

Wake up, Christians!  Jesus is King.  That will never change.  He allows these events to take place.  Nothing....NOTHING happens without God letting it happen (hello....read the book of Job).  Yet I continue to read post after post about how there is no hope, all is lost.  Seriously?  How about we not put our trust in the man we put in the White House but in the Man we put on the cross???

Instead of complaining and speaking negatively, how about we pray for our president?  We will pray for our family's salvation and those close to us, we pray they make better decisions and find God.  And yet the man who makes the decisions for us all, we say there is no hope.  He is no less deserving of our prayers.  He is not HOPELESS.  Nothing is impossible with God!  He hears our pleas and our petitions go before the throne.  So instead of getting on our soap box, how about we get on our knees?

I have heard about this being the last days and I even said something similar.  It is true.  This planet has been dying and in its "last days" since the Garden of Eden.  However, as the birth of the resurrected Jesus draws near (what we, Christians, call the rapture or Jesus returning for his bride - aka the Church), the earth will experience birthing pains.  They will get more frequent and more painful......people will become lovers of themselves, false teaching will emerge and devastation will hit like never before and it will become like in the days of Noah.  Christians are saying this like it is a bad thing?!  I say bring it on!  Jesus can return anytime and I would be okay with that.  Granted, I would want him to hold out just a little while longer so I could spread the Gospel more but if He chose to come now, I will be weeping with joy at my King's feet.

So, as this election caused many to cringe and snarl with distaste - just remember that Obama may be president but his reign will be over in 4 years ---- Jesus is KING forever.  Trust in the one who died for you and promised to return. 

All will be okay.

The truth is more terrifying than fiction.....

**some of this blog is  a repeat of last year's**

It's that time of year again.

I love this time of year.  The colors are changing, there is a crispness in the air and there is just a sense of change.  It is also the season of caramel apples, hayrides, bonfires and haunted houses - Halloween.

I used to look forward to Halloween years ago, before I found Christ.  It was a time to whip out my make-up and woochies (latex prosthetics) and see how gruesome and demonic I can make myself.  To give you an idea of my life before Christ some of the things I dressed up as was - Reagen from the Exorcist and Matt dressed up as the priest, another year I wore a noose with a carved "x" on my forehead with a shirt that read "God's busy, can I help you?" with a picture of the devil, one year Matt went as the devil....well, you get the idea.

Then as Halloween approached the year I got saved, I was conflicted.  It always meant something evil for me.  I had dabbled in black magick and yes, they do hold 'all hallows eve' in high regards like Christians do with Christmas.  However, I thought we are given such a tool to minister because this is the only time of the year that the world comes to us!

So the year we were saved, a local church hosted "Final Exit".  It was a 'haunted house' that took you through the life of a teenager starting with her death and how she ended up in the casket.  It showed how Satan and demonic forces had their hands in every aspect of her life. It was so phenomenal we went numerous times and they finally said we didn't have to pay the $8 admission any more - "Just keep bringing people", they said.  We wanted everyone to experience this.  Then at the end you witnessed hell, Jesus crucified then people are there praying for you.  It is a scare the 'hell out of you' experience, literally.

So I began to think how Halloween can be an asset to the Christian community. 

A lot of Christians frown on this day.  They say it is 'the devil's day' or that it is evil.  While Halloween does originate from pagan and Celtic cultures (as does Christmas and Easter, but no one frowns on the warm fuzzies those give us), it has never been a 'devil's day'.  It isn't like Satan is sitting back and waiting for October 31st to unleash his wrath on humanity - he has done that since the Garden of Eden.  So as the Christian community we want to shut our lights off and pretend to not be home as people come to our doors looking for a goody treat.  They come to....OUR DOOR.  Do you see the opportunity we have to minister?

In Psalms it says "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  It doesn't say yesterday, tomorrow, Easter, Christmas, Halloween....it says THIS is the day.....we should wake up and say THIS is the day, everyday!  Why do we want to give the devil more than he deserves?  Why do we just hand over a day and say "here ya go, it's your day."?  The devil doesn't own ANY days......they are all a gift from God.

The Bible says we are to be the light to a dark world.  So then why do we shut off our lights and cower in our homes afraid someone is going to ring our doorbell expecting candy?  Why aren't we turning on all our lights, getting the best candy, printing out some tracts about our church and our God and sitting on our steps with a smile and a hand-out?   Why aren't we being a light on a day that the world has perverted???  Why are we hiding when the world needs us the most?

Our church has been doing our annual "Fear Factory and Maze of Darkness" since October 19th.  Last Wednesday was youth night and we had 189 youths and adults go through our production, causing us to go 2 hours over. We had 129 salvations.  Did you hear me....129 new souls are going to celebrate heaven with us. We took something that was meant for bad and turned it for good.  Take that, Devil!

There have been some controversy about what we do.  They say we are celebrating an evil holiday and we are running a haunted house.  Yet, those people are the ones that won't even come check it out before making their assumptions.  Ours is NOT a haunted house.  Will you get scared?  Oh, most definitely.  First you enter our "Dormitory of Knowledge" where they get a glimpse of what will happen after Christ comes for His bride....from a unique perspective.  Then you will enter an 1800 square foot maze that is complete darkness - representing your life without Christ - walking in darkness.  Then you enter our Fear Factory where you are submerged into an interactive experience of a post-rapture world.  In other words, you get to witness our interpretation of a world after Christ has come and raptured his church. Everything is taken directly from scripture and we even give educational material showing where it can be found.  We are ministering to a world in a way they relate to.  It is Halloween...they want to be scared.  We scare them, however we do it in a way that shakes them up and makes them think about their relationship with Jesus Christ.  Is it radical?  Perhaps.  Although, some of us need a radical shake-up to realize that we need Christ.  I know I did.

Jesus stepped into the world and when he taught, he taught on their level.  If he was talking to farmers, he used parable about the vineyard and the wheat.  If he was talking to the merchants, he would speak on camels and oxen.  He didn't ignore them; he RELATED to them.  Then once he created that connection, he spoke of the Father.

Do I judge or condemn those that choose to not participate in Halloween activities?  Absolutely not.  However, do not judge me because I do.

One more night left - tomorrow....Halloween. The Bridge, Rensselaer Indiana, $6 to go through both.  Let us scare the hell right out of you - literally.

And you, my blog readers, get a sneak peak of a few of our first pictures from the inside of Fear Factory!   Let's just say many come into the Fear Factory laughing and joking to mask their nervousness but when they step into the world we have created, there is nothing but silence. 

"And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands"  -Revelation 20:4 

^" During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them." -Revelation 9:6

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What are some people saying about FF/MoD?

“I was able to go to Fear Factory in Rensselaer with Paul, my girls and our youth group last night. Our family has never been there before and Alexis and Olivia were too scared to go through once we there. It's based on the Book of Revelations. They did an awesome job and I am so glad I was able to go. We had some great conversations on the way home about the end times and what's at stake for all of us. I encourage anyone who hasn't been there to check it out.”
--Gary R., Remington

  “Kudo's to the Bridge in Rensy, and all the hard work they have done for the Fear Factory and Maze of Darkness!!” 
--Paul D., Remington

 “Bree had an Awesome time last night!!!! I'm glad she got to go!!!”

--Ann B., Remington

“Fear Factory was so much fun!” 
--Paige W., Brookston

“Epicness!”

--Jordon D., Remington

“Scary night” 
--McKenna S., Remington

“It is actually a really great ministry that you all do! Keep it up”
--Logan W., Francesville

“Nice job!  I was terrified!” 
--Emily K., Remington

“Fear Factory was AMAZING last night!”

--Davey M., Rensselaer

“We delivered and you guys knocked it out of the park. pretty fun” 
--Micah R., Francesville

“OMGosh, you guys got me!  Especially at the end, I didn’t see that coming.” 

--Riley E., Wolcott

“The FF and MoD was awesome! 
--Zak G, Lowell

God loves a hot mess......

Hypocrite.

Fake.

Useless.

Judgmental.

These are merely a few words that have been spoken to me by others.  Christians, nonetheless.

I have had a rough past, more than most but not as bad as some.  It consists of molestation, rape, drugs, alcohol, abuse, dark magic, mutilation and feelings of worthlessness.  So how did I find God in the midst of all that mess?

I did not become a Christian because it was instilled in me at a young age.  I went to church until I was about ten years old.  It wasn't a priority.  My dad believed church wasn't the archway into heaven.  He studied his Bible at home and I assumed he prayed although I never actually saw him do it.  God was spoken of in our house but it was as if it was a scape-goat; an after thought.  I have no doubt that my dad is in heaven at this very moment.  Although, I also don't believe he did everything he could to ensure his kids would meet him there.

So as I had gotten older, my life took a down hill spiral that was out of control.  Most weren't aware of the pain and the skeletons I kept locked away in my proverbial closet.  There was such a void in my life that I tried to fill it with anything that could possibly numb me to the false reality that I was worthless.

Once I found God, I no longer was locked in a darkness that I created for myself.  It was as if it all sloughed off.  I realized that I was created with purpose.  I had something I had never truly experienced in my 30 years ---- hope. 

I had something to hope in; I had a desire to get to know God intimately and let Him lead the course of my life.  I knew I could no longer hold the reigns because my wild horses were leading me down a rocky path.  I gave it all to Him and knew it would all be okay.

That was in 2005.  Since then I have had to cut ties with some pretty influential people in my life.  While some of those relationships pained me to end, I knew I had to.  I was an addict.  I couldn't put myself in a position where I would have to rely on myself to be strong.  I knew I couldn't.  It took years before I would go anywhere that had alcohol.  I can be transparent and say I still stay clear of anyone who may have illegal substances on them.....I am not sure I can trust myself.  I was that much gone.  While I know that God is my strength, I still have to do my part and recognize my weaknesses and stay away from them so the devil has no foot hold to use them against me in a moment of weakness.

Since I became a Christian, I have been put down, ridiculed, called names, been told I was not truly me, been told I was being brainwashed, and the list goes on.  Once I took a leadership role, I was called much worse by those who professed they were of faith as well.  Starting out, I let it get to me in a way that I either lashed out or just sat and folded inside my self and cried.  I kept saying that I was not equipped for this.....I was not trained.  God told me what to do and I did it.  I thought that was what we, as believers, were suppose to do?  Seemed pretty cut and dried to me.  However, others didn't understand and they attacked me.  When I was trying to help, they viewed it as me being "holier than thou".  When I would offer insight, they would deem me as "holier than thou".  They didn't believe the change I had made was genuine.  It hurt.  It hurt deep because I knew the joy I felt and the unexplainable sense of hope that I had NEVER had.....and I have people saying that I am not truly who I claim I am.  Doubt crept in and I about threw in the towel on more than one occasion.

That small voice; that small still voice of God kept me focused and he said - "I called you, therefore I will equip you."  I was then reminded of the scripture - Matthew 13:57 "And they took offense at him.  But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home.”

In Jesus' hometown, he went to preach and the crowd recognized him as Mary's son and knew his dad was a carpenter.  They were thinking they knew Mary and Joseph and they knew Jesus since he was a boy.   And now he is coming back claiming to be the Messiah?  They were probably thinking there was no way this young boy they used to know in the man before them was the Son of God.  And because of their lack of faith - Jesus did not perform any miracles there.

Point being - those that know us the closest are the hardest skeptics.  When I catch up with someone in my past and they say - "Hey!  What are you up to these days?"  In which I reply, "Not much, I am a youth pastor now with my husband."  I get one of two reactions - they either laugh and say "no, really what do you do?" or there is an awkward pause as the smiles fade and a cloud of disbelief shadows their faces.

I didn't decide to follow God because I was raised that way.  In fact, I was molested by a preacher that followed God, so if nothing else, I should be angry at Him.  I didn't decide to follow Him because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy - in fact, being a Christian is hard.  I still have doubts, fears, sadness, depression, anger but the difference now is I can rely on God to help me through and I am a work in progress.  I am better but I haven't arrived.  

No, I followed God because I had tried to find happiness and peace in every other avenue.  I was miserable and unhappy.  Life had no meaning and I was in such a dark place that the enemy thought he had me with no fear of losing me.  When I made the decision to accept Jesus into my life, it wasn't by accident.  God was saying it was time to make a choice.  Choose wisely....and I fell to my knees and I chose Him. 

I chose Him because He was the only one who loved me when I was unlovable.  He loved me despite my imperfections.  He never judged my mistakes and welcomed me each time I ran to Him.  The love He showers on me is so perfect that I cannot imagine my life without Him.  I think back on who I used to be and I can hardly remember that time and when I do, I mourn.  Not because I miss who I used to be but I feel like I wasted so much time dancing with the devil.  

I chose God for the simple fact that He first loved me.  Do I need any other reason? 

 

Birthday Girl!

Today is my mom's birthday.   She is one, if not THE, strongest woman I know.  She is a strong-willed, take-no-crap-from-anyone, rough-n-tough, southern woman.

She has had a pretty rough life, more so than most.  An accident at the age of 16 left her in a wheelchair for a year.  She had to learn simple tasks such as walking and using her legs all over again.  The accident left one leg shorter than the other, making her walk with a limp and, over time, deforming her foot.  That did not stop her by any means.

Growing up, my mom was the bread winner since my dad was unable to work.  She raised five kids on a mediocre CNA's salary.  She worked many long, hard hours.  It wasn't uncommon for her to work 16 hour shifts to make ends meet.  We may not had the best of much, but I never remember going hungry, thirsty, naked or deprived.  I never heard her complain.  She merely did what needed to be done and that was that.

She was a great cook (and still is).  The best thing was when we saw Mom get out this little square electric skillet.  We knew one of two things - she was either making fried chicken or Poor Man Donuts.  She would take canned biscuits and roll them out, put a hole in the middle then deep fry them in grease and sprinkle them with cinnamon and sugar.  They were so good.  I now find it funny that Pillsbury has that recipe on their biscuit packages!

Growing up, I had very few friends.  My mom was it.  If I went to the movies - I went with her.  If I went shopping - I went with her.  She worked 3-11's; so on the days she had to work, she was gone by the time I got home from school and wasn't home until after I went to bed.  I remember on the days she had off, I would leave her a note before I left for school asking her to wait until I got home before she went anywhere because I wanted to go with her.  We did everything together.  She was my bestie.

When my dad died, I saw the strong, independent woman crumble.  I was the only one at home, so I saw her heart break; her devastation.  When the ambulance came and took him away, she looked at me and said - "Well Mis, I just lost my best friend."  I saw her pull forth a strength that I didn't think she possessed to merely get through 'life'.  She showed strength and weakness in that dark time - both qualities I admired and learned from.

So in light of her birthday, I just wanted to jot down the first things that come to mind when I think of my Mom, so here goes.

She was a smoker for years and one day quit - cold turkey and hasn't picked up another.
She was a hard worker.
She made the best cornbread and chicken and dumplings - ever.
She started work at age 12 and has done everything from a phone operator to a car hop.
In addition to working full time - in the summer she canned, plucked 50 chickens and butchered them for the freezer, hung laundry on the line, kept a clean house and tended a garden.
She is scared to death of mice and snakes.
She has the reflex of a tiger and if she doesn't get you the first time, she will throw the nearest item at you.
When she laughs hard, she cries.
She loved my dad.
She has a southern accent that I pick up when I am around her.
She loves to do word puzzles.
She can crotchet and make ANYTHING in record time.
We may not have had a stitch of food in our house growing up, but you can guarantee we had 12 different kinds of potato chips and diet soda.
She loves animal print - especially cheetah.
My daughter is so much like her, it is rather frightening.
She loves her family.
She enjoys a good margarita every now and then.
She loves popcorn and diet Pepsi.
She drinks coffee like water.
She loves Elvis Presley and Betty Boop.
She hates milk.
She is allergic to everything.  
She doesn't watch too many movies.
Growing up she never missed Wheel of Fortune and Dallas, if she could help it.
When she gets angry, she juts out her bottom lip.
She has 10 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild.
She (and her husband) own Bangel cats, a Lhapso Apso and a monkey.
She just got over her fear of water last year......but still can't swim.
She is not ashamed of who she is.


So with that being said - Happy birthday, Mom.  I love you!

My momma at age 16, I think.

Me and my momma earlier this year.

Giving leftovers to a perfect God - (lukewarm pt.2)

The second part to my "lukewarm" blog.
(study/lesson taken from "Crazy Love")

As I see it "lukewarm Christian" is an oxymoron.  An oxymoron, if you don't know, is two words with opposite meanings describing one word such as jumbo shrimp, little big man, silent scream, etc.

If you are lukewarm, then you are not a Christian. Bam.  There, I said it.

In Revelation 3:15-18, Jesus says -  "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot or cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.  You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing."  But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, blind and naked.  I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes so you can see."

This passage is where our term lukewarm comes from.  Jesus is saying because the church is lukewarm, he is going to spit them from his mouth.  There is no gentle translation of the word spit in Greek.  It means hurling, retching, gagging.  Have you ever tried something that was so horrible you couldn't help but gag and want to spit it out.  That is how Jesus is saying lukewarm churches make him feel.  Many people think Jesus is talking to believers.  Why?   Jesus wouldn't want to spit out part of his kingdom.  He wouldn't call us, who believe in Him, wretched, pitiful and naked.  Why would he describe saints like that?  Lukewarm Christian - no such thing.

Jesus' call to commitment is quite clear.  He wants all or nothing.  The thought of a person calling himself Christian without being a devoted follower of Christ is absurd.

Let's just lay all the cards on the table, shall we?  We are willing to make changes to our lives only if we think it affects our salvation.  I don't know how many times I have heard - "If I get a divorce, will I still go to heaven?" "If someone commits suicide, will they still go to heaven?"  "If I have sex with my girlfriend, will I still go to heaven?" "Do I have to be baptized to be saved?"  "If I am ashamed to talk about Christ, will he REALLY deny knowing me?"

To me these questions reveal the state our hearts are in.  We are more concerned about getting to heaven then having a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Jesus said - "If you love me, you will obey what I command." 

I love Matt.  We have been married almost 15 years.  I do things just because I love him.  They are small in comparison but I think of him often.  I love him so I do things for him without expecting anything in return and he does the same.  I do them merely because I adore him.  That is what we should do with Jesus.  We should obey his commandments merely because we love him - not what we get in return.

James says - "You believe there is one God.  Good!  Even the demons believe that and shudder."  It isn't enough to believe in God - the devil and his minions believe in God.....God doesn't want us to have a good theology.  He wants us to know and LOVE Him.  First John says - "We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands.  The man who says, 'I know him', but does not do what he commands is a LIAR, and the truth is not in him."  (emphasis added).

In Luke is reads - "Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."  EVERYTHING. 

The last thing Jesus told us was to go into the world and make disciples of all nations teaching them to obey all he had commanded.    He didn't say  - "But hey, if that is too much to ask, tell them to become Christians, you know, the people who get to go to heaven without having to commit anything."

In these two blogs (lessons), I don't want true believers to begin to doubt their salvation.  In the midst of our failed attempts at loving Jesus, his grace covers us.  His mercies are new every morning.  His grace is sufficient.  I am not saying that when you mess up, it means you never were really a genuine Christian.  If that were true no one would follow Christ. 

If one hundred people represented the entire world's population, 53 of those would live on less than $2 a day.  Simple buying a book is what the majority of people in the world live on in a week's time.  We are a blessed nation.  We use the terms "broke" and "poor" when we can't go to McDonald's with our friends.  We are neither of those - we are stinking rich.  We never have to go hungry, we have clean water, running toilets and a knowledge of Jesus - we are filthy rich in comparison to most.

Prosperity can harden one's heart.  It can make us not look towards God.  It makes us have a false sense of security.

When Jesus was talking to a wealthy person who wanted to go to heaven, Jesus told him to sell everything and give it to the poor then follow him.  The wealthy man was quite wealthy and didn't want to.  Jesus told him "How hard is it for the rich to enter into the kingdom of God!"  He says it's as hard as a camel to go through the eye of the needle, in other words - impossible!

*Side note - in Biblical times, the merchants would ride their camels from city to city.  The fortified cities had large stone walls surrounding them.  They had a 'back entrance' for the merchants to go through which was merely a small cubby, short and narrow.  They would have to get off their camel, unpack everything off of it, then go through with their supplies, then get their camel.  Then do it again when they left.  So they knew a camel going through the eye of the needle was no doubt IMPOSSIBLE.

God wants our best, deserves our best and demands our best.  How often do we give God the scraps off our plate?  How often to we throw a couple of crumbled dollars in the offering plate or how often do we go about our day then as we are wore out, lying in bed we offer God up a few minute prayer before falling asleep?

In Malachi's time, the priests thought their sacrifices were sufficient.  God demanded the best of their sacrifices (example - sheep).  He wanted one without blemish, without fault - a 4-H prize winning sheep.  But the priests wanted to keep those to breed and make more spotless sheep.  So they would offer their lame ones and figure that was good enough.  They assumed God was pleased because instead of giving nothing they gave SOMETHING.

God describes this practice as evil (Malachi 1:8).

God is holy.  He created the universe.  He gave you life and determines if you take another breath. He created the oceans, the creatures and everything that abides on our planet.  He is holy and perfect.  He deserves the best.

"But something is better than nothing!"  Some protest.

Is it?

Have you ever received praise because someone felt guilty or felt obligated?  Doesn't that make you feel awkward and you wished they had never said anything at all?  Why would God be any different?

In Malachi God says - "Oh that there were one among you who would shut the hates that you might not uselessly kindle fire on my altar!  I am not pleased with you....nor will I accept an offering from you."  The week sacrifices were insulting to God and he wanted the temple doors shut.

We don't do sacrifices anymore because Jesus, the ultimate spotless lamb, was the last sacrifice.  However, we offer up worship and prayer to God.  How many times do we go to church on Sunday and worship half-heartedly.  Do we go and give our all?  I don't care if you are cartwheeling across the floor.....to God, if that is your all, he is pleased.  If you stand there, eyes closed and don't clap or move but are giving it all to Him - then he is pleased.  You have to give your all, no matter how you do it.  If you are flippantly worshiping, God says he would rather you just sit down.  Don't insult God with half-hearted worship.  I wonder how many churches would have their doors shut in reference to Malachi???

God's definition of what matters is pretty straight forward.  He measures our lives by how we love.  Even a pastor can be successful if he has a good sermon, prays over people, makes the congregation laugh.......even if he offers no love.  However Paul writes - "I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love I gain nothing.  (1 Cor. 13:2-3).  We are here to love - not much else matters.

What does God mean by love?  He tells us in 1 Cor. 13:4-8, 13.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing; but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.....faith, hope, and love abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Now - replace "love" with your name.  By the end, don't you feel like a liar?  I know I do. If I am meant to represent what love is, then I often fail to love.

It is easy to love those that love us in return.  It is easy to invite those we love to church but what about those that we don't like?  What about that person that you avoid and a bad taste is in your mouth just at the mention of their name?  THAT is who we are to love and reach out to.  Those that need our love the most, not those that deserve it.

How many of us would really leave our families, jobs, lives, friends, home, surrounding and connections if Jesus asked us to.  No explanation, no direction - just follow.

I would like to think I would but in reality, I am not sure. God of the universe.  The creator of all things, He who is holy and pure and righteous we often say "Well, I am not sure you are worth it....I really like my care, my sin habits, my money....I am not sure I want to give it all up even if it means I get You."

We we put it plainly like that most of us hope we would choose God.  But we often compare God on a scale with our worldly things.  We disgust God when we weigh and compare Him against the things of this world. 

No wonder Jesus sayd He will spit lukewarm people out of his mouth!

Lukewarm doesn't quench an insatiable thirst - pt.1

I have been teaching the youth quite a bit lately due to Matt's work schedule.  I don't mind it but sometimes I think how in the world do Pastor's do it?  How do they come up with sermon after sermon, lesson after lesson?  I love teaching but am so thankful Matt is taking over this Sunday :)

Anyway, here is last Sunday's lesson and I thought it really hit us in the gut, therefore I wanted to share.  It is a study and my notes taken from "Crazy Love".

Lukewarm doesn't satisfy a thirst

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." – Matthew 13:44

A man joyfully sold all that he had so that he could obtain the only thing that mattered.  He knew that what he had stumbled on (heaven) was more valuable than anything he had so he went for it with everything in him.  This kind of enthusiastic response to God’s live is appropriate yet is a contrast to our typical response.

In the US numbers impress us.  We gauge success of an event by how many people attend or even come forward.  We measure churches by how many numbers they boast and are wowed by large crowds.  From my experience, when I go to meet new pastors - their first question is "How big is your youth group?"  That is soon followed by "How large is your church?"   They want to either be impressed by my number or validate theirs.

Jesus questioned authenticity of this kind of record keeping.  According to an account in Luke chapter 8, when a crowd started following Jesus, he spoke in parables – so that those who really weren’t listening would get it.

When crowds gather today, speakers are extraconcious of communicating in a way that is accessible to everyone so everyone understands.  Speakers don’t use Jesus’ tactics to eliminate people who are not sincere seekers.

Fact is, Jesus just wasn’t interested in those who faked it.

In the parable of the sower, Jesus explained that the seed is the truth, or Word of God.  When the seed is flung into the path, it is heard but quickly stolen away.  When the seed is tossed into the rocks, no roots take hold = there is only the appearance of depth and growth because of the good soil but it is only surface deep.

When the seed is spread among the thorns, it is received but soon suffocated out by life’s worries, riches and pleasures.  But when the seed is sown in good soil – it grows, takes root and produces fruit – explain this in a little more detail.

My caution to you is this – Do not assume you are good soil.

Most American church goers are the soil that chokes the seed because of all the thorns.  Thorns are anything that distracts us from God.  When we want God and a bunch of other stuff that means we have thorns in our soil.  A relationship with God simply cannot grow when money, sins, activities, sports teams, addictions and commitments are piled on top of it.

Has you relationship with God actually changed the way you live?  Do you see evidence of God’s kingdom in your life or are you choking it out slowly by spending too much time in things of this world?

Are you satisfied in being godly enough to get yourself into heaven or to look good in comparison to others?  Or can you saw with Paul that you want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death? (Phil 3:10)

I mean I would rather have that scripture end in becoming like him in his resurrection.  That is the Jesus I want to picture myself like.  Not the suffering, on the cross Jesus.  But this went against everything I was reading in the bible.  I quickly found that the American church is a difficult place to fit in if you want to live out New Testament Christianity.  The goals of American Christianity are often a nice marriage, children who don’t swear, and a good church attendance.  Taking the words of Christ literally and seriously is rarely considered.  That’s for the radicals and those who go overboard.  Most of us what a balanced like we can control that does not involve suffering.

Would you describe yourself as totally in love with Christ?  Or do the words half hearted, lukewarm or partially committed fit better?

The bible says to test ourselves so I am going to offer you what a lukewarm, distracted, partially committed person would look like and as we go over it, think about your life.  Not who you want to be but who you are now.

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They attend church regularly.  It is expected of them and is told that is what good Christians do, so they go.

Isa 29:13

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They give money to charity and the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living.  If they have a little extra, they give….otherwise, they don’t.

Luke 21:1-4

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict.  They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives.

Rev 3:1

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They don’t really want to be saved from sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.  They don’t believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.

Romans 6:1-2

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They are moved by stories of people who do radical things for Christ yet they do not act.  They assume such actions are for extreme Christians, not average ones.  Lukewarm people call radical what Jesus expected of all his followers.

James 1:22

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They rarely share their faith with neighbors, coworkers, and friends.  They do not want to be rejected nor do they want to make others feel uncomfortable by talking about religion.

Matt 10:32-33

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They gauge their morality or goodness by comparing themselves with the secular world.  They feel satisfied because they may not be hard core for Jesus but they are nowhere near as horrible as so-in-so.

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They say the love Jesus and he is indeed part of their lives but only a part.  They give him a section of their time, money and thoughts.  He isn’t allowed to control their lives.

Luke 9:57-62

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They love God but do not love him with all their heart, soul and strength.  They would be quick to assure you they try to love God that much but it really isn’t possible for the average person.  It is only for pastors and missionaries.

Matt 22:37-38

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.  Their love of others typically is focused on those who love them in return.  Their love is highly conditional and very selective and often comes with strings attached.

Luke 14:12-14

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They will serve God and others but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money or energy they are willing to give.

Luke 18:21-25

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They think about life on earth much more than eternity in heaven.  Daily life is focused on today’s to do list or this week’s schedule or next month’s vacation.  Rarely do they intently consider the life to come.

Col 3:2

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They do whatever is necessary to keep them from feeling too guilty.  They want to do the bare minimum to be good enough without it requiring too much of them.

Matt 13:44-46

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age 12, were baptized, and came from a Christian family, live in America – whatever, Just as the prophets in the OT warned Israel they were not safe just because they lived in the land of Israel so we are not safe just because we wear the label Christian.

Matt 7:21

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They do not live by faith.  Their lives are structured so they never have too.  They don’t have to trust God if the unexpected happens.  They have a savings plan, they have a retirement plan, they have life figured and mapped out.  Their fridges are full, their health is good and truthfully, their lives wouldn’t look much different if they stopped believing in God all together.

Luke 12:16-21

LUKEWARM PEOPLE

They probably cuss, drink and partake in worldly things less than average but besides that they really aren’t much different than the unbeliever. 

Matt 23:25-28

This profile of a lukewarm Christian is not a complete definition of what a Christian should look like nor is it intended to be used to judge your fellow believers.  Instead, 2 Cor 13:5 says – it is a call to examine yourselves to see whether you are in the fail; test yourselves.

We are all messed up.  No one is totally immune to the behaviors in the examples.  However there is a difference in whose life is characterized by these habits and a life that is in the process of being transformed.

If you wanted to join the Marines, you would see commercials and advertisements showing them running, doing push ups, etc.  If you hate running, you wouldn’t go and ask them to modify the rules for you so you could run less or maybe do a few less push up.  That would be pointless and stupid.  Everyone knows if you sign up for the marines you have to do whatever they tell you to do.  In a sense, they own you.

Somehow this realization does not cross over to our thinking about the Christian life.  Jesus didn’t say that if you wanted dot follow him you could do it in a lukewarm manner.  He said “take up your cross and follow me”  He also said – "Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king.  Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with 10,000 men to oppose the one coming against him with 20,000?  If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.  In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:31-33)

Jesus asks for everything.  But we try to give him less.

Jesus said – Salt is good but if it loses its saltiness how can it be made salty again?  It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile, it is thrown out (Luke 14)

Jesus isn’t using a cute analogy here.  He is addressing those who aren’t willing to give everything.  Who won’t follow him all the way.  He is saying that lukewarm following is useless that it sickens our souls.  He is saying that this kind of salt isn’t even fit for a manure pile.

How would you like to hear the son of God say you would ruin manure?

When salt is salty it helps manure become good fertilizer.  But uncommitted, lukewarm faith is useless.  It cannot even benefit manure.

.....to be continued.

Wide grins and sticky fingers.....

Summer is over.  Where the heck did it go?!

I swear time goes faster the older I get.  Another birthday has come and gone (which was the suckiest birthday I have had in a long time coincidentally) and school is now approaching.

Time is going by so fast it is taking my breath away and I want just throw my hands up and yell "WHOA!" in hopes that it will slow down so I can catch my breath.  I am not handling the change well.  The other day my daughter was sitting down planning her "Sweet 16" birthday which isn't until next spring.  Sixteen?  Are you serious?  Then I look at this time next year and Caleb will be 18.  That scares the skittles right out of me.  I know I should just enjoy the moments as they come but I can't help but dwell in what hasn't even happened yet. 

Sometimes those thoughts are just overwhelming I want to cry.  Where have my babies gone?  I look at pictures and home videos and my heart physically hurts.  I always joked how I couldn't wait for them to be 18 and out of the house.  Now I tell them to stay as long as they want.  They aren't just my kids; they are my friends. 

I then look back and wish I had decided to have more children.  Two just doesn't seem enough.  Now that they are pushing adulthood (gulp), I can't help but long for another little one.  I miss them holding onto just my forefinger as we walked across a parking lot.  I miss their doe-eyed looks at the simplest things that amazed them.  I miss Cheyenne being itty bitty and watching "The Big Comfy Couch" and when Loonette did the clock on the floor and hurried to tidied up, Cheyenne would get all excited and run around the living room like she was in a hurry to get it cleaned when in fact, she didn't pick a thing up!  I miss Caleb sitting on the floor with his action figures and playing for hours with his imagination.  I miss them getting excited for Matt to get home and they would rush to him with wide grins and sticky fingers.

I miss them calling me Mommy.

*sigh*






The desire to have another little one is so strong that I think about it all the time.  At first I thought it was just a mid-life crisis.  It seems silly to want to start over at the age I am at.  I feel like someone should shake me and say - "Are you crazy?!"  Maybe I am.  However, the more the days pass the more that I want one so badly that I feel like crying because it may never come to pass.  Then again.....maybe it will. 

It is part of life and while I need to enjoy the seasons as they come, I can't help but feel saddened.  My little ones are growing up and will soon go to college, get married and have little ones of their own.  I will be an awesome grandma, just saying. 

Until then, I have to try to not live in the past and not dwell in the future but just enjoy the now.  I never knew being a mother would be this hard.  I don't see how so many mothers before me have done it.  There are days I don't think I am strong enough.  However, I know that God will protect them whenever I am no longer there.

Until then......I will just cherish the moments I have and every now and then reminisce about Loonette and Molly, a clown and her dolly...on the Big Comfy Couch.