Mourning the Past; Anticipating the Future

Christmas has come and gone.  The day after always seems as though it never even happened.  Anyone else feel that way?

My Christmas season has been an emotional roller coaster and admittedly not been easy.  I have been thinking a lot about my dad, my kids and my lack of relationship within my family unit.  It has just put me in a funk that I couldn't seem to dig out of. 

My anniversary rolled around and while I expected the typical card and flowers that Matt generally buys me for our yearly day, I was pleasantly surprised by his well thought out choice of expressing his love.  I awoke to a card that started me on an adventure of sorts.  The card led me to a clue which, in turn, led me to others - 13 in all.  Each clue led me to a location in our home that represented different moments in our lives.  He shared with me memories of our lives together, expressions of love and words of encouragement.  It is okay, you can insert a vocal "awww" here.  Anyway, through tears I realized that life isn't over.  That even though I am an emotion wreck due to creeping up on a milestone age and many changes happening in the next couple years (graduations, colleges, etc), I am not alone.   I realized that in the past 16 years, Matt has sat on the side lines waiting patiently for his turn.  He has watched me devote all my attention to the kids, live my life for them...that his turn to get my attention and for us to develop who we are as a couple is coming. 

I have raised kids since I was 19 years old.  I fear that once they are gone, I will be alone and not know what to do with myself.  My identity is wrapped up in them.  However, Matt giving me that treasure hunt of love and memories, broke something inside me that made me realize I can be sad and miss the days of the kids being dependent on me, I can be fearful for what the future brings and I can feel a sense of mourning for the past....but my future is bright and exciting because I get to do it alongside my best friend.

So, while I got a short punch in the gut this Christmas by words said, or lack thereof, it was a good Christmas.  My brother and his family came over the Sunday prior and we had dinner and gifts and just an over all good time.  My daughter's boyfriend joined us which was new to us but overall it felt like just another one of the family horsing around downstairs.

Then Christmas Eve we, as a family, went to the movies (Madea's Christmas - hilarious) then came home and made home made pizzas.  Once they were done, we watched Christmas movies, ate pizza and the kids were out by 1am.  Even though they are 16 and 18, I still sneak around and fill their stockings so they are ready when they get up. Silly, I know.  They have never believed in Santa Clause and therefore know it is me but it is still fun to sneak around. 

Then Christmas morning hit and gifts were opened, messes were made and hearts were filled with warmth.  Some things never change, no matter how old your kids are.

I love my kids with everything inside me.  I am their number one fan.  I am excited to see which paths they will take in the next few years and while it makes me sad to think that one day I will wake up with the realization that my house is empty.....I hope that they desire to come home often.

A little late but Merry Christmas!  May God bless each of you that read this over and abundantly!

The treasure hunt letters Matt left me for our anniversary.

Our home made Christmas Eve pizzas

Matt and I on Christmas Eve

Christmas Morning

I Am Such A Girl

I am not an emotional person - or I didn't use to be.  However, here lately I have been a ball of emotions that seems to be rolling out of control.  It is a little ridiculous.

I am unsure why.  I mean, there are reasons but I am not quite sure why they are suffocating me all at once. 

One thing is my dad.  It is no surprise that I miss him terribly.  His birthday is in two days and he would have been 77.   He has been gone over 20 years and sometimes it feels so fresh in my heart that the mourning starts again.  I know, without a doubt, I will see him again when this life is over but it doesn't console the pain I have now.  I am not sure if it is because the holidays are approaching and Christmas was his favorite.  Whatever the reason, the pain sometimes overwhelms me like a tidal wave.  I have two audio recordings of him.  That is it other than pictures.  It never fails that tears fall when I listen to them.  I suppose that is a natural response and when people lose loved ones, I want to tell them that it gets easier....and in some ways it does.  But I also want to tell them that there are some days where you will miss them so terribly you would give anything to just see their face again.  I unashamedly admit there are many times I plead with God to just send him in a dream for me.  While I know once people pass, they know nothing of this world but a memory brought to life in my dreams makes the pain a little more bearable. 

Secondly - my kids.  I am not handling them growing up and it has hit me full force this year.  My son is graduating this coming spring and I just ordered his cap and gown and thinking about his open house.  I am an emotional wreck.  I adore that kid more than any words I could type here.  He and I have been through a lot together. It hurts me deeper than any hurt to think of him going on to college and creating a life for himself and him not being here.  I know, being a parent, we raise them and let them go but no one told me it would be this hard.  I had my kids at a young age and always said I couldn't wait until I had my freedom back.  Now I just want them to stay with me forever. 

I see pictures of my daughter as a little girl and I cry.  I know, it is ridiculous but I miss that little cute girl that crawled up in my lap every chance she got.  I miss her tiny voice asking her dad to play with her.  I miss both my kids calling me "mommy".  It has gotten so bad that Matt and I contemplated having another one.  It was so bad that the thought of NOT having one was utterly devastating to me.  We have went through the process to take the steps but have continually backed out.   I am not sure why the decision to have another is so hard....fear is the main reason.  There are a lot of things to consider and being fearful overwhelms us.  That and it wouldn't be fair to our older kids.  We want them to succeed and we want to help them achieve their goals and with a new baby, that would be so hard.  Not to mention being in the ministry would no longer be an option....and I am not sure I am okay with that. Therefore, we opted not to.  I can't say I am 100% happy about it.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of a child sometimes. 

I cry, a lot.  I try not to let anyone see me.  I do it when I am alone and my thoughts consume me.  I am not depressed, not suicidal, not in a funk....I am just sad.  Is it a mid-life crisis thing?  Is it just my thoughts consuming me?  I am not sure.  What I do know is that I am tired of feeling this way.  I am trying to enjoy the season I am in and not live as though I am in another.  I need to enjoy the moments, take hold of the opportunities and press forward. 

So, it has been a rough year.  My emotions have been on the crazy train and I think it is time I get off of it. 

Love isn't easy...but it's worth it.

One week from today is Matt and my anniversary.  16 years, can ya believe it?   In an age where divorce is on the rise and a society where marriage is not held in high regards, we made it 16 years.  Crazy.

Like so many relationships, ours was destined to fail right out of the gate.  We didn't get together based on love or attraction - it was merely out of need.

I was married at the time and had a one year old son.  He was at the sitters and a bunch of us got together to go to a local festival.  Matt was part of that group and I asked someone who he was because I had seen him around and once they told me, I remembered.  I had went to school with him. Although he was a grade younger than I was and I had never spoken a word to him, I knew who he was.  I didn't give it another thought.

Once we got back to the apartment where we all planned to continue the festivities, my husband at the time created a situation.  I won't go into details but it wasn't good.  We were in the other room and with it being a small apartment, every uttered word could be heard.  He made threats before storming out of the bedroom and I stayed in there, composing myself because even though this was a common occurrence, it didn't make it any less embarrassing.  It was after a few moments that I realized it was quiet.  I slowly exited the bedroom to see that all my "friends" had scattered and went outside when they heard the commotion coming from the other room.

All but one.  

Matt was sitting in a chair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.  After I came out and stood there awkwardly, he raised his head and asked "Are you okay?"  After I assured him I was, he said he wasn't going to leave me there.  It was that night we talked until the sun came up.  It was that night that my friend took him to the side and asked if he liked me.  He told her he had but I was married and he wasn't going to step into that.  She assured him that I was waiting for the opportunity to leave and that the marriage was just a piece of paper - and she spoke the truth.  It was that night he kissed me.  I was shocked when it happened.  It was quick and awkward.  I sat there, unmoving, shocked and freaked out. 

But as I said, it was doomed to fail.  I wanted out of my marriage because of the abuse, I had nowhere to go, I had a one year old son and had my back against the wall.  I needed a place to stay.  When Matt said he had an apartment and wanted me to live with him.  I quickly agreed.  It meant I could get out of where I was and not have to go home.  Not to mention Matt had just gotten out of jail and had the hook up for drugs.  He was my supplier and I got it all for free.  I admit - I used him.  He knows this.

After being together for a few months, I finally got a divorce and he mentioned marriage.  I was never going to marry again.  We found out we were pregnant and lived in fear of telling our families.  Once we did, marriage became the topic often.  I refused, he wanted to, his family was pushing it.....finally in 1997 we married.  I agreed just to shut everyone up.  Why in December?  It was before tax season and we did it so I could be on his taxes.  Glamorous, right?

It was hard.  There was a time when Cheyenne was 4 and Caleb was 6 that we were done.  We couldn't do it anymore.  He packed up and was going to leave and I wanted him to.  We mentioned it before but this time it was a reality.  However, to this day I couldn't tell you how we reconciled or what changed. 

Marriage is hard.  We have fought a lot.  I wish I could say it was the drugs and alcohol.  I didn't stop using until after I found Christ in 2005.  I wish I could blame that but I can't.  We have fought since then.  We have had some dooseys; I would be lying if I said otherwise.  But we have always reconciled.  We have realized we are different and that is okay.  It works.  I think, too often, people get married for the wrong reasons (been there) and are quick to get married because it seems glamorous.  It isn't.  Marriage is hard, it is messy and the biggest hurting my heart has ever felt is during harsh words from a dispute with Matt.  The key, in my opinion, is once you get married - there is no out.  There is no option for divorce.  I tell Matt frequently that he is stuck with me forever. 

It seems people are rushing to get married, especially young people.  I am unsure the reasoning but WAIT.  If you are in a relationship, marriage can wait.  Get to know the person....get to know EVERYTHING.  Make sure you can wake up to that person every single day for the rest of your life.  Make sure that your first marriage is your only marriage.  It is so cliche, I know.... but live life. 

Marriage is an awesome thing but it is a very sacred thing that God ordains between a man and a woman.  Hold it sacred too.

So, with that being said - here are a few things I love about Matt.  Be prepared for sappy cuteness.....

1. I love his smile
2. I love when he winks at me across a crowded room
3. I love that he supports every endeavor I take on
4. I love how he will do whatever in his power just to make me happy
5. I love that every time he goes somewhere, before he comes home he asks if I need anything
6. I love how he loves on my animals even though he says he hates them
7. I love how hard he works 
8. I love how he tries to surprise me with things and fails miserably because I always seem to find out
9. I love that we can talk about God in one breath and zombies in another
10. I love when he watches a movie and there is a fight scene, he presses his lips and jerks his body with each punch
11. I love how he lets me lay on him when we watch a movie
12. I love the way he looks at me - like I am the most beautiful woman in the world
13. I love when he calls me cute (not hot, sexy, etc)
14. I love how he has always treated Caleb like he was his own
15. I love how he will do whatever he can to make the kids happy
16. I love how he loves my family like his own
17. I love when I am sick and he thinks I am sleeping, he places his hand on my forehead
18. I love when he holds my hand in public
19. I love how he is like a furnace and when I am cold, he will cuddle with me to keep me warm
20. I love that we can be stupid together
21. I love that he is still a gentleman and holds doors and helps me when I struggle
22. I love that I can tell him absolutely anything
23. I love how he loves God more than me
24. I love how he is the one that likes to shop
25. I love when he preaches/teaches, there is no one better in my opinion.

I could continue on and on.  We have our hiccups.  We have are disagreements, our fights and spats.  However, those things do not change the love I have for him.  There are days I think I am so undeserving of him.  There are days that I just steal glances at him because my heart threatens to explode from the love that dwells inside for him. 

I love you, Matt.  I pray many, many more years together!!!

 

Lesson Learned

I was out and about today, so I stopped by Meijer's to browse and to get me a pop because I was parched. I picked up a few things and made my way to the cash register.  I opted to go through a manned register instead of the self check out.

The young lady there was disheveled looking and her face was pinched in a scowl.  I placed my items up on the belt and it didn't take long for her to speak her mind.  It went a little like this.

C (cashier) : I am about to snap.
M (me): Sorry to hear that.
C : *heavy sigh* For real.  People can be so *pause* rude.  Like seriously.
M : I know and it seems the closer it gets to the holidays, the ruder people are.
C : You don't understand.  I am about to freak out.
M : I understand.  Just know that it will be ok.  It is only for a short time.
C : *small smile* Thank you, have a great night.
M : You too, and have a great Thanksgiving

There is so much truth in that conversation.  I dread leaving my house. No matter where I go, it seems people are rude, obnoxious or just downright mean.  It IS the holidays, right?  It IS the season of peace, love and joy......right?

What is happening?  People are talking about how thankful they are for what they have and in the next breath talking about heading out to get an item on Black Friday.  I just don't get it.  I try not to be one of those people but sometimes others just bring out the worst in me.  I try to be patient but it is so hard when others are only out for themselves.  I am fairly polite in the store - saying excuse me, apologizing when I bump into someone or waiting patiently while someone decides on mustard or ketchup. 

My problem is I expect others to be as I am.  And that just isn't reality.  These cashiers work hard.  They are on their feet many hours, often without a break and they are ringing up YOUR items.  The least you could do is offer a smile, say a few kind words and be patient.  It isn't their fault.  By me just saying "it will be okay", I could see the sourness melt from her face.  Sometimes that is all we need to hear - it will be ok.

Granted, we should be gentle, patient and kind year 'round.  However, can we all try to be the next 6 weeks?  Let's be a little more patient, say a few extra kind words and smile more no matter our own circumstance.  I find when I am being intentionally kind towards someone that, in return, I feel a little bit better myself. 

I guess what I am saying is sometimes happiness is a choice.  You can choose to dread going out this time of year, you can choose to be a sourpuss and snarl at everyone, you can choose to push your shopping cart like you are going to win an award at the finish line.....or you can go out with the mentality that you will make a difference, that you will change someone's outlook on humanity and that because of you, someone will know that not everyone is like what they perceive them to be.

Once I was driving home, I kicked myself.  The holy spirit tugged on me a little bit.  He said I did well in my words but I should have told her - "It will be alright because Jesus loves you." 

Next time.......

Holidays tend to make me cynical....

So I am a Facebook junkie.  I am not ashamed to admit it.  There are many times I want to delete it and say 'heck with it' but I just can't bring myself to do it. 

With it being the month of November, as soon as the first hit, people were posting the "I'm thankful for...." for each day of the month.  I get this, I really do, but it is obnoxious and rather hypocritical if I can use that choice of words. 

If I am your friend on Facebook, chances are I have went through all your pictures, read all your posts (no, I am not a skimmer - I actually read them) and I remember what you choose to let the Facebook world know about your life.  With that being said, you take one month - 30 days - to say what you are thankful for and the remainder 11 months to complain.  Yup, I said it.

I read how you hate your life, how life is unfair, how the world is against you...how you are tired, sore, achy, cranky, angry, bitter, sad, depressed, upset, melancholy, alone, fatigued and just blah.  I posted a quote by Robert C. Lintner that reads - "Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a day."   How true those statements are and I think we forget.

Abraham Lincoln declared the third Thursday in November to be the day of Thanksgiving - many years after the first Thanksgiving was actually celebrated by the Pilgrims.  They came over on the Mayflower and now all the little kids make the cute little Pilgrim hats to wear.  However, when the colonist arrived, they did not expect the harsh winter and many died.  Therefore, the following spring they began to rebuild, learn from their mistakes and plant crops.  Then in the fall, they harvested and invited some of the Native Americans to feast for three days on their harvest, fowl (not just turkey) and deer. 

Back to Lincoln.....he proclaimed Thanksgiving during the Civil War.  America's bloodiest war, brother against brother and yet Lincoln made the proclamation to declare Thanksgiving.  Why?  Was it to eat turkey, get with family or watch football?  No, he clearly stated in the proclamation that Thanksgiving was meant to be a day set aside to thank God for all He has provided.  He continues to say that even though the war was going on and it was a bad time for many, they still had something to be thankful for.

There is your little history lesson.

You're welcome.

Now, don't get me wrong!  I don't think posting the monthly thanksgiving is necessarily a BAD thing.  However, shouldn't we be thankful year round?  I know that the holiday coming up makes us aware of our gratitude but we really do need to be aware of it daily. 

The Creator of the universe....the Almighty who tells the ocean how far to go....the Jehovah that leads the deer to water....the Lord that placed each and every star in the sky....the God that created the entire universe in 6 days and destroyed the earth in 40.....wakes us up every morning, loves us unconditionally, forgives our most unspeakable transgressions, hears us when we pray, weeps with us when we cry.  If He never did another single thing for me, I would still offer up thanksgiving and praise. 

King David says, in Psalms, that we should extol thanksgiving and praise to God.  Extol means with EXTREME adoration and to praise highly - with excitement!  If anyone was bi-polar, it was David.  One minute he was on cloud nine, praising God and glorifying him and in the next he was wishing death and wondering why God had left him.  Don't we all do that at times?  But in the midst of it all ...... David still gave God praise and thanksgiving.  Why?

Because He is deserving of it. 

As simple as that.

So, perhaps instead of one month of thanksgiving - grab a journal (am a huge advocate of journaling) or a calender and write one thing you are thankful for that day--- every day.  It is hard to stay angry or bitter when you can look back on the months and see how truly blessed you are.

I was going to end this with a few things I am thankful for year round.  However, once I started typing, I realized that this would be one HUGE blog because I could go on and on.  I am blessed and even though I get in a rut where life is beating me down and I feel so alone, that fact never evades me.

In the words of King David -
 "Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. 
 Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

 For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. 

 In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him.

 The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.

 Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; 

 for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care."

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love, laughter, great food and an even greater heart full of warmth and good cheer.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.....

Odd?  Perhaps.  I have been called worse. 

I love this time of year.  Yes, I enjoy the leaves changing colors, the crispness of the air and warm, delectable drinks.  However, I enjoy this time of year for a much different reason.

Our church puts on an event for the community called Fear Factory and the Maze of Darkness.  There is a lot of controversy with what we do.  I have gotten into many debates about why it is wrong and have had my fair share of opinions on the subject. 

With our FF/MoD, we are giving the community something they are searching for while sharing the gospel in an unconventional manner.  At the start of the attraction, guests are plunged into a maze so dark they cannot see their hands in front of their faces.  With many twists and turns, you must find your way out.  The maze indicates our lives without Christ - we stumble in the darkness, searching for the light that can save us.  Once guests exit the maze, they are then plunged into a post- apocalyptic, interactive experience that is a representation of our interpretation of the "end times" taken right out of the book of Revelation. 

Many express concerns, saying they don't agree with scaring people into salvations.  However, some people (myself included) need a radical, in-your-face realization to finally comprehend what they may face if they continue on the path they are taking.

When Jesus spoke to fisherman, he talked about fish; when he talked to farmers, he mentioned wheat; when he talked to tax collectors, he mentioned money.....we need to get on their level with something they are familiar with without compromising our beliefs in order to share the gospel and have them truly hear what we are saying.

A lot of Christians like to shut their lights off, close their blinds and pretend to not be home - deeming Halloween as "the devil's day".  In Psalms it states 'This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!'  It says THIS is the day; not this is the day except October 31st.  We give too much power to the devil!  I don't know about you, but I refuse to hand over one of God's days to the enemy.


 I understand the origin of Halloween and I am not saying to practice the evil associated with it (which was created by man and superstition).  However, I am saying not to point fingers and cast a stone because a church wants to reach a community.  It seems there is no grey area on the subject; either you are okay with Halloween or against it.  That is your choice and your walk with God to determine your convictions on the topic. 

I love my church and the fact that they step out of the norm and offer something so different and radical to the community.  The area wants a "spook house" type of attraction and we give it to them - complete with blood, jump scares, strobe lights, dead bodies and rats.  We just do it in a manner that does not compromise what we stand for and who we are and in the end, we present the Gospel and give out candy! 

So if you are in the NW Indiana area, come visit us on one of our opening nights. $8.00 to experience both and we have yummy concessions for purchase!  The Maze and Fear Factory are both enclosed so rain, snow or shine we are open!  We begin construction on our  maze late August and on our Fear Factory early October.  It has taken many, many hours (some days as long as 10-12 hours), many scrapes and bruises to complete this attraction.  It is our 10th year (and you get FREE popcorn to celebrate!) and I love every minute of it.  THIS is ministry!  You many not think so but I am sure when Jesus turned the water into wine for his friend's wedding, onlookers gasped and thought "what in the world is he doing!?"  He saw a need and he met it.  We do not want one to parish, so we are meeting them where they are.  Like it or not, it makes no difference......200 people came to Christ last year.  That is 200 people that I will be partying it up in heaven with.  That is 200 people who won't parish in hell.  That is why we do what we do.

*Special shout out to Jeremy and Cindy Cummins who took a God instilled idea and made it a reality.  

On the Outside Looking In

Feeling left out.

I think that is one of the worst feelings in the world.  Looking over at a group of your peers and seeing them laugh and connect in a way that is endearing only to not be part of that connection.  I am a people watcher.  In a group setting, no matter the size of the group, I watch people.  I take in their quirks, their mannerisms and their emotions.  I calculate it all in my mind like a mainstream computer and can get a pretty good feel for someone quickly.  Being a people watcher, I notice things.  I see the groups standing to the side laughing loudly for all to hear and see the one person sitting alone.  That solitary person's glances their way as he/she gets up to find a reason to walk past the group.  That solitary person that steals a glance their way with hopeful eyes wishing nothing more than to be drawn into their conversation.  That solitary person that acts like he/she doesn't care but in reality it hurts in way like no other. 

And yet the group doesn't even know.  They continue to guffaw, slap each other on the back and talk about upcoming plans that don't involve everyone.  It infuriates me.

I often tell people to be aware of those around you.  If you are going to talk about fun plans, don't do it around people you have no intentions of inviting.  Don't talk about have a fun "girl's day" around a young girl that wants nothing more than to be invited if you aren't going to invite her.  Don't talk about a "guy's day" around a guy that you don't plan to invite, creating an awkwardness.  Talk about those things in private with one another.  Don't huddle together in the corner of the room and laugh loud enough for all to hear but talk in a voice just above a whisper.  We know you are there.  We see you in your cliche.  Stop drawing attention to yourselves and making those not inside the circle painfully aware that they are on the outside.

I am not saying I am perfect and always see these situations in my own life.  I do try though.  I am not an extrovert by any means.  I tend to keep to myself, rather quiet and task orientated.  In being so, people think I am not a happy person or that I am angry all the time because my face holds a look of determination.  Not so!  However, being an introvert, I may not be the first person to start a conversation however, I do notice when someone sits a little closer, hoping to be drawn in.  Or perhaps they are in the middle of the group that is speaking of going out and they laugh a little louder or mention key words like "that sounds fun" or "I haven't seen that movie yet" hoping someone takes the bait and offers an invite.  Sadly, more often than not - no one does.

We have all felt left out to some degree.  It isn't fun - at all.  It isn't fun to see a group enjoying one another's company and you aren't included.  It isn't fun to hear of fantastic adventures or see pictures posted and know that you were never a thought.  It isn't fun to think you might get invited this next time only to realize you will never be. 

I know some will read this blog and feel conviction and others will read it (that are in my life) and think "is she talking about me?".  I assure you, this is not directed towards anyone in particular.  This has been on my mind and wanted to blog about it because it is something we all deal with.  I suppose if you are feeling convicted, perhaps it is because you are inside that circle I speak of and know what I say is true.

The next time you are in a group setting, look around.  See that person that isn't included.  Offer then a smile then wave them over.  Invite them to a day out.  Laugh with them. I am realistic.  We all won't get along.  We can't be friends with everyone because personalities clash.  I am not saying be bff's with every person.  What I am saying is there are 365 days in a year.  It won't kill you to use one of them to include someone in your day.  And when you do include them, don't ignore them.  Don't invite someone along only to hang out and giggle in the group, excluding them once again.  Invite them, engage them in conversation and make them feel welcomed and loved. 

It is an easy concept yet as I watch people, it is rarely executed. We rather stay in our comfort zones with the people we are comfortable with.  I assure you, if you start being aware of your surroundings, you will see the hurt in others eyes as they watch from afar, wishing for nothing more than a wave to invite them over. 

Just something to think about.

Those that leave us are never truly gone.

I was going through my dad’s writings and sat for a few hours poring over his wisdom on paper.  So thankful I have these.  My dad was always clicking away at a Royal typewriter.  He wrote weekly for a local paper (in IN), monthly for a magazine (in KY) and bi-monthly for a newspaper (in VA).  He also wrote a book, that I hope to one day get re-published, that was the subject of a 6 week high school curriculum in Florida. He was a brilliant man. 

So, as I went through his writings, I can’t help but share one.  I cherish these works for several reasons.  One being, they are all I have.  He had many more rough drafts, books in progress and nuggets of wisdom but they were burned by a gentleman who shall remain nameless.  That day broke my heart and made me want to break his face.  But, I digress….   Second, I find pieces of him in these writings.  Pieces that help me remember who he was, the way he spoke and sometimes he spoke of me in his works.  Those I treasure most.

This excerpt is from the local newspaper The Leader.  He had a weekly column called “On the Back Side”, clever isn’t it?  (his last name was Back)  He always ended his articles with “Think about it.”

I thought this was appropriate considering the season. So enjoy.

“You might have trouble believing this.  Had I not experienced it, I'd be in the same boat.  It was totally unexpected and caused more than a little irritation to swell up inside of me.

On October 29th, I walked into a nearby department store and what do you think my wondering ears heard?  Are you ready for this? How does Christmas music grab you?  So help me, it was being piped throughout the store.  Honest to goodness Christmas music!  Halloween was yet to be, Thanksgiving a month away, and the store already had attached itself to Christmas like a voracious parasite.

I admit that extremely cynical thoughts competed with the music being forced upon me.  I wondered why we don't eliminate Halloween and Thanksgiving completely and start singing Christmas carols the day after Labor Day?  Nothing like getting an early start on things, is there?  While we're at it, why bother taking down decorations and Christmas trees every year?  What the heck-- leave them up and let's have Christmas the year around.  By comparison, the others really aren’t that important or nearly as lucrative, are they?

Side-long shots aside, doesn’t it seem as though the Christmas season begins earlier every year?  Is it just my longing to see the restoration of good taste and proper homage to the holiday, or was there a time when the merchandizing blitzkrieg associated with Christmas didn't commence until Santa Claus made his initial appearance in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC?  What happened to those times?  Are they really over for good?  Sad to say, they are.  Like so many tradition-filled yesterdays, they're dead and gone.  They were slain by insensitivity, indifference, selfishness, and cut-throat greed.  All killed without remorse or lamentations.

Oh, I know there are some who'll contend there's nothing wrong with playing Christmas music in toy-filled department stores in late October.  They don’t or won’t accept the fact that it is they for whom the music is being played.  On the other hand, if you suggested buying fireworks for the 4th of July in April, you'd be labeled a moron.  Whoever heard of buying 4th of July fireworks in April, for Pete's sake?  Why, you can’t even find them to buy at that time of year.  No, you can't.  However, the Christmas season isn't hamstrung by such inconveniences, is it?  Of course the fact that fireworks don't gobble billions of consumer dollars probably has a lot to do with that.  Christmas is big bucks while all other holidays are small potatoes. The holiest of all holidays is vastly more commercialized than the combined holidays made by man.  Say what you want, but there's something very, very wrong about that.

I hope no on draws the conclusion that I don’t like Christmas.  I enjoy it very much, but there is a time and a season for all things.  October is not the time or season for Christmas carols.  I will enjoy them in December, but I refuse to be moved or motivated by them before I've had the privilege of observing Thanksgiving. It is an affront to the Creator to ignore Thanksgiving and musically honor the birth of Christ while people are in the process of preparing to celebrate Halloween -- a "holiday" which arose out of paganism and is deeply rooted in bizarre superstitions that provide no sane logic to justify annual observance.  The very thought of Christmas being simultaneously associated with witches, ghosts, vampires, werewolves and ghouls is repugnant and an insult to everyone who possesses reverence for that special holiday.  Furthermore, any retail business establishment that lowers itself to that level in order to increase profits insults the buying public and cheapens the very spirit of Christmas.

Unless dire circumstances force me to change my mind, I will not patronize the store which is the focus of this article.  When I found myself surrounded by Christmas toys and trappings on one side and grotesque Halloween costumes on the other while Christmas music filled the store, that was it for me.  That reflected a cold-blooded greediness the likes of which I've never witnessed.  I've observed the blatant commercialism of Christmas in the past, but I'd never seen it set side by side with Halloween.  That stretched my tolerance well beyond the breaking point.  To be frank, I'd feel guilty if I bought anything from that particular store.  I'd feel as though I was compromising my values and helping tarnish something that should be kept spotlessly pure.

I'm sure it won't be long before other retail establishments begin to hit us with their best shots.  Most have their shelves stocked with toys as this article is being written.  That’s all well and good, I suppose, but I won’t buy anything from any store that bombards me with Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.  As I stated before, there is a time and season for all things.  Let’s keep them in proper perspective and stop allowing the quest for profits to determine the degree of importance we should attach to them. It’s time we got back to thinking for ourselves and stop allowing merchandizers and their gimmicks to influence our decisions and actions.

Think about it.”

-Robert G. Back
 11/08/1987

Some of my dad's writings (the articles I laminated and have an article front and back)

Got pets? Got Fleas? This works!

I haven't blogged in awhile.  Not entirely sure why.  I guess I have been busy and just "not in the mood".  So, I decided today was the day and this isn't something I normally blog about but felt it was worth sharing.

I have pets, always have.  My home just doesn't feel complete without a furry friend around.  Currently, we have a dog and two cats.  They get along great and they are pretty special animals.

Well, if you know anything about Newfoundlands - they are big and hairy.  Ours is no exception.  While he was the 'runt' of the litter, he weighs in at 150 pounds of pure, stocky muscle.  He is an amazing dog - laid back and friendly.  He has never threatened to hurt anyone or anything. 

Some interesting facts about this breed:

• They have webbed feet like a duck (they are water dogs)

• Even though, in the movies, the dog from Peter Pan is always portrayed as a St. Bernard, it is actually a Newfoundland.  They are great "babysitters" and will watch and protect.

• They are represented on fishing boats in pictures and artwork.  They are notorious for loving the water and saving people from it.

....and they have a lot of hair!!! 

So you can imagine what happens if we get a flea problem!  He is an inside dog but goes outside to potty, therefore fleas jump on the smorgasbord for a free trip inside the warmth of the house. Once inside, they jump to our cats and infest them.  We typically use Vectra from the vet but I tend to slack off getting it at time due to being busy or just don't have the extra $22 to spend.  It is the only topical flea medicine that will work on him. I should know better because once he gets fleas it is a nightmare.

Not only does he get fleas, but he is allergic to them and not only is he allergic to the fleas but he also has separation anxiety - hates for me to leave.  Anyone else can leave and he is fine, but I leave him alone and he sits and waits for me......and chews himself.  When I say he chews, I mean his backside looks like hamburger. 

Recently, after about 9 months of not chewing, he started again.  With the fall weather, the fleas are hitching a ride to get inside.  People have the misconception that fleas die off in the winter - not so.  They are a year round pest.  So, I went to get some Vectra but it didn't alleviate the issue.  I began to research home remedies.

Here are a couple tips that I found WORK!  These remedies actually eliminated his scratching/biting, haven't seen the cats scratching, haven't seen any fleas and all is well in our world.....

First off - it seems an impossible task to get rid of them but not so!  Persistence is the key.

Mix equal parts of Dawn dish soap and white vinegar together.  This is creating a shampoo.  Bathe your pet like you normally would, be careful around eyes or any open sores and rinse.  My dog has sensitive skin and this doesn't dry it out like other soaps do.  The dish soap (has to be Dawn, tried others and no success) sticks to the fleas and suffocates them which will kill them and the vinegar makes what doesn't die from the soap, not like the taste of their meal, so they hop off.
(cost : small bottle of Dawn $1 plus vinegar $1 = $2)

Next I mixed Apple Cider vinegar and water (1 part water to 3 parts ACV) in a spray bottle and douse the pet's fur, rubbing against the hair growth to get to the skin.  The smell is strong but will go away after about 24 hours.  Again, be careful around eyes and open sores.  The ACV creates a bad taste for the fleas and they fall off and die due to no food source.
(cost : AVC - $1.50, spray bottle, if you don't have one - $1.00 = $2.50)

Now to get them out of your carpets.  Sprinkle normal table salt all over your carpets and leave overnight them vacuum up.  The salt dries out the fleas and kills them.
(cost : Great Value salt - $.47)

You can also add garlic to their food once a day, creating a nasty flavor in their pores causing the fleas to not want to munch down.  Be sure to use fresh or garlic powder, not garlic salt.
(This is optional.  Sometimes I do it, other times I don't.  My dog loves it; cats won't touch it.)

I did the bath, spray and salt and have had no issues at all.  They have pretty much vanished.  I felt the need to blog and let other pet owners know that this does work.  I know how frustrating it can be to battle these pesky parasites! 

So I hope you enjoyed the read and were well informed!

 Goliath and his two pals, Phoenix and Kirby

When Goliath first met Phoenix

Golaith

Where is the Pause Button?

 Life is full of change.  For someone who is a creature of habit, this is foreboding.  No matter how much I dwell on it, no matter how much I shed a tear - it isn't going to stop the days from ticking by.

Tomorrow, my son turns 18.  I seriously cannot believe it.  I say that just about every year since he was 10 but this year, it is hitting me right between the eyes.  He will be an adult.  He no longer needs me to sign for him - for anything.  He is going into his senior year and I will soon be thinking about senior pictures, graduation and an open house.  This is it.  This is the moment I have raised my kids for.  The moment that they become adults and start their lives.  Granted, I know he isn't packed and ready to leave the house and nothing has changed as far as who he is and our relationship with one another but I cannot help but be a little sad.

That chubby, round faced little boy is no longer evident in the man that calls me mom.  How can a mother not feel a sense of mourning?  - mourning for a childhood gone.  A relationship between a mother and a son is special, especially ours.  We have been through a lot together, he and I.  I enjoy his company and sitting and talking with him.  He has went from being completely dependent on me to being one of my friends.  That, in itself, is pretty cool.

I remember, when my kids were little, saying I could not wait for them to grow up and be independent, move out, etc.  Now, I wish I could get those moments back.  I was young when I had Caleb.  I had no idea what I was doing and made some pretty big mistakes and took the experience for granted.  There are many times I wished I had just enjoyed the moment - enjoyed him crawling in my lap, enjoyed him smearing ravioli all over his face, enjoyed his cute dances he did when his favorite tv shows came on, enjoyed his elf-like voice calling me mommy, enjoyed him crawling in bed with me.......so many things I took for granted.

However, he is a pretty amazing young man.  He is crazy smart and has great expectations for his life that I have no doubt he will fulfill.  He is stubborn.....very stubborn and will stand by what he believes and thinks no matter what adversity comes against him.  He is loyal.  If he considers you a friend, you are his friend.  Period.  He has a gentle spirit about him, rarely does he say a negative word about anyone.  He has a sense of humor that is incomparable.  Even on the worst days, he can make me laugh.  He isn't embarassed that I am his mom as most teenagers are.

I adore him.  I pray that he doesn't move far when the time comes but if he does, he knows that I am merely a phone call away.

So, as I always do, my prayer for him....

I pray that you find happiness in every aspect of your life.  I pray that you continue to love and show passion about things/people that interest you.  I pray you are successful and you are doing what you love. It makes it easier to get up and go to work if you love what you do.  I pray you set goals and strive to achieve them.  I pray you never stop learning and that you set your standards on yourself high because you deserve the best.  I pray that you will always know that my home is an open door.  No matter the reason, you are always welcome.  I pray that you want to come home from time to time.  I pray that you know that I am your biggest fan you will ever have.  No matter if you get married and have kids, I will be your biggest supporter.  Know that when you do get married, that she will be part of the family, so please make sure she respects me and I pray that I love her as much as you will.  I pray that she loves music as much as you do, she knows her way around an Xbox, loves Adventure Time, enjoys a cold Dr. Pepper from time to time, laughs at the silly things in life, isn't afraid of failure nor making a fool of herself and above all - loves God more than you.

With all that said, just know that no matter where you are or who you are surrounded by, no one will love you more than I.  I pray peace, happiness, lots of love, joy and success over you daily and forever.

I love you.
Mom.

Caleb at 3 months old

Caleb (age 4) and Cheyenne

Caleb (age 6) and Cheyenne

Caleb (age 10) and I

  

Caleb (age 14) and I

Caleb age 16

Caleb (age 17), Matt and I at 'Run For Your Lives'

In the words of Frosty - Happpy Birthday!

Where has the time gone?

It seems I have been saying that a lot lately.  Today is the last day of school for my son.  After today, I can say I have a Senior!  Holy Toledo! 

Not only that, but today is my daughter's 16th birthday.  And while we celebrated with our friends and family last Saturday, I am one that feels children need to be celebrated.  So she woke up to flowers and a balloon from her dad, something he has done the past few years.  Not only that but this weekend we will take her out for her birthday dinner.  It will be an entire week of celebrating her!  Yet part of me is sad.  She is 16.  She will be driving soon, she is thinking of college, she has had her first serious boyfriend (and still does), she has taken on leadership roles inside the church and she was our guest speaker at our youth rally this year - which she nailed it, making me tear up on more than one occasion.

It is crazy when I think of it.  I had her at a young age and she was not planned.  I was married to Caleb's dad and hooked up with Matt out of desperation because I had no where to go, had a 12 month old son and was leaving my husband.  Matt just got out of jail (glamorous story, isn't it?) and we started talking and soon moved in together.  I used him.  He knows this.  I used him for a place to stay, for drugs, money, etc.  However, I believe even then God was up to something.  Soon, I got pregnant and 9 months later a 9 pound 14.5 ounce baby girl came into the world.  She was taken by C-Section as was my son.  However, hers was much more complicated.  I was sick and mostly incoherent.  The doctor couldn't get her out and Matt told me he physically put his foot up on the table to pull her out like a turkey.  But there she was.  I had a 22 month old son and a new born and I wasn't yet 22 years old.

It wasn't easy.  There were times I wanted to quit.  I can remember saying on more than one occasion that I couldn't wait until they were independent.  I would say I can't wait until they are old enough to be on their own or go to school or even move out.  Now, I cry when I think about it.  I want them with me forever, even though I know that is not feasible.

She was a little butterball and soon grew into quite the character.  She had a speech impediment for a long time.  It wasn't until she started school that they put her in speech class and after 3 years, she could finally be understood.  We called it Chey-nese.  Only we could understand her and even we sometimes had to ask Caleb what she was saying.  She would mix letters around or omit them all together - for example the work "like" would be "ike".  That was an easy one.  But she would say "bathroom" like "tashroo".  It made for a very frustrating life for her.  But she was cute as a button and I remember times her and her brother would sing to Backstreet Boys.  While Caleb was singing his little heart out, she would be too - we just couldn't understand a word she said.

She loved Teletubbies, LaLa (she called Ya-Ya) was her favorite.  She loved Rugrats and Blues Clues.  Bear in the Big Bluehouse was another favorite and The Big Comfy Couch would hold her attention for hours.  She loved to snuggle and watch movies.  She would play outside but not for long, hating the heat.  She was scared to death of swimming until she was 8.  When she was 6 she was paralyzed for 3 weeks due to a rare disorder called Gillian Barre Syndrome. 

She is a soft hearted person and her shyness is often mistaken for rudeness.  She does things her way and she cannot be persuaded otherwise.  She is a free thinker, an imagineer and is going to change the world. 

She loves unicorns, Edgar Allan Poe, old cameras and old typewriters.  She loves animals and hates butterflies.  She enjoys books and reading, she is a pretty stellar artist and has a beautiful singing voice, especially when she doesn't think anyone is listening.  She loves God and wants to do something in her life that pleases Him.  She is a loyal friend and yet it seems like her loyalty is often taken for granted.  She is who she is and is happy with herself.  She often sings and whistles and has a laugh that is contagious.  She loves Youtube, the movie Mirror Mask and still enjoys coloring and cartoons. 

She is a teenager that doesn't think her parents are lame and she enjoys hanging out with us.  Often times she is the one asking if we want to watch a movie and she rarely holes up in her room, like most teenagers.  She is usually around me so much that I am begging her to go find something to do in her room or elsewhere.  It won't be long before I will wish that I had those moments back.

She is talking about college and that scares me to death.  I see how dependent she is and to think of her as independent frightens me.  I know that this what we are to do - raise them up and let them go.  But why is it so hard?  I don't want them to grow up but I know they must.  I don't want them to leave but I know they will. 

So with that, happy birthday pretty girl.  I am honored that God made me your mom.  I know we have had our highs and our lows but in the end I can look at you and be proud of the young lady you have become.  I am glad you can talk to me about anything.  In a world where parents aren't being parents and where kids do as they please, I am thankful you still abide by my decisions and authority.  I am thankful that I know where you are and I know that if you are not home, you will make wise decisions.  Therefore, with that being said - my prayer for you.....

I pray that you find happiness.  I pray that you find joy in every situation.  I pray that when love is awakened, you recognize it and you give it your best because it is ordained by God.  I pray that you love often and cry less.  I pray that you always look at home as a place you can come to, no matter the circumstance.  I pray that you always view me as your number one fan because I am.  I pray that when you are on your own, that you don't forget me and call me often.  I pray that when you have kids, you understand that I will have them often and for lengths of time....and you will be okay with that.  I pray that we have a relationship where when you are sad or lonely, you call me.  I pray that even though we will argue, you will never hate me.  I pray that you will look at the world as a place of opportunity and while it may be dark, you can be the light.  I pray you look for ways to show Christ no matter where you are.  I pray you listen to the nudging of the Holy Spirit.  I pray that you continue to hold onto God stronger than anything else in your life.  I pray that when you feel like the world has beaten you down and you have nowhere to turn, you can turn to me.  I pray that you grasp every opportunity that comes your way and live life to the fullest with no regrets.  Above all - I pray you are happy.

I love you and happy birthday!